The Black Tapes
by TimelessTears
Summary: While cleaning up after the raid on the 11th ward, the CCG discovers several video tapes in a blood splattered room with a checkered floor. A small tale on how Eyepatch became the first ghoul the CCG listed with a 'Do Not Kill' next to his name. M for graphic descriptions of torture. Gen. No pairings.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Tokyo Ghoul**

* * *

There were 8 tapes in all. Black and labeled 1-8. They made Amon nervous. He hoped their lack of title meant they were blank but he had seen the inside of that room-' _that hellhole,' his mind whispered_ \- and he knew they weren't. He's not sure he wants to see what's on them but there's a small part of him that wants to _know;_ wants to see with sickening curiosity.

Looking around the room, Amon takes a small comfort in knowing he's not the only one.

A few people he can understand being here; Marude and Shinohara were leads in the countermeasure attack so it would make sense for them to want to see any information gathered in the cleanup. Kuroiwa couldn't make it due to his injuries. Juuzou was also in attendance, sitting on a table next to Shinohara, swinging his legs back and forth like a child. Amon could hear Shinohara gently trying to persuade Juuzou to leave but the young investigator wasn't budging.

"Shinohara, nothing you say will make me go," Juuzou giggled before giving his mentor a sadistic smile. "I was the one to find and kill Jason but he was already injured when I stumbled upon him. I wanna know who tore him apart; they did a beautiful job~" He ended with a carefree laugh.

"H-Hey, is that really something to laugh about?!" Seidou asked nervously and let loose a muffled 'oomph' when Akira casually elbowed him in the stomach. Amon had no idea why those two were allowed in on this viewing; neither had participated in the raid and he felt that the less people to see these tapes, the better. Akira wasn't even part of their squad. Shortly after her father's death, headquarters had assigned her to the 20th ward for a trial period to see if she would work well there. She had been assigned as Amon's partner. Despite Amon's efforts, they didn't mesh well. Still, as time passed, their teamwork was improving.

The last-and most surprising- person in their group was Arima. Amon almost had a heart attack when he had walked in and saw the CCG's Reaper sitting at a table. Perhaps Akira and Seidou had showed up because Arima was here; a ploy to prove they were competent investigators or something. Whatever their reasons, Amon hoped they wouldn't come to regret it.

"All right, everybody shut up," Marude snapped gaining everyone's attention. "Just to recap, these tapes were recovered from our raid on the 11th ward. We don't know what's on them but from the description of the room and certain items found there, these tapes aren't family friendly."

"Certain items?" Akira asked ignoring the annoyed look Marude sent her.

"A broken chair, chains, handcuffs, pliers and some buckets filled with severed toes and fingers." The man said pleasantly ignoring Juuzou's excited laugh and the way Seidou paled at the description. "Ghouls aren't known for videotaping their . . . escapades, so if you feel the urge to vomit, the bathroom's next door."

That was the only warning they received before Marude popped in the first tape and pressed play.

The TV screen flickered to life and Amon sucked in a breath as _that room_ appeared. There's a chair with a body tied to it; obviously male but his face was covered. There's a bucket of severed fingers and toes sitting nearby.

The man wasn't moving.

The sound of a door opening made most of the people in the room jump and Amon watches with a sinking heart as two figures enter the room.

The first one was a bulky ghoul in a white suit that he recognized on sight. Jason had been one of theirs before escaping and he was not a ghoul to be trifled with. The second figure was a young man. He was petite with pale skin and black hair. Amon could see shock and horror dart though grey eyes as the boy took in the body.

" _Welcome to my room_." Jason's deep voice resonated throughout the room as he gave the kid a smirk while pointing at the body. " _That's for messing up."_

The air was tense as the investigators watched Jason fiddle with something in his jacket.

" _Do you know what this is?"_ Jason asked the boy, showing him a syringe. _"It's an RC suppressant fluid-"_

"What? How'd he get a hold of something like that?" Amon heard Shinohara ask but he was focused on the boy. He looked familiar. Why did Amon feel like he had seen him before?

" _Can you guess where the injection is made?"_ Amon heard Jason ask his charge.

" _N-No? No idea."_ The other stuttered and Amon gasped when he realized who he was looking at.

 _ **I'm begging you . . . don't make me a murderer!**_

The words flowed through Amon's mind as he watched the syringe go through an eye and Eyepatch scream over Jason's laughter.

" _Imagine the 'worst possible' scenario you can. What's next will be 'much, much' worse."_ Jason's cold voice rang out in delight as the tape ended.

The room was silent except for Seidou's heavy breathing. Everyone was pale but no one seemed deeply disturbed by what they just seen. Amon can understand that; as investigators, they'd done some gruesome things to ghouls in their effort to exterminate them.

"So that was just a little taste of what we're going to be seeing. Would anybody like to leave?" Marude asked.

"I'm suddenly very glad Juuzou killed that ghoul. Not that I wasn't before! It's just . . . after seeing that, I'm extra glad." Seidou's voice rang out with a relieved laugh.

"At least Jason was practicing on other ghouls and not humans." Arika's cool voice rang out and something snapped inside Amon. Whirling around in his chair, he looked her dead in the eye.

"He didn't deserve that!" He snarled at her and saw everyone raise their eyebrows in surprise at his defense for the ghoul.

He was surprised himself.

"Amon, he's a ghoul. In case you've forgotten, our job is to kill them." Akira reminded him, her eyes looking like fine chips of ice but Amon wouldn't be cowed.

"I have not forgotten," He told her through gritted teeth as he tried to restrain his anger. "But that was torture for the sake of torture. It's one thing to kill your enemy, it's another to torture and mock them simply because you can."

"Ghouls kill people every day." She reminded him, treating him like a forgetful child.

"Yeah? Humans kill other humans every day too. As far as we know Eyepatch hasn't done anything-"

"Eyepatch?" Shinohara interrupted Amon's tirade, sending him a questioning look.

"The boy in the video," Amon admitted, trying his best not to sweat under all the gazes locked on him. "I met him when I was trying to track down that ghoul child awhile back. There's not much to say. We fought and-"

"You kicked his ass?" Seidou cut in with an eager expression.

"I lost." Amon admitted, a little amused at seeing Seidou deflate at his response. "He ripped through my quinque like it was nothing. He told me to run but I wouldn't and then . . ." He trailed off, thinking of the fight; of the boy he had first was weak.

"And then?" Amon vaguely heard Juuzou ask.

"He asked me not to make him a murderer." Amon answered softly, still seeing the tears overflow in that one grey eye. A snort shook him from his musings and he saw most of them looking at him in disbelief. "What? That's what he said." He ended in a defensive mutter.

"Hmmm, he didn't try to eat me either. He's a nice ghoul." Juuzou chirped with a happy grin as he turned to look at Shinohara. "Remember that night you had to pick me up from that police station? I met Eyepatch earlier in the night. I stole his wallet." Juuzou giggled.

"Did you find anything identification?" Marude immediately asked as Shinohara released a heavy sigh at Juuzou's actions.

"I don't remember boring stuff like that," Juuzou said in a sing song voice, kicking his feet. "All I remember is that we're the same age and he didn't have enough money for me to buy snacks with. He was polite; I don't think he even reported the wallet missing."

"Marude-san." A quiet voice that held a tone of authority spoke. Amon winced at the sound. He had forgotten Arima was here. The most powerful investigator in the room heard Amon defend a ghoul; not the best career move.

"Please put in the next tape." Arima asked, his voice never changing tone.

"Alright, alright," The older man muttered. "Part two, ladies and gentlemen. Enjoy." He sneered sarcastically, pushing play.

Amon wished he hadn't.

The first video in no way prepared him for the sheer _viciousness_ shown in the second. No matter how many times Eyepatch pleaded-

 _"Pl-leaasee! Stop! It hurts!"_

 _"I'm taking your middle toe next, ok?"_

-Jason would not-

 _"Stop! Please stop!"_

 _"You regenerate so fast! Let's see how many fingers I can take from you today!"_

-stop.

Over and over he took Eyepatch's fingers and toes and over and over they would regenerate.

The boy would not stop wailing.

" _Isn't this fun, Kaneki? Aren't you having fun, Kaneki? AREN'T YOU HAVING FUN?"_

Buckets upon buckets of blood and severed appendages and Amon had to stop himself from looking away. Eyepat- no, Kaneki, had suffered through this and Amon would not disrespect him by looking away. His eyes narrowed as Jason leaned in, putting his foul lips next to a tear stained cheek.

 _"Even if you could fight me, you wouldn't, would you? Remember Kaneki, all I have to do is say the word and your friends will be right up here with you. Do you want that?"_

Kaneki stiffened and his eyes widened. He had a look on his face- as if he just remembered something incredibly important before it morphed into a look of defeat.

 _"No. Please keep your word, Yamori."_ His hoarse voice croaked out and Amon wanted to grab him from that room and take him somewhere safe.

Yamori took off his mask and gave Kaneki an assessing look.

 _"You're such a timid little thing, yet, there's a hidden strength to you. I think I'll enjoy our time together, my little conundrum."_ He said with a dark purr, giving Kaneki no warning as he snapped another finger off. Yamori was about to take another when his head jerked to the side, looking at something off screen. Amon could hear the muffled sound of someone talking and Yamori nodded, putting down the pliers. The ghoul didn't say anything to Kaneki as he left.

The moment the door clicked shut, Kaneki's muffled sobs became louder. It took a moment for Amon to realize the boy wasn't simply sobbing; he was talking to himself.

 _"Stay strong. Stay strong. Remember what mom used to say: it's better to be hurt than to hurt others. It's better to be hurt than to-"_ He repeated the mantra over and over to himself until his tears had dried and he had calmed down.

Then he looked directly into the camera and Amon's breath became caught in his lungs.

His face was pale and bruised. Dark bags clung under his eyes like stubborn clouds. It was his eyes, however, that caught Amon's attention.

They were weary but warm.

 _"I will protect them."_ Kaneki mumbled as his eyes rolled into the back of his head and the tape ended.

The room was quiet for a long time.

"Do you still think he deserves it, Akira?" Amon asked in the silence.

She didn't answer.

No one did.

* * *

 **A/N:** **Some of Yamori and Kaneki's dialogue was taken directly from the manga.**


	2. Chapter 2

Amon entered the CCG looking like a ghost. They had only watched the first two tapes before calling it quits yesterday. He had tried to distract himself by finishing some of his paperwork but images of severed fingers and toes engulfed his mind and Kaneki's screams were echoes in his ears. He valiantly tried to do his work but gave up and left early. He had hoped getting a little drunk and passing out would help him forget but he ended getting no sleep no matter how hard he tried.

Amon knew he looked like a wreck but he didn't care that much at the moment. As much as he didn't want to view the rest of the tapes, he had to know what happened to Kaneki. Did Yamori kill him? Did Kaneki survive somehow? Did he escape only to be shot down in the raid by the CCG? Or was he in some other ward right now, recovering? Amon hoped Kaneki was resting peacefully somewhere but Yamori's cruelty left him doubting that was the case.

As Amon came upon the room, he stopped. A big part of him wanted to walk away and call in sick. It was so tempting to just go back home and hide under his bed covers but Amon strengthened his resolve and walked in. He felt the need to be here, to defend Kaneki in case one of his co-workers tried to disparage what he had suffered through.

Looking around at the others, Amon was shocked to find some of them looked as bad as him. Seidou wasn't much of a surprise; the young man was empathetic and gentle. He may not like ghouls but he disliked torture of any kind. Akira, Amon was astounded to see, had even darker bags under her eyes than he did. Marude, Arima and Shinohara didn't look done in but their expressions were grim. Juuzou was the only one who looked unaffected and even his smile was a little dim.

Marude said nothing as he put in the third tape and Yamori appeared on the screen, pliers in hand.

" _I've noticed you've been drifting,_ Kaneki." He told the younger ghoul. _"And that just won't do."_

He cut off a toe.

" _Count down from 1000 by 7's and recite the numbers out loud_."

 _". . . 993. . .986 . . . 979. . . "_ Kaneki choked out each time Yamori took a finger or toe.

Amon felt cold watching. Physically, it was no different from the torture he had witnessed yesterday. It eluded him for some time why Yamori wanted Kaneki to count. He couldn't put his finger on it, but Amon knew there was a reason.

 _". . . 559. . .552 . . . 545. . ."_

Words visited Amon's mind, from a book he read long ago. He had still been a teenager, still just another academy student that the CCG was hoping to mold into an investigator. He remembered checking out the book from the library.

The book about torture practices. The book that told him how some torturers made their victims recite things to ground them to reality. As a teenager he hadn't understood the implication; he had thought the practice wasn't so bad in comparison to other things described in that book.

He understood it now and wished he didn't.

Amon's not the only one who sighs when Yamori finally puts the pliers down. He's also not the only one to tense when the ghoul brings out a bucket.

" _Your regeneration has stopped_ ," Yamori noted and Amon realized the ghoul was right; Kaneki's fingers and toes weren't growing at all. " _You know what that means, right Kaneki? Lunchtime!"_ The ghoul chuckled, bringing forth a severed arm.

If Amon had been a petty person, he would have turned to Akira and snarked: "So much for just torturing ghouls."

He didn't. He was too focused on the screen to care about yesterday's squabble.

" _Is it human?"_ Kaneki sobbed and it made Amon's heart sink, thinking the boy was sobbing in joy. So much for Eyepatch not wanting to eat humans.

" _Of course."_ Yamori replied, candidly tossing the arm in the air. _"You haven't eaten in a while. Aren't you hungry?"_

 _"I don't want it."_ Kaneki's reply surprised everyone in the room - even Arima, judging by how wide his eyes had gone.

" _Of course you want it. You're a ghoul."_

 _"I don't want to eat anybody! Please don't make me eat."_ Kaneki begged, making Amon wonder why the boy was resisting something that should've been natural to him.

 _"How have you survived this long with such a mindset? Humans are our below us. They are our cattle to slaughter and devour. You act as if they are something more than that."_ Yamori's cold response made Amon's blood boil. He wanted to jump through the screen and rip the ghoul's head off.

 _"They are. They have lives, just like ghouls. They have people who love them; people who worry and care about them-just like ghouls. They are not below us anymore than we below them."_ Kaneki's quiet speech left Amon reeling.

How . . . how did a mere ghoul come to such an eloquent conclusion?

This boy was giving him so much to think about it was astounding.

" _I wonder if it's because you're- yes, that must be why. Don't worry Kaneki; I'm going to show you just how wrong you are."_ Yamori said and began to force feed the boy. Kaneki started to choke but Yamori clamped a hand over his mouth.

 _"You. Will. Eat."_ Yamori told the boy and Amon's heart went out to Kaneki. He wished he could rewind time and go back to when they first met. Maybe they could have become friends; maybe he could have made sure Kaneki had never ended up in the 11th ward.

Watching Kaneki eat with tears running down his face, Amon found himself wishing for a lot of things.

The tape ended and the last thing it showed was Kaneki gagging on the meat forced down his throat.

Seidou's chair clattered to the ground as the young investigator rushed to the door, one hand cupped over his mouth. Amon couldn't blame him; he was feeling queasy himself. He probably wouldn't be eating tonight.

"I don't understand this ghoul," Akira told the others. "His reluctance to eat . . . I want to say it's a trick, but who is there to fool?"

"He's not trying to fool anyone; he truly doesn't want to eat people." Amon told her.

"He's a vegetarian ghoul!" Juuzou exclaimed with a smile.

"It doesn't make sense." Akira insisted. "Yamori's not wrong; we are food to them. We are their only food source. A ghoul wouldn't be able to survive this long without eating. That boy is denying himself food because he thinks humans don't deserve such a fate. Such a belief implies he was raised to be empathetic and understanding about humans, but what kind of ghoul would teach their child that? We are enemies."

"Maybe he survived on coffee beans." Seidou's weakly commented from the doorway. "Maybe he has an eating disorder. Does it really matter how he's come to believe ghouls and humans are equals?" He asked as he took his seat again.

Can ghouls have eating disorders? The thought had never crossed Amon's mind before and he had no time to ponder on it because Marude started talking.

"Leave that discussion for later. I want to get through these tapes as fast as possible." Marude told them in a grouchy voice, popping in the fourth tape.

Kaneki's scream pierced the air as a syringe went through his eye. From the state of his clothes, some time had passed since the last tape.

 _"Count down, Kaneki, and remember, if you make a mistake, I'll rip your hair out."_ Yamori grinned before putting on his mask and grabbing his pliers. Amon sat stiffly in his chair as Kaneki began counting. He began to wonder if he would be able to count as accurately as Kaneki if he was the one strapped to that chair. Probably not; he hadn't even noticed Kaneki had messed up when he reached the 700's.

But Yamori did.

" _783\. . . 775- Ah!"_ Kaneki let out a yelp as Yamori grabbed his hair.

" _I'm sorry, since when_ _has 775_ _gone into 7? Can you tell me, Kaneki? Did the rules of subtraction change over the years? Did they?_ " Yamori mockingly asked, shaking the boy by his hair. " _Of course they haven't! You're just an idiot who can't count!"_

Black strands of hair were in Yamori's hands. Some still had skin attached and Amon's stomach jerked as he saw blood trickle down Yamori's arm. Fervently, he prayed that Yamori wouldn't scalp the boy any more than he had already.

" _I really hate your hair, Kaneki_." Yamori told the boy as he grabbed a pair of rusty scissors. He continued to casually talk as he took out chunks of hair, uncaring of if he grazed and gouged the skin.

 _"It's just so fucking normal. It's disgusting, you know? Even your hairstyle is boring. Everything about you is- what?! What do you want, Nico? Can't you see I'm busy?!"_ Yamori began yelling at someone off screen as he jerked Kaneki about by what little hair he had left on his head.

 _"Sorry, Yamori-san. The higher ups want to see you. They have a job for_ _you."_ A male voice responded.

" _Feh. Fine. Guess we're cutting this session a little short, Kaneki. Don't worry, I'll be back."_ The ghoul told his prisoner, setting down his scissors and leaving. Amon expected him to turn off the camera as he left but Yamori walked by, unconcerned that it was still running.

The checkered room was silent. Amon couldn't even hear Kaneki breathing but his chest was still rising up and down. It was in these moments of quiet that the investigator wondered what was going through Kaneki's head. Was he gathering and organizing his thoughts? Was he strengthening his resolve and thinking up escape plans? Or was the silence of the room simply another form of torture for Kaneki?

Slowly, Amon realized Kaneki's hair was gradually growing back. He'd never admit it out loud, but the ghoul's regeneration was marvelous to watch. The heat of battle made it impossible to focus on but these tapes showed the skin stitching itself back together and soon, hair was sprouting up; it almost looked like magic.

Amon squinted his eyes as he took in Kaneki's hair. Was it just him or did it seem a little lighter? It was probably the bad lighting of the room, Amon decided.

" _This . . . this is nothing."_ Kaneki's brittle voiced startled him. " _As long as they're safe, this is nothing. What kind of friend would I be if they were up here instead of me? I can't let Yamori break me. Remember, Kaneki?"_ He lifted his head to the camera and Amon was once again struck by the strength he saw in those grey eyes.

" _I survived Rize's attack. I survived the beating Nishiki gave me. I survived the fall into the forest and the fight with the investigator_." Amon's heart lurched as Kaneki mentioned their first meeting.

 _"I survived the Ghoul Restaurant. Remember?"_ He let loose a small laugh. _"They wanted to eat me but I survived that and so many other things."_

Then, Kaneki frowned.

" _But I only survived because others were kind enough to help me._ " He told himself, voice miserable. " _Even that investigator was kind. He was kind, right? I'm having problems remembering right now. I wish we could have been able to sit down and talk. I wanted to show him something- what was it again? Oh_!" His voice popped up in a happy way and Amon drank it in. What did Eyepatch want to show him?

" _That's right, I remember now; I wanted to show him that not all ghouls are bad._ " He told the camera with a sad smile. " _It's hard to remember when I'm in here."_

He closed his eyes and began to hum a little song in the back of his throat.

 _"The world is 'wrong'."_ He said out loud. _"But the people I want to believe in were born for love and revolution. Maybe, if I get out of here, we can fix the 'wrong' in the world."_

Kaneki smiles as the tape cuts off and Amon wonders how many more times this boy will astound him.

"He's going mad." Marude muttered as he popped the tape out. "He was referring to himself in third person. You all heard it, right?" He asked the others.

"Be fair, Marude." It was Shinohara who spoke up for Kaneki. "He's undergone a tremendous amount of torture in a small period of time. The person I saw on that screen wasn't broken; he was trying to keep himself sane by reminding himself of his accomplishments."

"Person?" Marude spat. "Am I hearing this right? Shinohara in case you've forgotten, that is a _ghoul_."

"He is," Shinohara calmly agreed. "And he's giving me a new perspective to look at."

"I like him!" Juuzou said, ignoring Marude who looked like he was about to explode. "He looks so plain but it sounded like he's had a lot of adventures! I wanna hear the one about the Ghoul Restaurant. He said they were going to eat him. I wonder how he made it out alive?" Their youngest member ended in a giggle.

"He mentioned a revolution," Akira noted. "Obviously if he's being tortured by Jason, whom we've confirmed was with the Aoigiri Tree, he's not on their side. Is there another ghoul organization rising in power that we don't know about?"

Akira's question made Amon wonder. Was there another organization they were unaware of? And if Kaneki was a part of it, what type of organization was it? It couldn't be any worse than Aoigiri. Soon a debate had begun between the investigators about the probability of a new ghoul group coming into power without the CCG knowing.

"Dazai Osamu." Arima's quiet voice toppled over all the others.

"I'm sorry, what did you say Arima-san?" Shinohara asked politely. Arima gave them a look Amon couldn't decipher; it wasn't quite expressionless but it was close. Sad, perhaps?

" _But the people I want to believe in were born for love and revolution_ ," Arima repeated Kaneki's words verbatim. "It's from the novel, _The Setting Sun_ by Dazai Osamu."

"So, um, what does that mean, Arima-san?" Seidou hesitantly asked, still nervous about being in the same room as the legendary reaper.

"He likes to read literature." Arima replied with a faint smile.

"Ugh, not you too! Really, Arima? Sympathy for a ghoul? Forget it, everyone just go home. I've seen enough torture for one day." Marude practically snarled as he barreled out the door.

Arima's words stuck with Amon for the rest of the day. It made him wonder: Did Kaneki really like literature or was that a guess on Arima's part? This led Amon to speculating what else the ghoul might like. Did he like to dance and sing? Was he a movie buff? Did he study the arts? Was he a student or a shut in? Did he like video games? It made Amon sad to know he'd probably never have these questions answered.

Absentmindedly, Amon decided to spend the rest of the day walking around the city in an effort to clear his head. Somehow, his feet had guided him to the local library. He stood outside the building for some time, contemplating his choices before making a decision and walking inside.

He left with the _The Setting Sun_.

Amon sunk into the story and finished it within the night. He's not sure why he decided to read it. Maybe it was because he wanted to try and understand Kaneki better. Perhaps a part of him hoped that, if Kaneki had survived, it would give them something to talk about if they ever me again. Belatedly, Amon realized he wasn't thinking of Kaneki as ghoul but as a human.

And for the first time in his life, Amon didn't care.

* * *

 **A/N: Again, some dialogue was taken directly from the manga. The quote from the Setting Sun is from the first chapter. It's been translated different ways but I like this version the best.**


	3. Chapter 3

Amon knew fear. It had been a familiar companion that had been beside him multiple times in life. It walked next to him when his parents died; it held his hand when he discovered Father Donato was a ghoul; it hugged him tightly around his waist every time he fought; it laid next to him at night and caressed his hair while whispering nightmares into his ears.

Amon knew fear well enough to call it a lover but he can proudly say it's never overwhelmed him.

Staring at the 5th black tape sitting innocently on the table, Amon feels fear kiss him on the lips and fill him up with anxious, crashing waves of unease.

It's strange- he's already witnessed hours upon hours of torture but there's something about this tape that makes Amon break out in a cold sweat.

He wonders if the other investigators feel the same but a quick glance around shows they're all wearing their best poker faces. As Marude reaches for the tape, Amon barely stops himself from speaking up; from begging the other to put the tape down and just _smash it_ -

-but he can't do that. He made a silent promise to Kaneki that he would bear witness to what happened to him.

The tape is in and Amon sees his fears justified.

By now, they had figured out Yamori's pattern: Inject the RC suppressor into Kaneki, make Kaneki count while cutting off his fingers and toes, let him regenerate, make him eat and start all over again. Somehow, the tapes hadn't truly captured how much Yamori enjoyed this.

Until now.

The ghoul's face appeared on the screen and it was filled with gleeful malice. Yamori's body was trembling and Amon can tell he's barely holding himself back.

 _"I want to kill him. I want to kill him. Damn it, can't I kill him already? No! No, I mustn't. It's so much fun. I can't- if this guy dies, I'll be bored again. So I can't. Yeah, I gotta resist. I can't, I can't. Nico! Get over here!"_

It was jarring to see Yamori act like this when, before, all the investigators had seen was his carefully controlled persona. Yamori tortured Kaneki with clinical precision- the ghoul in front of them was anything but. He was a raging bull looking for something to tear to pieces.

Amon watched as another ghoul stepped into the camera's view. Nico, the same ghoul that had interrupted on the last tape, Amon remembered. Amon didn't have time to take in the ghoul's appearance because he was immediately impaled by Yamori. Amon watched in sick fascination as Nico's guts sprayed across the floor. He thought the ghoul had died on impact and was surprised to see him still standing.

" _Ohhhh~ that's something."_ Nico's voice purred through the speakers as his stomach knitted itself back up. Amon's brows scrunched up in confusion; the ghoul sounded like he had enjoyed what Yamori did to him. It made Amon feel sick.

 _"Che. Get out, Nico. I want some private time with my toy."_ Yamori told the other, looking like he had never lost control.

" _Of course. Call me if you get excited again!"_ Nico giggled and Amon felt his insides twist as he heard the door shut.

Amon watched as Yamori walked to his tool bench and mentally prepared himself for the next round of torture. He thought Yamori would grab his pliers and was relieved when the ghoul snatched his mask instead before walking over to Kaneki.

" _Hey Kaneki, how do you think I came to enjoy hurting others?"_ Yamori asked the boy. Kaneki kept his head down and said nothing. " _Hey! Do you want to know?"_ Yamori mockingly asked as he roughly grabbed Kaneki's head, forcing him to nod. " _I knew you did."_

Amon bit back a growl at the gesture. It was not the first time he wished Yamori was still alive so that Amon could be the one to pummel him back down to hell.

 _"Back before I was called "Jason", I slipped up and was sent to a ghoul internment camp in the 23_ _rd_ _ward. I wasn't killed because I knew all sorts of things about the 13_ _th_ _ward. There was an investigator there and you know what, Kaneki?"_ Yamori leaned in close to Kaneki's ear as if to share a secret.

" _He taught me everything I know."_

Amon felt a chill sweep over him.

 _"That fucker was insane but I learned many things from him. Every time someone is disadvantaged in the world, it's because of their "lack of ability." The weak are trampled. They are overrun. They are violated. They are afflicted."_ Yamori let out a sigh of nostalgia as he caressed Kaneki's cheek.

" _I tried to come up with an escape plan but there was nothing. But then I found it- a way out. In my desperation, I found a way to escape the pain. I convinced myself I was the investigator; no longer was I the ghoul called "Yamori."_ ** _I_** _was the investigator interrogating and torturing Yamori. When I believed that, a question came about- was I suffering pain or inflicting it? It felt like the enemy and I had become one and I felt a strange sense of unity with him."_

Amon felt like he was becoming a stone statue as he listened to Yamori speak. He wanted to yell and scream- wanted to call the ghoul a filthy liar. There was no way an investigator would do something so barbaric. Amon wanted to say that but he wasn't a hypocrite. Investigators weren't known for their sanity or kindness. Still, for an investigator to go as far as Yamori suggested was crossing a line. The CCG _did_ have standards.

Right?

(Then he remembers the countless ghouls locked up on Cochlea. He remembers Mado's sadistic bitterness- how he didn't even let that ghoul have her last words. He remembers the countless quinques-

-and he knows Yamori's not lying.)

" _Then, one day, our roles were reversed by a small chance. He begged me as I had begged him but what could I do but show him what he had taught me? In that small hour, I felt human and I'll never forget that thrill."_

A human, Amon thought numbly; a human taught this ghoul how to make others suffer.

" _The injections, my methods of torture- I picked those things up from that guy and that's how I amuse myself now. Humans and ghouls are fragile and die quickly. But you, Kaneki, you are "good_." Yamori said as he stood behind the boy.

 _"Rize's kagune is really special, even among the rinkaku types. I don't know if you've realized this, but that regenerative ability of yours? It's abnormal even among ghouls."_

Amon was missing something and he was desperately trying to figure out what. Who was Rize? Kaneki had mentioned the name but what did that have to do with Kaneki's regenerative abilities? Yamori spoke as if Kaneki was unaware of his own powers. Amon was distracted from these questions as Yamori began to laugh.

" _It's all thanks to the good doctor's "experiment." Did you know? There are others like you out there."_

Doctor? Experiment? Amon was confused. What was Yamori talking about? Others like Kaneki? Of course there were others. The boy was a ghoul after all.

" _When Kanou fled, the truth came out. He's making "ghouls" with Rize. The experiments haven't stopped."_ Then, as if flipping a switch, Yamori changed the subject and began to dig around in his pocket. " _Do you know what this is?"_ He asked Kaneki, holding up a centipede. For the first time since the tape started, Amon saw Kaneki move. Grey eyes widened in fear as he took in the squirming insect.

" _The Chinese Red-Headed centipede is the largest centipede you can find in Japan. I'm gonna put this guy in your ear, ok?_ " Yamori casually told him.

Amon felt the bile rise in his throat. It had to be a bluff. Yamori wouldn't really do it. Kaneki hadn't done anything to deserve that. He had been cooperative the whole time.

" _Please stop . . . I don't want that. P-lease, that I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I- ahhh! No!"_ Kaneki's brittle voice rose to a shriek as the centipede was shoved into his ear and Yamori duct taped his victim's eyes and ears shut-blocking out the world, leaving Kaneki with only darkness and a centipede.

This went beyond cruelty, Amon thought as he watched Kaneki's head jerk back and forth. He heard chairs clatter behind him and the door slam but Amon's eyes were transfixed on Kaneki's small frame.

" _Ahhhhh. . .oh my godddd- s-stop! Please! It'. . .it's eating me! It-it won't st-top moving. Burrowing- whyyyy-ah!"_

The cries were awful. The tears were leaking past the duct tape and Amon felt them on his own cheeks.

Then, something peculiar happened. The sobs became louder and louder until they turned into. . .

. . . laughter?

" _ah. . .Ha hahh, hahahha! HAH! HA HA!"_ Kaneki's mad laughter mingled with Yamori's cackles of delight.

Amon's heart shattered as he realized he was watching the moment Kaneki broke.

" _Hah, ha. . .kill me. . please. I want to die. Kill me. . .I want my mom. Mom. . ."_ Kaneki's laughter turned to pleas for death.

Amon blinked back his tears and tried to put his emotions away. He tried to focus and rationalize what he was seeing but all he could take in was Kaneki's pain: The way he cried, the way he moved, the way his hair had turned stark white.

The tape ended on Kaneki's painful screams and Amon knew at that moment, if they ever met again, he would never be able to hurt Kaneki.

"Why, why did his hair turn white?" Amon asked in a hoarse voice to fill up the void of silence. He could still hear Kaneki laughing and crying in his ears and he wanted to drown out the sound; wanted to forget everything he just witnessed.

"He's suffering from Marie Antoinette Syndrome. It causes the hair to go white under large amounts of stress." Arima's soft voice filtered into Amon's ears and he clung to the answer.

"Will it turn back?"

"Sometimes." Arima answered after a moment and Amon wondered if Arima suffered from the same syndrome as he watched the investigator fiddle with his own white hair.

"That's the least of our worries at the moment." Arima continued, voice and eyes turning sharp. "I'm interested in Kanou's role in all of this."

"Kanou?" Amon asked blankly. Yamori had mentioned the name but Amon had no idea who Kanou was.

"Kanou worked in the CCG morgue for quite a few years," Shinohara kindly explained. "He quit when you started at the academy, so you wouldn't know him."

"I see. Where is he now?" Amon asked.

"He's a surgeon at a hospital in the 20th ward." Marude responded, looking worried though Amon couldn't guess why. "After we're finished here, I'm going to double-check and make sure he's still employed there. If so, we may be seeing him very soon."

"Why?" Juuzou asked, saving Amon from asking himself.

"Weren't you listening?!" Marude snapped, "Yamori mentioned that Kanou was making "ghouls" with a ghoul called Rize. That's something we should take top priority in looking at and putting a stop to immediately."

"How do you make a ghoul?" Juuzou asked, tilting his head to side in a curious manner.

"I wouldn't know and I don't want to know." Marude muttered.

"Kaneki mentioned a "Rize" in the last video." Amon recalled. "Do you think it's the same ghoul?"

"More than likely," It was Arima that answered. "It's also possible, from Yamori's words, that Kaneki was one of Kanou's experiments." The older investigator pointed out.

"What? No, that can't be. Kaneki's just a ghoul." Amon's not sure why he said that but Arima gave him a look of pity and a sad smile.

"Is he?" Was all the other asked and Amon remembered his own questions: How Yamori made it sound like Kaneki didn't know his own powers; how Kaneki was sympathetic to humans and how Yamori talked about there being others like Kaneki.

Amon did not want these questions answered. He was afraid of what the answers would be.

"Are you two capable of watching the next tape?" Marude asked and Amon turned around to see Seidou and Akira had stepped back in the room. He had forgotten they had left earlier.

"Y-yes. Sorry." Seidou apologized with a bow while Akira gave a stiff nod, still pale and trembling.

"You don't have to stay if you don't want to." Shinohara told them gently. "Even for a seasoned investigator like me, this material is hard to look at."

"We'll stay." Akira replied firmly, taking her seat. "If we want to be good investigators, we need to get used to seeing graphic things like. . ." She trailed off and Amon was surprised to see her shudder slightly.

"Oh, before I forget," Marude spoke up, gaining everyone's attention. "I've spoken to the higher ups about the graphic imagery these tapes have. They would like me to remind all of you that the CCG does have counselors and therapists if you need to see one. There is no shame in visiting one if you need to." Marude ended, giving Amon a swift glance before popping in the 6th tape. It took Amon a moment to figure out why Marude looked at him but then he remembered he had been crying and subtly tried to dry the tear tracks off his cheeks.

As the 6th tape began to play, Amon prepared himself for the oncoming bloodshed.

The first thing he noticed was Kaneki's clothes had changed and while he was glad that the boy was given a different set of clothes, the black shirt and torn white shorts weren't very clean.

"Why is his hair white? And what's with the blindfold?" Amon heard Seidou whisper and sighed in relief when Shinohara said he would fill them in later.

" _I was getting sick of your old clothes. These are much better,_ _don't you think, Kaneki_?" Yamori's voice came off screen. " _I have something to do today, unfortunately, but I'll be back soon and we'll crank up the excitement. Enjoy the time alone with your. . .friend_." The ghoul laughed and Amon growled as he heard the door click shut.

For a good 10 minutes, they all stared at Kaneki's still form. Amon wondered if this is all the tape would show when Kaneki sort of. . .jerked. As if he had been surprised.

" _Rize-san?"_ Amon heard Kaneki mutter, mouth pulled into a frown. The frown lasted only for a moment before changing into a sad smile.

" _My mother, she's the one who taught me it was better to be hurt than to hurt others. She was very kind and warm_." Kaneki stopped talking for a moment and then started talking again. " _My dad died when I was four. I don't really remember him; all that was left of him were his books. I used to read them. It felt like. . .like I was having a conversation with him. It made me happy to know I was enjoying the same things he once did. When mom came home from work, she would teach me the words that I couldn't understand_."

Amon wondered if the CCG had killed Kaneki's father and it made him feel guilty. He was used to viewing ghouls as monsters but Kaneki had changed that.

Amon noticed there was an odd pause before Kaneki continued speaking.

" _After my dad died, mom took on lots of jobs. She wanted to provide me with everything I needed. I wish she would have taken a break but she never did. She was a good cook. I loved her hamburgers the most. I wish I could remember how they tasted."_

The confession made Amon utter a startled, "What?"

Ghouls can't eat human food without feeling sick; maybe Kaneki's mom grounded up humans into burger patties? But that didn't seem right either. Amon let it go for the moment and focused on the tape.

" _I wasn't the only one she supported. My aunt was always asking for money. Mom really didn't have it but she gave anyway. She took on more work to make up for it_." Here Kaneki tried to stifle a sob and failed.

" _I came home one day and found her face down on the table. She overworked herself to death; that's it. Not a disease or an illness. Not an accident or a murder-just overwork. She'd still be alive if she had taken a break. I was 10_."

Amon had no idea Kaneki had been orphaned at such a young age; by the way he had called out for his mother, Amon had assumed she was still alive. Still, for a ghoul to die of overwork was pretty impressive- she must have been a hard worker or she had given all her 'food' to her son.

Being orphaned himself at a young age, Amon felt a special connection with Kaneki- he went through the same loneliness he could hear in Kaneki's voice.

" _My aunt's family took me in- said it's the least they could do. I took comfort in that; that they wanted me. I tried to be perfect for them. My aunt. . . when she saw some of my test scores she told me I was smart- just like my mom_."

Another odd pause in the monologue.

" _I studied hard in all my subjects and I scored 100% on all the tests_." Amon heard Shinohara let out an impressed whistle. Amon was impressed himself; he had been a B average student at best.

" _When I showed them to her, I was expecting more praise. Maybe that's my fault wanting that. But I never expected her to say. . ."_ Kaneki trailed off and titled his head to side.

As if he was listening to someone.

" _I never expected her to say, "_ ** _What are you insinuating_** _?" It changed everything. After that, I heard her grumbling about me upstaging her son, among other things. I wasn't! And my cousin didn't care one way or another. I tried to rectify my mistake. I never showed her another test score and I kept out of the way and did the house work but it was no good_." Kaneki gave a bitter laugh and shook his head.

 _"I realized soon enough that she wasn't comparing me to her son- she was comparing me to my mother and that angered her_. _Slowly, that family became a place in which I found no comfort. I realized none of them would look after me- none of them wanted to. My family was gone_." He said it was such finality that Amon knew Kaneki had accepted that statement as a fact long ago.

" _I don't know what would have happened to me if it weren't for Hide. He really saved me. I don't think I'll ever be able to repay him. Well, maybe by staying away from him- it'll probably save his life. I'm glad we hadn't been talking much before I ended up here. He would have followed me- would have offered himself up as sacrifice and I- I wouldn't have been able to handle that."_ Kaneki confessed. " _Hide's really smart but he's only human and I know he can't grow his toes and fingers back like me- he would try to convince me he could just to cheer me up though_."

There was another pause and Amon realized he was listening in on a one-sided conversation. Kaneki wasn't airing his past to stay sane- he was talking to someone about it.

Someone only he could see.

" _When we were younger, our class put on a play and I was the main character_." Kaneki gave a dry chuckle. _"I was forced into it. I knew the story and the whole class said, "_ ** _Do it!"_** _I really couldn't refuse. I remember it went unexpectedly well. I was really nervous but Hide told me it would turn out awesome. As usual, he was right. I. . ._ " Kaneki's voice became vulnerable. _"I would never wish him here- in my place, in my position- but I wish he was here to tell me it would be ok."_

Kaneki's head shot up as the camera let out a beep, indicating it was low on battery before it shut off.

"I'm really confused." Seidou admitted, scratching his head. "Why was he blindfolded and why is his hair white? How could he like burgers if he's a ghoul?"

Shinohara quickly filled Seidou and Akira in on what they had missed.

"A doctor making ghouls?" Akira questioned. "Why would any sane person do that? And why ghouls? As far as I know, ghoul procreation hasn't decreased."

How Akira would know something like that, Amon didn't know and he didn't care. She did have a point though- making more ghouls was redundant with so many already around. No, there was something else here. Why would a doctor experiment with a ghoul to make more ghouls?

Unless, he was using more than ghouls in his experiments?

Oh. _Oh_. It clicked in Amon's mind and looking at the faces of his superiors, they had reached his conclusion while still on the 5th tape.

Anger tore through Amon as he stood up, gaining everyone's attention. He didn't care- he was so angry.

"I'm going home." He gritted out and headed to the door. "Marude!" He called, turning back around to look at the man. "Find Kanou as soon as possible. I want a _word_ with him." Amon snarled before stomping off, ignoring the calls to come back. Amon wanted a word with Kanou alright.

A word and a punch in the face.

Amon didn't go home to have nightmares about Kaneki. He didn't go eat and wonder about Kaneki's eating habits. He didn't go to the library and try to find books Kaneki might have read.

Amon went to gym and worked his rage out on several punching bags with one thought racing around his head.

Kaneki had been human once.

* * *

 **A/N: I rephrased some of the dialogue from the manga but some of it's still the same.**


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning, Amon had been one of the first people in the room. He hadn't slept the night before; his mind had been playing ping pong, going back and forth between a fiery rage and an indescribable despair for Kaneki. It had occurred to him at one point that Kaneki might have volunteered to be experimented on but Amon dismissed that idea almost as quickly as it had entered his mind. From what Amon knew about Kaneki, the boy was too timid and gentle to willingly subject himself to such an operation; he looked like the type who would be happy to live a quiet, simple life.

The others came in and Amon ignored them, focusing on the blank television screen. The punching bags had cooled his anger but it still ran through him as steady as his blood. He clenched his fists as Marude slapped a manila folder onto the table, gaining everyone's attention.

"I had our Intelligence Department look into a few things for me last night," He drawled, picking the folder back up and riffling through it. "Kanou Akihiro, our former morgue worker, is currently employed at Kanou General Hospital. Not only does he work there, he has partial ownership, hence the Kanou in the name. Our intelligence pulled patient records from the last 6 months." Marude gave them a sickly smile as he held up a photo for all to see.

"Guess who had an emergency organ transplant 3 months ago?"

Even though Amon had met and conversed with Kaneki briefly, even though he had spent these past few days watching Kaneki, Amon felt like this small photo truly gave him a glimpse at the boy that was currently changing Amon's world.

It was a school id that had been blown up with a white background. A pale face with a nervous smile and light grey eyes looked at him. Amon noticed pink dusting Kaneki's cheeks; as if he was unused to having his picture taken.

After all Amon had witnessed, he wondered if Kaneki would be able to smile like that again.

"Kaneki Ken," Marude said, gaining Amon's attention. "A freshman at Kamii University, majoring in Literature. He was involved in a freak accident while walking his date home one night; steel beams from a construction site fell on them."

"Ouch." Amon heard Seidou mutter in sympathy. Amon was stuck on something else Marude mentioned.

Kaneki Ken.

Amon finally had a complete name to go with boy who intrigued him as no other had.

"His date-they never got her name according to records- died instantly but here's where it gets interesting," Marude gave them another smile. "Guess whose organs were transplanted into Kaneki Ken?"

"His date was a ghoul." Akira spoke, catching the implication immediately.

"Yup. This kid seems to have the worst luck." Marude chuckled and Amon felt himself snap.

"Do not belittle what Kaneki Ken has gone through." It was not Amon's scorching anger but Arima's cold displeasure that everyone heard.

"I'm not!" Marude snapped, flushing in embarrassment.

"You are," Arima responded bluntly and Amon had never liked the man more than he had at this moment. "Can you imagine, Marude? Being gravely injured, thinking you're about to meet death when, suddenly, you wake up in a hospital. You think you've come out relatively unscathed but then you start to notice things. . . food makes you sick, people have a mouthwatering smell about them and you have the strangest urge to taste flesh. Ah, you still have a code of ethics but this frightening change is challenging it. The people who you once considered equal have somehow become food in your eyes. Tell me, Marude, how would you react if you looked in the mirror and saw the eyes of a monster staring back at you?"

"You're taking this too far, Arima." Marude growled.

"I am not," Arima responded stoically. "Regardless, I would ask that you withhold your jokes about Kaneki Ken's situation until the tapes are finished. Perhaps your views will change."

Marude muttered a few unflattering words about Arima under his breath as he popped in the 7th tape.

" _Hey Kaneki_ ," Yamori's voice came through the speakers as Kaneki's form flickered on the screen. He was still tied to the chair and the duct tape had been replaced with a black blindfold.

His hair was still white, Amon noted sadly.

" _I realized something about you these past few days. Your body and mind are surprisingly resilient. I thought I broke you but I haven't yet, have I_?" Yamori asked as he stood next to Kaneki. " _Not completely. So things are going to be a little different today; a . . . deviation from our routine."_

There was sly satisfaction in Yamori's voice and Amon braced himself for what the monster had in store. His mind raced at Yamori's implications and he found himself confused and worried. The ghoul had already brought Kaneki to the edge of sanity several times. What could be worse than putting a live centipede in someone's ear?

Amon found out as Yamori yanked off the blindfold.

" _What do you think about this_?" As quick as one could blink, Yamori's calm demeanor morphed into twisted excitement as he pulled forward a terrified woman and a child. " _A mother and a child!"_

Amon watched Kaneki's weary eyes widen in shock and recognition.

" _Which one should I kill_?" Yamori asked Kaneki, practically drooling in anticipation.

" _W-what? Why. . ."_ For the first time, Amon saw Kaneki become angry. " _Why didn't you let them go?! You promised me you'd let them go if I came with you!"_ Kaneki screamed.

"How naive," Amon heard Akira whisper, her voice was cold but Amon detected a tinge of pity in it for Kaneki.

" _You fucking liar!_ " Kaneki spat at Yamori, trembling in his chair.

" _I told you, didn't I? I don't tell_ ** _boring_** _lies_." Yamori reminded Kaneki before throwing his head back and laughing. " _LOOK AT HOW MUCH FUN I'M HAVING!"_

" _This is the worst . . . What have I been..."_ Amon heard Kaneki mumbling to himself as Yamori calmed down.

" _God! It was so hard to stop laughing!"_ Yamori confessed, setting a hand on Kaneki's head and leaning in. " _It was too funny- you up here, bearing all this torture for the sake of your friends._ "

Then Yamori moved until his lips were next to Kaneki's ear.

" _So? Which one should I kill?"_

" _I can't choose something like that. . ."_ Kaneki whispered, closing his eyes and Amon wondered if he was closing them out of frustration or trying to shut out the situation completely.

" _What a boring answer_." Yamori sighed. " _If you don't choose, both will die. Should I rephrase the question_?" The ghoul asked, cracking his fingers.

" _ **Which one do you want to save**_?"

"Don't make him do that. That's not fair! That's not fair!" Seidou's shaky voice floated up from behind Amon. Akira shushed him and Shinorhara whispered something to the distressed investigator to calm him down.

 _"Kaneki-kun."_ It was new voice, barely above a whisper. It was the mother, Amon realized with a jolt. She was staring at Kaneki with determined eyes as she mouthed something to him. Amon couldn't read lips well but he understood her message.

 _Save my son._

(And the guilt almost drowned out everything as Amon came upon the realization that this ghoul was a _mother_. She wasn't a monster; she didn't sacrifice her young to save herself. It reminded Amon of another terrible time - of a woman holding an umbrella; a woman who unleashed her kagune as she told her daughter to run.

Oh God, Amon realized with nauseating comprehension, she hadn't been a monster, had she?)

On the screen, Yamori was pestering Kaneki for an answer.

" _Hurry up! Mother or child. Pick or I'll kill both."_

" _I can't make a choice like that!"_ Kaneki screamed, voice breaking and Yamori's nostrils flared in anger. Grabbing Kaneki by the hair, he shook the boy back and forth, screaming incoherently.

" _Answer! Pick! Answer me! Answer me, answer me, pick one, pick one! Pick, pick, pick, answer me- ANSWER ME!"_ Yamori ended in a deafening roar.

 _"How can I pick?"_ Kaneki asked, tears streaming down his face. " _If you have to kill somebody, kill me!"_

It doesn't work like that, Amon thought numbly. If it worked like that, Amon would be in the belly of a priest and all his friends would be alive and happy and safe.

 _"I see. So that's your answe_ r." Yamori said calmly- too calmly, Amon noticed with unease- as he walked over to the mother. _"Watch closely, kid."_ He chuckled cruelly to the crying child.

Amon clenched his hands as he prepared for the slaughter but a voice called out.

" _Yamori._ " It was the ghoul that Yamori had impaled a few tapes back. Nico, if Amon remembered right, and he was surprised to see the ghoul looked troubled.

" _You're hobby is too depraved_." Nico chided and Amon almost snorted; that was an understatement if he had ever heard one. " _Killing the child's mother in front of him is just. . ."_

" _What was that?"_ Yamori asked dangerously.

 _"You're going overboard. You're pretty awful, which I like, but this is sick."_

" _Bastard, are you telling me what to do?"_ Yamori growled.

 _"No, I just-"_

 _"-_ ** _FEEL BAD FOR THEM?!_** _"_

It was all a grotesque haze to Amon after that. Images blurred together; Yamori strangling the child, choking him so hard, Amon could hear the bones snapping. The mother was screaming a name, tears flowing down her cheeks as she reached out for her son.

" _Shit! Shit! Why do I even bother?"_ Yamori asked himself as he tossed the child down like a broken toy. " _It's all so boring."_ He complained. Then, his eyes slid to the mother, narrowing in annoyance when he saw her sobbing over her son. _"You're too loud!_ " He snapped at her, tearing through her with his kagune.

Unlike Nico, she did not heal.

" _It's your fault. Hypocrite_." Yamori spat at Kaneki as he left, slamming the door behind him.

After all the screaming and yelling, the absence of sound seemed loud with Kaneki's stuttering gasps to chip at it every now and then as he took in the bodies with unblinking eyes.

" _Soiled corpses_ ," Nico sighed and Kaneki looked at him, eyes wild as Nico's kagune appeared. Carefully, he posed the mother and child into a loving embrace. " _I couldn't save them but I can give this much as a goodbye._ " He told Kaneki kindly as the tape ended.

Amon mentally prepared himself for the discussion of the tape. He didn't want to participate but the faster they got the conversation finished, the faster they could watch the last tape and end this hell for everyone involved.

"Can. . .can we skip discussing the tape and just end this?" Seidou asked quietly, staring at the table. "I mean, what is there to discuss? We already know Yamori's demented and he only killed those ghouls to torture Kaneki. What more is there to analyze?"

"There's Nico." Shinohara pointed out and Amon was surprised to see Seidou scrunch his face up in dislike.

"Nico. . .I don't like him either."

"Why?" Juuzou asked curiously. "He made the dead bodies look nice. That's good, right?"

"He didn't even try to stop Yamori." Seidou replied bitterly. "He just stood there as that child was strangled to death. If he's so good, why hasn't he helped Kaneki escape?" Seidou asked, bringing up a point that Amon had missed.

"That ghoul's motives aren't important at the moment." Marude told them. "Did you want to finish this up quickly or not?" He asked, holding up the last tape. Everyone quieted and as tension rose in the room, so did sorrow rise in Amon's heart.

It was very likely this last tape held the end of Kaneki Ken.

Amon did not want to see it.

The familiar checkered room appeared. Sitting dead center in the camera was Kaneki, his head hung low. At first Amon, thought he was already dead and sighed in relief when he heard Kaneki breathing, shallow though it was.

" _Kaneki_ ," Yamori called out, walking on screen, his face obscured by his mask. " _We're being attacked by the Doves. It's our duty to protect this place from them."_

 _"Do you believe the rumors?"_ Yamori asked offhandedly. _"I heard it a long time ago but it's coming back again, I think. Have you heard? If you 'cannibalize' a ghoul, you'll become stronger."_

Amon felt shock drench him. How could he forget? Kuroiwa had told him about cannibalism among ghouls. He had even mentioned that Yamori was one!

" _They taste foul. I tried it with that one guy. Since then, I've been getting the feeling that my kagune has been growing sharper. I believe in that shitty rumor."_ Yamori confessed to his silent companion. " _We're probably designed to devour each other; us ghouls."_

Yamori lifted his mask and gave Kaneki a smirk as he caressed the boy's cheek with his fingers.

" _ **And now, for your end. Accept my total domination of you, Kaneki Ken**_." Yamori smirked.

What happened next took everyone by surprise. It happened so quickly no one had seen the movement, only the outcome.

A chunk of Yamori's face was missing.

" _A bite . . .?"_ The stupefied ghoul asked and the sound of chewing filled the air.

" _Disgusting. Like rotten fish."_ Kaneki's rough voice came out, the blood on his lips contrasting with his white skin. Amon frowned. The emptiness in Kaneki's voice made him want to shudder.

They were missing something. Something had happened between this video and the last one that caused Kaneki Ken to change.

" _Y-you fuck . . . you ate that?!"_ Yamori yelled and made a swipe at Kaneki but the boy was no longer in his chair. Kaneki had ripped through the wood, did some marvelous acrobatics, and landed on Yamori's back, using his chained hands to choke the other.

" _Should I say sorry?"_ Kaneki asked with a mocking smile before Yamori threw him off.

" _Little shit."_ Yamori growled before noticing he was bleeding above his ear. " _You tried to eat me again!"_

Standing a few feet away in broken chains, Kaneki looked at his captor.

" _You tried to eat me_." Kaneki reminded the other as he cracked his knuckles before giving Yamori a look and saying something Amon would never forget.

" _ **So if you get eaten, isn't that. Just. Too. Bad?"**_

" _Have you gone insane?"_ Yamori asked as he grabbed the other. " _The strong eat the weak! Me! I'm the strong!"_

" _So try it."_ Kaneki said as he tried to aim a kick at Yamori's head. Yamori was prepared this time and grabbed onto Kaneki's leg, smirking as he did so.

" _Idiot! I won't let go, even if it breaks_!"

" _I don't care if it breaks."_ Kaneki said carelessly, twisting and twisting until his leg snapped and the skin looked like a braided rope. " _You think I'd call this pain_?" Kaneki asked with the most frightening look Amon had ever seen.

"Wow~ I wish my leg could twist like that." Juuzou giggled and was shushed by Shinohara who looked very pale.

Amon almost gave a victory shout when he saw Kaneki deliver a deadly kick to Yamori's head, sending the other through a wall that was several feet away. As dust filled the air from the impact, the investigators watched as Kaneki's twisted leg healed itself within seconds.

"Impressive." Akira muttered. Amon agreed; ghouls healed quickly but what Kaneki just did- that was phenomenal. As the dust cleared, angry breathing could be heard and when Amon could see Yamori again, he saw that the ghoul was not the same.

His kagune covered his eyes.

" _I'll kill you, I'll kill you, I'll kill you! Crunch on your bones, slurp up your blood and gobble down your intestines! I'll devour you!"_ Yamori yelled, spit flying as he cracked his fingers.

In contrast, Kaneki looked on calmly.

" _Yeah,_ " He said, titling his head slightly with a smile, cracking his own fingers. " _What a bother._ "

The fight that the played out was unlike anything Amon had ever seen. He understood right away that Yamori had become kakuja. The ghoul's movements had become quicker and his hits more powerful; it would have taken at least four investigators to take him down- maybe even more.

Which is why Amon found Kaneki Ken to be more impressive than he first realized.

During his own fight with Kaneki, Amon had realized the ghoul was stronger than he initially thought. Quinques were not easy to cut through. Even then, though, Amon had figured out that while Kaneki _could_ fight, he was reluctant to do so. If Amon had to guess, he would say Kaneki had only just begun learning how to fight. Beginners often hesitate because they're afraid of hurting their opponent.

Watching Kaneki skillfully dodge Yamori's attacks and defending with his own kagune, Amon saw Kaneki's hesitation to hurt had faded completely. If filled Amon's chest up with pride and he silently cheered Kaneki on.

Then Yamori's kagune tore through Kaneki's abdomen.

" _Too shallow, huh?"_ Kaneki asked with a bloody smile as Yamori threw him into a wall. As Yamori huffed like a tired beast, Kaneki emerged from the dust. Slowly, his kagune unfurled from his back and spread out, looking like butterfly wings.

Amon found them beautiful.

" _That hurt. Is it my turn now?"_ Kaneki mockingly asked but did not attack as Amon though he would. Instead, Kaneki seemed to be studying Yamori. There was a tense silence as the two looked at each other.

Then, Kaneki struck.

Amon could call it nothing short of complete domination.

Kaneki used his kagune not only to cut but also to grab. If Yamori came at him, Kaneki pummeled him into the ground; if Yamori tried using his kagune, Kaneki countered by slicing it off with his own. Soon, Kaneki had Yamori pinned to the floor.

" _Kag. . .neki. . .urg!"_ Yamori gurgled out, blood bursting from his throat. Above him, Kaneki looked on, serene as the night sky.

" _Eating other ghouls makes one stronger._ " Kaneki said, titling his head to the side and tapping at his temple a few times.

" _Is that what you said?"_ Kaneki asked with a deranged smile as he pulled a centipede out of his ear.

"Cool!" Juuzou yelled in excitement. Amon winced. It had been in there this whole time?

Watching on, Amon was filled with satisfaction at the terrified look on Yamori's face. The ghoul tried to crawl away but Kaneki grabbed onto his foot and pierced him with all four of his extra limbs.

" _I wonder if eating your kagune will stop your regeneration?"_ Kaneki wondered out loud, ignoring Yamori's screams.

" _Hey, what's 1000-7?"_ Kaneki whispered in the other's ear.

Everything after that was something Amon wished he had never seen. He was happy that Kaneki was fighting back and winning-

" _Urg! 867. 860."_

-And even though Amon was happy that Yamori was receiving payback for his actions-

" _Gross. You're disgusting. I want to puke."_

-He wished it hadn't been like this.

" _85? Eh? I'm? Eat? Eating. . .me_?"

" _You're the bad one. Rotten coffee beans must be culled."_ Kaneki said coldly as he looked at Yamori's pathetic form. Then, he looked thoughtful.

" _If humans were the ones who turned you cruel, perhaps you are also a victim."_ Kaneki pondered before all emotions left his eyes, leaving only apathy.

" _But I won't be like you. I won't take your life for pleasure_." He told the other, standing over him.

" _You said the investigators were storming the building? I presume they'll come here too. Ah, it seems you can't regenerate anymore. What bad luck."_ Kaneki said as he made his way towards the doors. He stopped short for a moment, as if remembering something, before changing his path until he was in front of the camera.

" _I'm so sick of looking at this camera."_ He sighed. " _Don't worry though, I won't destroy the tape. I think I like this ending. As for your ending, Yamori, please go ahead and die or be killed. I don't want to be responsible for something like your life."_

With those parting words, Kaneki stopped the tape.

"Ah!" Juuzou was the first to speak. "I remember now! I saw him from one of the windows. I though he looked familiar! I like him! He gave me such a good toy to play with!" The young investigator ended with a laugh, enthusiastically clapping his hands. Juuzou's words jolted Amon's own memory from the raid; he had also seen Kaneki from afar but hadn't realized it was him. He had his suspicions but he had been too far away to confirm them.

Amon was trying to keep a lid on his own bubbling excitement; Kaneki had survived! Against all odds, the gentle boy had made it out alive.

But at what cost?

The thought put a damper on Amon's mood. Clearly, Kaneki had changed. After what he went through, how could he not? The question was no longer if Kaneki would live; it was how much did the torture change him?

"I want a poster of him up right away. S rank, no, maybe SS rank." Marude said as he dug his phone out of his pocket.

"What?! No!" Amon yelled, leaping over the table and grabbing Marude's phone before he could make the call. Normally, Amon would be horrified at his own actions against his superior but not today.

"Are you out of you mind?" Marude snapped. "Did you not just see what I saw? Some kid who hasn't even been a ghoul _for a year_ took out a kakuja! Not just any kakuja but Jason! And what's worse, that boy made it look easy! Do you have any idea how dangerous Kaneki Ken is, Amon?"

"He hasn't done anything wrong." Amon argued, holding on tightly to the phone. "I agree, he was terrifying to watch but Yamori forced his hand. Think about what he's been through, Marude. If I was in his situation, I might have done something similar. As of now, he has not harmed any humans. No one during the raid mentioned being hurt by a white haired ghoul; if he was as deranged as you're trying to imply, we would have seen it by now."

"I agree with, Amon." Shinohara spoke up. "Kaneki Ken is dangerous but what good would putting up posters do? That would just make his go underground. Besides, in case you've forgotten Marude, Kaneki Ken is a special case."

"Oh really?" The other sneered.

"You said it yourself; Kaneki hasn't been a ghoul for even a year. He was experimented on against his will, thrown into a world he likely knew nothing about, was forced to adapt and to top it off, was tortured to spare his friends the same fate. Can you imagine if the media became aware of this story? Can you imagine the public's reaction if we put up wanted posters for him? The CCG would be in a bad place."

"Why?" Juuzou asked.

"Because even if Kaneki is part ghoul, people will sympathize with his plight." Shinohara explained. "And I wouldn't blame them. Even if we pretended we knew nothing, someone out there knows Kaneki Ken used to be human. Classmates, teachers, coworkers - and you don't think one of them would speak up? We cannot treat this like our other cases, Marude."

"Kaneki Ken is not our main concern." Arima spoke up before Marude could open his mouth. "Kanou is. We need him in custody and we need to see what else he's been doing. I doubt Kaneki Ken was the only one he experimented on."

"What? So you want to ignore this new danger too, Arima?" Marude asked incredulously.

"On the contrary, I would very much like to speak with Kaneki Ken." Arima replied with a small smile. "I do not believe he is a danger unless we force him into becoming one."

"Um, he was human for 19 years, right?" Seidou spoke up. "So he understands how humans think and feel. He doesn't look like someone who would trample over others for fun."

"What do you think, Akira?" Amon asked his partner. She had been quiet for some time. Right now it was clear she was thinking deeply on the subject matter and Amon knew why. Mado and his daughter held no love for ghouls. All of them needed to be eliminated; that is what Akira had been taught all her life.

". . . As long as he keeps eating other ghouls, I would consider him a distant ally. The moment he tries to eat a human, he should be hunted like the rest." She told them resolutely.

"That's no good either." Shinohara sighed. "We've studied the effects of cannibalism among ghouls. It's true that they grow stronger but they also become mentally unstable. The more ghouls Kaneki Ken eats, the more unhinged he will become. I do not want that fate for him. We need to reach out to him; to let him know we're willing to help him."

"He'd think it'd be a trap." Marude snorted. "No ghoul in their right mind would believe the CCG wants to help them. Also, are you all conveniently forgetting that Kaneki Ken is a one-eyed ghoul? The most dangerous kind of ghoul? Do you think the higher ups will agree with your assessments of Kaneki Ken?"

At this, Arima stood up.

"We will see, won't we?" He asked as he left the room.

A week later, an ambiguous poster made its way onto the CCG public bulletin board.

* * *

GHOUL ALIAS: EYEPATCH

RANK: UNKNOWN

HAIR: WHITE

HEIGHT: AROUND 5'6

WEIGHT: AROUND 120 LBS

AGE: BETWEEN 18-20 YEARS OF AGE

WHEREABOUTS: UNKNOWN

CALL OF ACTION: DO NOT KILL. DO NOT ENGAGE.

IF SEEN CALL X X X- X X X- X X X X

THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION.

* * *

There was no picture.


	5. Chapter 5

( _He's sitting in a restaurant. It's warm and soft and the chatter of others washes over him. A boy sits down across from him. He looks gentle and kind, his hair is black._

 _Amon doesn't know him. He's new and unknown but he's important._

 _"Thank you for meeting me here." The boy says softly, his grey eyes shining like silver. "I wanted to talk to you."_

 _"It's no problem," Amon hears himself say. "I wanted to talk to you too."_

 _The boy smiles and Amon glances at the table. Looking up again he sees the boy reading The Setting Sun, one eye covered with an eye patch. His smile is strained._

 _"I hope you don't mind but I ordered for you." Amon tells him as the waitress sets down two burgers._

 _The boy laughs._

 _"Oh Amon," He says with a broken smile, hair white, face pale. "That's very kind of you."_

 _He picks the burger up with wounded fingers that are growing back with black nails. His blood mixes with the juices of the beef. A centipede crawls across the checkered table and up his wrist. Up, up, up it goes until-_

 _"But I can't eat this anymore."_

Amon wakes up screaming.)

* * *

It took two weeks to get Kanou into CCG custody. The tapes and Kaneki Ken's medical records should have been enough evidence to bring the doctor in but because he had a good reputation in the medical field and with the public, the higher ups were being cautious. The last thing they wanted was to make the wrong move, so Amon had to wait until the Intelligence Division found enough evidence to prove Kanou was conducting human experiments. Finally, after what felt like a lifetime of waiting, Amon was at the police station, watching behind a two-way mirror as Kanou's interrogation began. He was exhausted but his anger kept him alert. A tape was being recorded of the two on the other side of the mirror. Amon felt ill when he looked at it. All he could see in his head was a white figure with a shattered expression.

"Well, well, you've been busy since you've left us, Akihiro." Marude started out, thumbing through a thick folder as he sat down across from Kanou. "How's the hospital been treating you? Good?"

"It's been awhile, Marude." The older man greeted with a kind smile and gentle eyes; as if he were talking to an old friend. "I am curious, I thought the CCG could only arrest and detain ghouls? Has that changed? Last time I checked, the CCG had no jurisdiction in arresting humans."

Amon withheld a growl at the doctor's words. Kanou had no right to act so calm, not after all the damage he had caused.

"Hmm, your memory must be going." Marude taunted the other with a smirk. "The CCG is allowed to detain humans if they are believed to be harboring or aiding ghouls. Suspects remain in police custody because it's inhumane to house them with ghouls. Section 13, under clause 7 of the handbook; even a former morgue coroner should know that."

"Ah, but that's only if you have a police warrant." Kanou pointed out with a mild smile. "Which I don't think you have. I must say though, you certainty picked me up with style- arresting me at the entrance of my hospital. I imagine our public relations office is going crazy right now."

Amon smirked at the memory. Once the higher ups and the police gave them permission to arrest Kanou, they decided to watch his work pattern for a few days before striking. And by striking, Amon means pulling a screeching van into the employee parking, leaping out and tackling Kanou to the ground.

His only regret was that he didn't break any of Kanou's bones with that tackle.

"Well, see, that's where you're wrong. We _do_ have a warrant. I suppose I should apologize for how you were arrested but you must understand, we were afraid you'd be a flight risk and we wanted to catch you before you left for Germany." Marude told the other as he shuffled through the papers. "Let's see, where is it-ah! Here we are," He slapped the paper onto the table. "One warrant of arrest for Kanou Akihiro. Before you ask, it's for performing illegal experiments on humans though I'm sure you already knew that." Marude sneered.

Amon had to grudgingly admit that Kanou had a good poker face. The man didn't even blink at the accusation. Instead, calm eyes carefully read over the warrant before looking back at Marude. "My, this is something, isn't it? Still, what evidence do you have to prove this claim?" He questioned, gentle smile still etched on his face.

Amon decided then and there that he hated Kanou almost as much as he hated Yamori. He wanted to go in there and yell at Kanou. He wanted to scream at the man to stop acting; he wanted to choke the man until confessions bled from his lips. He wanted Kanou to beg and break the same way Kaneki was forced to under Yamori's ruthless hands.

He wanted justice for Kaneki Ken.

"What, Kaneki Ken's not enough?" Marude asked, practically throwing the file at Kanou. "How about the missing people that were- at one point or another- your patients? I'm impressed with how you went about avoiding detection on that; all you had to do was wait a few years and pick a patient you knew had little to no family. Even then, it was only one every five years or so. Makes me curious, how many homeless people did you pick up? Prostitutes? Drug addicts? Because there's no way the ones from the hospital were enough for you; oh no, not with all the time and money you put into this."

Kanou appeared to be ignoring Marude as he prudently read through the papers that had been tossed on the table. None of Marude's accusations made the doctor flinch which made Amon wonder. . .

. . .what kind of monster was Kanou Akihiro?

Finally the man looked up from the papers and gave his interrogator another kind smile.

"Oh, how is Kaneki? Is he still taking his supplements? He missed his last appointment." Kanou asked Marude.

Hearing the bland statement, Amon was barely able to hold back from hurling himself through the window to throttle Kanou.

"Look, there's no point in keeping up your act." Marude growled. "We have a financial paper trail on your crimes and as soon as the search warrant comes through, all your properties will be searched from top to bottom. Everything will be checked. Closets, cubbyholes, air vents- nothing, and I mean _nothing_ , will be overlooked. We know you transplanted a kakuhou into Kaneki Ken so don't bother denying it."

"I wouldn't dream of it," Kanou replied, almost sounding offended. "Why would I deny credit of my greatest creation?"

Amon's breath hitched.

He admitted it. Kanou admitted he turned Kaneki into a one-eyed ghoul and he did so with a smile on his face.

It made Amon sick.

"Tell me, are you in contact with him?" Kanou asked a shocked Marude. "Oh dear, he wasn't captured by an investigator was he? He needs his supplements you know. I know how ghouls are treated in Cochlea but you should cut the boy some slack; he's only just become one."

"So you admit that you transplanted a kakuhou into Kaneki Ken under the pretenses of it being a kidney transplant?" Marude asked and Kanou nodded. "Why?"

"Why what?" Kanou questioned back. "Why Kaneki Ken or why did I perform the transplant?"

"Both."

"Kaneki Ken was a fortuitous happenstance I stumbled upon. When I received the call that an emergency organ transplant needed to be done I intended to do just that. Then, I saw who was with him." Kanou was still smiling, lost in the memory. "The girl he was with had been crushed by steel beams but she was already healing. I knew immediately what she was. I couldn't let the opportunity pass me by. Yes, I transplanted her kakuhou into him and by doing so, I saved his life. There weren't any kidneys at the hospital that night, if I recall correctly, so I did the next best thing. My job is to save lives, and I did just that."

"Sure, sure." Marude snorted, not buying Kanou's reasoning. "And if there had been a kidney transplant available? Would you have used it?"

"Of course not." Kanou had the nerve to look affronted. "I told you, this was a rare opportunity and I wouldn't have wasted it, no matter the circumstances."

At that sentence, Amon did snap and had to turn around and punch the brick wall to let loose some of his anger. He was so disgusted he couldn't even look in the mirror. He knew that if he did, he would go into the hall, break down that door, and beat Kanou to death.

"Do you understand what you've done?" Marude's voice rang out. "You've ruined someone's life with your little experiment- you've ruined multiple lives. You turned Kaneki Ken into a monster and you're happy about that?"

"Ruined it?" Kanou sounded incredulous; as if the idea had never occurred to him. "Marude, I didn't ruin his life, I made it better! Sadly, the others failed but Kaneki Ken flourished. I made him better in every possible way: enhanced senses, superior strength, improved healing- I took him and made him evolve. He has far exceeded my expectations!"

My God, Amon thought, this man is insane.

"What were you trying to achieve with these experiments, Kanou?" Marude asked and Amon could tell he was thrown off by how candid Kanou was.

"A better world." The older man responded after a moment. "This place, it's a birdcage. For a long time, humans rallied around it, wanting to break free. That's how we evolved and modified ourselves. We weren't satisfied in the cold, so we made fire; we weren't satisfied with mud huts, so we made wooden houses. We set up societies and if we became dissatisfied with them, we started revolutions and wars. It's a cycle. A cycle that has grown sluggish as our technology grew. Tell me, when will we evolve again? Ten years from now? A hundred? A thousand?" The doctor shook his head sadly. "I can't wait that long. I can't spend the rest of my life waiting for the next evolution when I have all the tools at my disposal to start my own."

"And those tools are ghouls." Marude stated flatly.

"Not just ghouls. It can't be a human evolution if there's no human involved. Marude, I'm creating something greater than a human- something far superior." Kanou told him with a satisfied expression.

"All you're doing is creating one-eyed ghouls." Marude hissed, slamming his fist on the table. "You're giving ghouls an advantage in this fight. Making a better world- don't make me laugh."

"This is why humanity is failing," Kanou said with the air of someone whose point had been proven. "This, 'us vs them' mentality will lead us to extinction. Ghouls are superior in almost every way and you know it. Humans just can't accept that we aren't on top of the food chain and that pride will kill us. Why, I'm not so different from Kaneki Ken." Kanou said with a sly smile. "He wanted peace for both sides or, he did. Tell me, did Yamori break my masterpiece? I sincerely hope not."

Tension rose in the room and Amon clenched his fist.

"How did you know Kaneki Ken was in contact with Yamori?" Marude asked, voice flat and eyes dangerous.

"I never told anyone this, but one of the reasons I left the CCG was because of its dismissal attitude towards ghouls. They were always painted as the enemies; as near mindless beasts that only wanted to devour everything." Kanou had the nerve to look smug. "What I'm trying to say, Marude, is that it is possible to chat with a ghoul without getting eaten. How do you think I've been getting updates on Kaneki Ken?"

"For a man in so much trouble, you're rather talkative." Marude noted, switching subjects. "You do realize you'll be locked away for life for what you've done, right? Your ghoul friends won't save you."

"No, I don't imagine they will." Kanou agreed with ease. "But it's not about me; it's about making a better world. My, ah, 'friends' can get by without me."

"Who are they?"

"Now that would be telling." Kanou chuckled at Marude's sour look. "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll be meeting them soon enough. Might I call my lawyer?"

"Che. A lawyer won't help you out of the mess you've made." Marude snapped, standing up. "He's all yours." He told the policeman stationed outside the door..

"That man is insane." Marude complained as he entered the room. Amon grunted in agreement as he took out the tape and stuffed it in his jacket.

"Pity we can't put him in Cochlea. We'd definitely have some protests on our hands if we did that, no matter how atrocious his crimes are." Marude snorted in disgust as they drove back to the CCG.

"I don't care where he goes as long as he pays for what he did." Amon said darkly as he stared out his window, ignoring the look Marude gave him.

"Has any one told you you're too emotionally involved in this case?" Marude asked out of the blue, eyes focused on the road.

"What?!" Amon snapped, whirling around to glare at the other man.

"It's true. The reason you were partnered with me today was to help me interrogate Kanou but you couldn't do that because you were too angry. You've been in a bad mood ever since those tapes were discovered. Do you have any idea how many people have come to me and Shinohara these past few weeks wanting to know why you're snapping and glaring at every little thing?"

Amon winced at the revelation.

It was true. He had been angry these past few weeks and it wasn't just because of Kanou. He was having a hard time sleeping ever since the viewing. The higher ups had decided the tapes could only be viewed with a special clearance. The group that had watched them had been order not to talk about them. Despite this, word about the tapes had gotten out around headquarters. Nobody who gossiped about them knew what was on them except that it was a ghoul torturing another ghoul and that it was gruesome affair to view. Amon had heard differing opinions on the matter; some wanted to see the tapes out of morbid curiosity while others wanted to study them to further research how to weaken ghouls. He had even heard a few saying they should be shown in academy classes.

"I dislike heartless gossip." He replied, sounding weak even to his own ears.

"Look," Marude sighed. "I know you feel for the kid. We all do, even me." He defended when Amon gave him a disbelieving look. "I stand by what I said; he should be captured but I do feel bad for all the crap that came his way. My opinion doesn't matter though, the higher ups obviously agreed with whatever Arima pitched to them a few weeks back. That 'wanted' poster for Kaneki Ken is pathetic and it's intentional. You fought this kid and he spared your life, so I understand why you don't like the current office gossip but you're letting it affect your work. If you continue on like this, you _will_ be seeing a therapist and taking a leave of absence until you come back to your senses."

Amon stayed silent. Marude wasn't wrong but, in truth, Amon's feelings ran much deeper than he would ever say out loud. Yes, his professional mask had been shaken but Amon was also starting to see parallels he had been blinded to before viewing those damn tapes. The talk around the CCG showed Amon how much some of his peers were like Yamori. Amon still believed in the CCG, he still believed that ghouls should be regulated and executed when needed _but_ -

-but he was also beginning to see them in a human light.

He would never voice this. Kanou was right about one thing; any type of sympathy for a ghoul was frowned upon at the CCG and Amon was not about to kill his career.

(A part of him is angry at himself for feeling sympathy. He still remembers walking into that room and finding his friend butchered and dissected on the table. He still remembers Father looking at him, cold pity in his eyes and blood on his lips.

Amon still remembers being spared.)

"At least Kanou is more or less taken care of." Marude said when Amon failed to reply. "That's one less thing to worry about. Now all we're waiting on is that search warrant and that shouldn't take long to get." The man ended as they pulled into the CCG parking lot.

It took a week to discover that Marude had spoken too soon.

"What do you mean you can't release the search warrant to us?!" Marude's enraged yell could be heard all the way down the hall. Shinohara and Amon shared a look and made a detour to Marude's office. The man was tightly clutching his phone, face red and sweaty and he listened to the person on the other end.

"I don't believe you for a second. There's no way it should take two months for a damn search warrant- I don't care what his lawyer said! We have evidence of his crimes." Marude quieted for a moment before scowling. "No, we don't have physical evidence but- you know what, I don't have time to deal with your incompetence. We need that warrant as soon as possible." He ended, slamming his phone down. Heaving a heavy sigh, he looked at the two investigators.

"I don't know how but Kanou's lawyer is making the police go through a bunch of red tape to get the search warrant released. The idiot I just talked to told me it's going to take at least two months and at the most, six."

"Six?" Amon frowned. "Six months seems a bit excessive for a search warrant."

"It is," Shinohara confirmed with a frown of his own. "But Kanou's a well-respected doctor so his lawyer is doing everything they can to obstruct us."

"I hate lawyers. They're worse than ghouls sometimes." Marude muttered. "Well, two months or six, it doesn't matter. The lawyer can only stall us for so long."

"But by that time all the physical evidence we need to convict Kanou could be destroyed or stolen." Amon pointed out. "He told us he was on speaking terms with some ghouls; it wouldn't be hard for them to break in and take what they need."

"I'll talk to the higher ups about getting our lawyers on this but I have a feeling they won't be able to do much." Marude grumbled as he picked up his phone. "Don't you two have a case to work on or something?" He glared at them.

"Ah, we were going to see Akira when we heard you screaming." Shinohara replied good-naturedly as he stood up, Amon following in suit. "Keep us updated on this, alright?" Shinohara called out as they took their leave.

"You seem tense." Shinohara remarked as they walked down the hall.

"I don't like the fact that we were so close to getting the warrant only to have it snatched away." Amon told the other. "In six months' time there won't be anything on Kanou's property and you know it."

"Amon, even if we never get the chance to search Kanou's place, we do have enough evidence to convict him."

"A paper trail's not enough. Kanou's lawyer could come up with all sorts of ways to make him look innocent."

"That's true." Shinohara conceded but Amon could hear a smile in the other's voice. "But the CCG has some of the best lawyers out there. Marude was just being his usual grouchy self. We may not get the warrant right away but it won't take six months. Let's not worry about that now. I'm more concerned about you."

Amon stopped walking.

"What?" He asked, looking at Shinohara in confusion. The older man gave him a sad smile.

"Those tapes have shaken you." Was all the other said as he guided his colleague to one of couches that decorated the halls of the CCG.

"I think they shook everyone." Amon said as he sat down, sighing at how soft the couch was.

"Yes but no one else is losing sleep over them like you are. Sediou and I have been speaking to the therapists, Akira compartmentalizes remarkably well, Juuzou," Shinohara frowned. "Juuzou wasn't really affected by what he saw because he's seen similar situations. Marude and Arima have their own way of coping. That leaves you, my friend."

"I know I'm not at my best but I'm trying." Amon insisted. "Marude already spoke to me about it last week. I'll improve my behavior and act more professional-"

"Amon," Shinohara interrupted. "This isn't about how professional you are; this is about your well-being. I'm not sure why Kaneki Ken is so important to you but burning yourself out is not going to help."

"What do you suggest then? Because I can't sleep, Shinohara. I see his face and I hear his screams and I can't help him." Amon admitted in a whisper.

"You won't talk to a counselor, will you?" Shinohara asked, already knowing the answer. "Finish up the day here and I'll make sure you get a leave of absence with pay for the next month. There's only two days left of this week, I'll cover for you so you don't have to use any sick days."

"What?" Amon asked dumbly. "Shinohara, I can't do that. There's so much to do! I have Akira to mentor and-"

"And you need a break." Shinohara interrupted sternly. "There's nothing urgent that needs to be done and Akira can stick with me until you come back. Please, Amon. The only time you take off work is when you're injured. You need this."

"I- fine. I understand." Amon said numbly as panic whirled around his mind. What was he supposed to do if he couldn't bury himself in his work? Kaneki was already haunting his nights, how could Amon handle the day if he had nothing to distract him from his thoughts?

Amon was in a daze for the rest of the day. He didn't want the work day to end now that Shinohara had talked him into taking some time off. Yet, it felt like Amon had blinked and the day was over. He tried to stay after to work on some things but one look from Shinohara had him heading towards the door.

The next month was going to be unpleasant, he already knew it.

Amon spent the first few days holed up in his apartment. He tried to keep himself busy by doing small tasks. He deep cleaned his apartment, cleaned out his fridge and even watched some sitcom on his television. When that couldn't keep his attention, he re-read _The Setting Sun_.

He hadn't meant to fall asleep on the couch.

* * *

( _"But the people I want to believe in were born for love and revolution." A voice sang out._

 _Amon's on a sidewalk by the river. There's someone in the water. Face down, bloody, and missing an arm._

 _White hair and an investigator's coat._

 _"The people I believe in. . ." It's a boy in a mask talking. He's kneeling in the water, caressing the white hair. "Are the people you believe in the same, Amon?" He asks, his only eye black and red._

 _"Yes." Amon replies before frowning. "No. Maybe? I'm not sure anymore."_

 _The boy nodded as he stood up._

 _"It's hard to tell, I've learned. People wear so many masks, you never know until the very end, huh?" He walked toward Amon, uncaring of the fact that his fingers and toes were falling off._

 _"The world is 'wrong.'" The boy says, standing in front of Amon. "I want to make it better, don't you?" He asks, tilting his head._

 _"Yes." Amon breathes out. "But I don't know how."_

 _"Oh, I figured that out." The boy smiles and there's a body on the sidewalk. It's a bulky, shaking wreck with syringes sticking out of its gouged back. It flails around like an insect._

 _"You become strong and eat the weak." The boy tells him and Amon hears a scream pierce the air. Then, he's strapped to a table, stomach sliced open, looking up into the eyes of Father Donato._

 _The Father blesses him. )_

* * *

Amon doesn't sleep for the next three days.

When he can no longer stand being in his apartment, Amon wanders around the shopping district near his home. Seeing all the happy people makes him smile and forget his own worries for a little bit. He takes to browsing the bookstores, skimming through books. He buys the ones that make him think of Kaneki. He goes to the little cafés that litter the street. Sometimes he just picks up a pastry, other times he stays for hours, sipping coffee and reading.

Every now and then, when he's walking through the crowded streets, he'll catch a glimpse of white out of the corner of his eye. He always turns towards it, heart thumping, hoping against hope it's Kaneki but it never is. It's everyone but: old women, old men, teenagers with dyed hair and the list goes on.

Slowly, his days trickle by and he falls asleep a little easier each night. The dreams are still there, still unpleasant, but they become shorter and shorter. Soon, they disappear altogether. By the time his month is up, Amon heads to back to work feeling more relaxed than he had in a long time.

Shinohara had been right; he just needed time and a break.

"Oh, you're back." Akira greeted him in a bored tone as he walked through the door. "I thought you quit."

"Akira," He greeted her warmly with a kind smile and she quirks an eyebrow at him. "How have things been while I was away?"

"Hmm, still no search warrant for Kanou's properties but they're getting closer or so I've heard." She told him. "We've been focusing on something else; it came up the day after you left and again just two days ago."

"What is it?" He asks as she hands him a file. Opening it, he sees several photographs of corpses.

Dressed up corpses wearing masks.

"Remember those rumored 'ghoul restaurants'?" Akira asked him with a cold smile. "Someone's been attacking them."

Oh, he remembers, Amon thinks as he brings one of the pictures closer to study it better.

And he has a pretty good idea who's behind the attacks.


	6. Chapter 6

_"First Class Investigator, Amon Koutarou. I, Mashuu Yoshitoki, Director of the Main Office, hereby appoint you as a Top-Class Investigator."_

The director's words wash over Amon as he does his best to keep a stoic façade. The lights shining in his eyes makes him want to squint and the heat from them makes his formal attire that much more uncomfortable. Still, he somehow managed to keep his composure as he bowed respectfully to the director before heading back to his seat. On the way, he vaguely hears people in the crowded auditorium whispering about him but his mind was occupied with thoughts far more important.

The Cochlea Breakout.

It had been hush-hush and covered up extremely well. Amon hadn't even heard about it until a few weeks ago. A group of ghouls from Aogiri had managed to free several prisoners from Cochlea while the CCG was raiding the 11th ward. It had been a little over six months since the raid. Amon had been expecting to hear something from Aogiri but there was nothing; no attacks, no threats, no sign of movement by them in any ward. Amon felt it was a strange move on Aogiri's part; they had been able to free several SS-ranked ghouls, so they had the power to go on the offense.

The silence was unsettling and it made their victory in the 11th ward hollow in Amon's eyes.

Mentally shaking himself from his thoughts, he watched as Juuzou was called to stage and promoted to a 2nd Class Investigator. Shinohara must have spoken with his protégé beforehand because, while he was still dressed oddly, Juuzou's demeanor was surprisingly calm. Amon was glad for Juuzou but he was also a little worried. 3rd Class Investigators usually weren't promoted to 2nd class until a year had passed but Juuzou had been promoted with far less than a year of experience. It was unnerving to know that someone with that sort of power was out there. Perhaps this is what Mado and Shinohara felt when they worked with Arima back in the day?

"Eheheh, I get a pay raise now, right?" Juuzou giggled as he sat down next to Amon, flashing the older man a smile and a victory sign.

"No. In lieu of a pay raise, you get a quinque." Amon replied seriously, withholding a smirk. It was a lie of course, but it was kind of funny to watch Juuzou pout. "I'm kidding, Juuzou. You'll receive a pay raise and a quinque, now be quiet. We need to pay respect to our fallen comrades." Amon chided as the director read off the names of those who had not made it out of the raid alive. Finally after what felt hours of being stuck in that uncomfortable chair, the director dismissed them.

Amon wanted to go home and sleep. He wanted to work on the ghoul restaurant massacres. He wanted to find out more about Kaneki Ken. He couldn't do any of these things because the CCG always held a banquet for newly promoted investigators and it would be remiss of him if he skipped out.

So here he stands, bored out of his mind as Juuzou gobbles up food. Amon hears the words 'Binge Eater' in the cacophony around him but before he can find the person speaking, Shinohara walks up to him.

"Amon. Juuzou." The older man calls out with a gentle smile on his face as the two return his greeting. "You've done well," He says as he turns to Amon, giving him a respectful bow. "Despite the fact that the grueling training from your teachers always brought you to tears, you have become a Top-Class Investigator. I'm deeply moved."

"Thank you for putting up with a novice like me." Amon replies, hiding his blush with a bow of his own. Praise always made him uncomfortable - Amon never really felt like he had done enough to deserve it.

"I was happy to put in a good word for you. You deserve it, Amon." Shinohara assured him. "Even Mado had nothing but good things to say about you. It was written in his testament." The older man told him with a sad smile.

Even after death, Mado was helping him out.

"I'll pay him a visit but not today. Tomorrow." Amon replied quietly. Akira would be at his grave today and Amon would not disturb her.

"Ah yes, before I forget, it's been decided that Akira will become a permanent addition to the 20th ward's squad. The test trial we've done to see if she would fit well here was a success. Akira's officially your subordinate now, Amon." Shinohara told him. Amon didn't get a chance to respond because Shinohara turned to Juuzou and struck up a conversation about the quinque the boy would receive.

Akira as his subordinate - what a frightening concept. Amon looked around desperately for some alcohol. She had been hard enough to work with when the 'trial run' had begun. Thankfully over the course of it, they had learned to work together. Still, while she had managed to get past most of her dislike towards him (or perhaps she simply hid it better, it was hard to tell) Amon knew he was the last person she wanted to be partnered with, let alone have as her superior.

And he couldn't blame her.

He had failed her father, who's to say he wouldn't fail her?

He's failed so many people.

His friends from the orphanage _(Ignorance. He had no idea the hell they were suffering until it was staring him in the eye; bloodless bodies with red all around them. Slacked faces screaming, 'You should have known.')_

Harima _(Cowardice. He never confessed to her; never let her know how he felt. Maybe she knew and that's why she left him the weapon that had failed to protect her- a perfect fit for a coward.)_

Mado _(Procrastination. Always late: late to meetings, late to training, late with paperwork. Always chided but never punished- until that last time when he was greeted with a cooling corpse and silence.)_

Kaneki _(Stubbornness. Wouldn't listen when the boy had pleaded, wouldn't budge on his beliefs for anyone. A Black and White world. There was no Gray until that boy showed up on tape, screaming out his humanity.)_

But those are sins he'll never commit again.

(As he lies in bed that night, he makes a silent promise to Akira that he'll do better by her.)

* * *

"Congratulations on your promotion, Amon!" Was the first thing Amon heard when he walked into the conference room the next day. "To be a Top-Class Investigator at 27. . .that's so like you!" Seidou gushed and Amon resisted the urge to scratch the back of his neck.

"Thank you, Seidou." Amon replied and gave a quiet sigh of relief as Juuzou spoke up, wanting to be congratulated as well. He was able to sit down without speaking to anyone else as they squabbled.

"Settle down you two." Shinohara called out to Seidou and Juuzou as he and Akira entered the room. Everyone quieted down and gathered around the table as Shinohara shuffled through some papers.

"Before anything else, I want you guys to welcome Akira on as a permanent member of our squad; she'll be working under Amon." Shinohara told them and Amon saw Seidou scowl as the others congratulated her. She accepted their thanks gracefully and, as his eyes met hers, Amon was surprised at the respectful nod she sent his way.

"Now onto to the debriefing," Shinohara started out, "Due to several situations, the Binge Eater case was temporarily assigned to another squad. It is now ours again. That team made a list of all the cases and incidents that could be related to the Binge Eater, who disappeared last year between September and November. Hopefully, we'll be able to find this ghoul but there is a lot of data and not a lot of time." Shinohara ended in a defeated sigh before turning to Seidou. "Tell us about the Gourmet case."

"Officially, we're in charge of that case." Seidou told them as he stood up, completely focused. "However, we have confirmation he's been active in the 7th, 8th and 18th wards. A ghoul restaurant was found in the 7th ward. It will be raided tomorrow. I'm not sure if it's relevant to the Gourmet case but. . ."

Amon stopped paying attention.

They had found a ghoul restaurant. Two others had been discovered but everyone inside had been dead for days. The CCG didn't know who was attacking them but Amon had his suspicions.

 _ **"I survived the Ghoul Restaurant."**_

Amon felt his heart thrum in anticipation.

Maybe, maybe he'll finally be able to meet Kaneki again. Then he frowned as another thought occurred to him; he would need a legitimate reason to visit the 7th ward. Try as he might, he couldn't think one up. Letting it go for the moment, he half-heartedly listened as Akira explained why the Gourmet was likely hiding in the 6th ward. He couldn't help but admire her intelligence. Later in the day, his admiration for her intellect rose even more when she gave him a reason to visit the ghoul restaurant.

"We need to focus on the Rabbit case." She told him as they were going through their paperwork. "This restaurant seems like a good place to check for information. Of course, we'll have to wait until the other team is done."

He was so elated he didn't lecture her about making decisions despite being his underling.

That elation deflated the next day when he entered the restaurant.

There had been no raid. There was no need for one.

Kaneki had beaten them to it again, leaving broken, breathless monsters in his wake. At least Amon had been able to confirm that it was Kaneki thanks to the marks left by his kagune. They were exact replicas of the one's he saw in that checkered room.

"It's just a hunch but I feel like the Gourmet was involved in this." Akira said as she knelt down to get a better look at one of the bodies. "Maybe some conspirators helped him slaughter everyone?"

"No," Amon told her. "Gourmet didn't do this, look at the marks on the corpses and the walls. You've seen them before."

He waited patiently as she studied the room and the bodies again, her eyes going over every little detail, missing nothing as they sought to see what Amon saw. He withheld a smile when her eyes widened in realization and she let out a quiet, "Oh."

"Others were probably involved; Gourmet may have been as well, but he wasn't the one doing the killing." Amon stated in a quiet, brisk tone.

"He split that quinque in half." Akira replied softly. Amon's eyes strayed toward the weapon. "We know he's powerful; if it is him, he probably killed everyone by himself."

"He wasn't meant to be a killer." Amon whispered, unaware he was speaking his thoughts out loud.

"He mentioned it in one of the videos, didn't he? Surviving one of these places. I don't know what they did to him but for him to go this far, it must have been horrific." Then, Akira gave Amon a grim smile. "He's a good ally. There are at least 60 bodies here. Combine that with his last two hits and the body count is around 200."

Amon stayed silent.

"In any case, we need to focus on hunting down Rabbit." Akira says, switching subjects. "I don't think we'll find anything else here."

As they left the building, Amon didn't have the heart to tell her that Kaneki was connected to Rabbit. She deserved to know but Amon couldn't bring himself to break the small amount of trust she had for Kaneki. He wanted to capture Rabbit, wanted to see them brought to justice for killing Mado-

(then he remembers the ghoul- no, _the mother_ , Mado killed so viciously and without remorse.)

-but his resolve wavers and he wonders which side Justice will favor when both sides have monsters playing for them.

They drive back to the 20th ward in silence and they part in silence.

Monsters. It feels like he's betraying his mentor by labeling him so but Amon had to admit- if only to himself- that Mado had been cruel. Even before the death of his wife, Mado had treated ghouls horrendously- her death just increased his hatred towards ghouls beyond anything Amon had ever seen.

He had respected that hatred once.

But even though Mado was cruel to ghouls, he wasn't so in all aspects of his life. He did his best to help his comrades and subordinates; he never abandoned them. Kindness wasn't a word normally associated with the man but he was kind in his own odd way.

Which is more than Amon can say for the man whose cell he found himself standing in front of the next morning with Akira at his side.

"Long time no see, Koutarou." The elderly man greeted him from his prison of glass and steel. "You don't ever come see your father or keep in contact. You'll forget my face if you don't visit more."

Amon didn't want to be here. He didn't want to speak with the monster on the other side of the glass but the CCG needed more information on the Cochlea break out and Donato Porpora preferred to give his information to Amon.

Amon would prefer it if Donato Porpora was executed.

"I don't think of you as a father." Amon replied coldly. The old man sniggered and did his best to get under Amon's skin by mentioning his promotion and guessing that his mentor had died. Amon tensed at the guess and Donato noticed immediately.

"Ha haha ha! This child is easy to understand as ever!" The ghoul laughed to himself. Amon clenched his fist at the sound and did his best to stay professional. Glancing at Akira, he saw she appeared unaffected by the ghoul's words. Amon let Donato chortle and chuckle a little more before sending Akira away.

"Well, come on. Ask me as many questions as you'd like. I'll answer them to the best of my ability." Donato tells him as Amon pulls up a chair that had been propped along the wall.

And so the interrogation began.

"What kind of kagunes did Aogiri Tree use while fighting the guards?"

"I don't know."

"How did Aogiri Tree release the locks?"

"I don't know."

Amon gritted his teeth. Donato was playing with him.

"Did Aogiri-"

"I don't know." Donato cut him off.

"Please answer these questions seriously!" Amon snapped at him, unable to contain his annoyance.

"Then ask them seriously." Donato replied evenly. "I have no intentions of answering questions written down on a piece of scrap paper. You're only here because of orders, correct? Let me guess, Marude? He didn't seem very happy last time I saw him." Donato smiled at Amon. "Am I right?"

Amon looked away for a moment. Donato was right, Marude had ordered him to come down here because the higher ups were becoming impatient at their lack of progress.

"No." Was all he said.

"Liar!" Donato said, laughing. "I don't know anything about Aogiri. How could I? I've been stuck in this cell for years; I have no way of knowing anything outside it. I did hear some voices- screaming, mostly."

The air turned deadly as Donato shivered in delight.

"The guards were screaming in agony as they were killed. For the first time in a long time, I was excited. Can you imagine? Fresh meat right there. In a way, it was also hell to me. I prayed I could join in on that feast but it was not in God's plans for me." The old man ended, practically salivating as he clutched at his hair.

To think, this had been a man that Amon had once loved beyond measure. A man that had taken him in and sheltered him after his parents had died. He had taken Amon in and had taught him many things. He had taught Amon about faith and generosity, about love and forgiveness. He had taught Amon about misfortune and how to overcome adversity. He had taught Amon that there was still some good in this tragic world.

He had taught Amon that people could hide horrific intentions behind the loveliest of faces.

"I knew this was pointless. We're done here." Amon sighed as he stood up.

". . .did you keep it? The cross I gave you?" Donato asked and Amon's hand unconsciously grabbed at the necklace he wore daily without fail. "Do you have any love left for me as your father, Koutarou?" Donato asked.

"No." Amon tells him after a moment. "I wear this as a reminder, so I don't forget what you did. I feel nothing but hatred for you." He ended, glaring at the older man before turning to leave.

"Koutarou," Donato called out. "Instead of the white rabbit, pursue Alice." Amon turned to look at him.

"The destination is the same." Donato told him, still smiling.

Amon snorted.

"I already knew that." He snapped before leaving.

Akira was waiting for him outside and at her questioning look, he shook his head. She kept quiet, knowing he wasn't in the best of moods after the little chat he just had. It wasn't until they were driving back to the 20th ward that Akira spoke.

"Did he give you any information?"

"No," Amon told her, eyes focused on the road. "He didn't have anything useful to say. It was nothing but a waste of time."

Try as he might though, Amon couldn't get Donato's parting words out of his head. They followed him the rest of the day, piping up to the forefront of his thoughts just when he was about to forget them entirely. They didn't let up, even as night fell and he lied in bed.

 _Pursue Alice._

"I'm already doing that." He muttered tiredly to himself, tossing an arm over his eyes.

 _'You really did fall down the rabbit hole, didn't you, Kaneki?'_ Was one of his last thoughts before he drifted off to sleep.

 _'And I'm tumbling right after you.'_

* * *

A few days later, while submitting his report on his interview with Donato Porpora, life threw Amon a curve ball he never saw coming.

"Top-Class Investigator Amon." Akira called out in a bored tone but Amon saw a hint of amusement in her eyes; she knew he wasn't one for titles. "Marude wants to see us." She told him and then walked away.

"You don't have to call me that." Amon muttered as he caught up with her. "Did he say why?" He asked her.

"I was only told to knock when we arrive." She replied as they made their way to Marude's office. Hearing muffled voices on the other side, Amon straightened his posture and knocked. He wasn't sure why Marude called for them but he hoped it was for a good reason.

"Excuse us," Amon called out as he stepped inside. He raised an eyebrow when he saw Marude grinning manically at them. There was a young man with blond hair and a messenger bag standing in front of Marude's desk but Amon didn't have much time to study him before Marude began to address him and Akira.

"Heh, when you two stand side by side, the height difference is enough to make me laugh." He cackled and Amon barely stopped himself from rolling his eyes. Akira, on the other hand, wasn't one to let others laugh at her, no matter the reason.

"Special Class Marude's used motorcycle is pretty funny too. What happened to that high class one you had before?" Akira asked him, ignoring Amon's hiss to stay quiet.

"Oi! Shut up! My bike was a victim in the raid on the 11th ward." Marude snapped, his grin becoming a scowl. "If that damn psycho hadn't stolen her-" Ignoring his rants about his poor bike, Akira's eyes wandered until they landed on the boy.

"Nagachika? What are you doing here?" Akira asked in surprise, bringing everyone's attention to the boy. After staring at him for a moment and hearing his name, Amon realized this was one of their part time staff assistants. He had seen him in the hallways quite a few times with a cheerful smile on his face. He had never been assigned to Amon but Amon had heard about Nagachika from Seidou. He had seen them eating together in the cafeteria a few times.

"What's going on?" Amon asked Marude.

"Amon, Akira, I want you to take this guy with you." Marude ordered.

"What?" Amon asked incredulously.

"He's no longer a staff assistant. Now, he's an investigator's assistant." Marude told him.

An awkward silence fell over the office.

"I don't really understand. . ." Amon trailed off weakly.

"Use him in your investigation. Hurry up! Go! I have things to do!" Marude said and Amon wanted to ask if this was a prank. Judging by how annoyed Marude was beginning to look, Amon decided the man was serious. Giving the man a brief bow, Amon walked toward the door and motioned for Akira and Nagachika to follow.

"Well, I don't really understand what just happened but let's work well together." Amon said as they walked.

"Sure! I don't really understand what happened either." Nagachicka admitted with a sheepish grin.

"Despite Marude's appearance, there are times when he can be sharp. He wouldn't have assigned you to us if you were useless." Akira said. "Are you hungry, Nagachika?" She asked.

"A little, yeah!" Nagachika said, nodding as he adjusted the strap on his bag.

"Then how about having lunch with Amon?" She asked and Amon almost choked on his spit.

"Sure! I know a great Chinese place!" Nagachika replied, looking at Amon with a big grin.

"Perfect. Top-Class Investigator Amon will treat you." Akira told him.

"What about you, Akira?" Amon asked when he realized she hadn't included herself in this lunch.

"I already know Nagachika. You do not. Besides, I need to stop by the Research Department; they want me test one of the quinques. I'll see you two later." Akira told him, blunt as ever, and left without another word.

"Goodbye to you too." Amon muttered under his breath in annoyance before turning back to Nagachika. "Lead the way, Nagachika."

"No problem! The 20th ward is my home so I know it really well." The other told him as they began walking again. Amon couldn't help but smile at how enthusiastic the other was. It was a refreshing change of attitude after being around Akira for so long. As the boy led him down the twisting streets of the 20th ward and Amon took a moment to admire the view. The streets were clean, the buildings were painted in cheerful colors and flowers seemed to be blooming everywhere.

The 20th ward really was peaceful compared to some of the other wards.

"You grew up here?" Amon found himself asking.

"Yup! Moved here when I was a kid." Nagachika replied before stopping in front of a small building and opening the door. "Here we are. Their kung pao chicken is the best."

"I'll trust your word, Nagachika." Amon told him as he took a seat.

"You don't have to call me that; I know it's a mouthful." Nagachika laughed before frowning. "Oh, you don't know my full name, do you? It's Nagachika Hideyoshi, but I'd prefer it if you called me Hide. Anyway, it's nice to meet you!" He ended, holding out his hand.

"It's nice to meet you as well, Hide." Amon replied, shaking the boy's hand, wondering why that name sounded familiar. "I'm Amon Koutarou."

He let Hide chatter as they looked over the menu. He talked about mundane things like which investigators he liked, how cool the night life of the 20th ward was, and how much homework he had waiting for him at home.

"You go to school?" Amon asked, setting down his menu. Hide didn't seem like the type to pursue schooling after high school.

"Yeah. My folks were surprised when I told them I was going to apply to a university. They didn't think I'd get into my school of choice- I didn't either!" Hide admitted. "But with my best friend's help, I passed the exams. I'm in my second year now."

"Congratulations." Amon told him with a warm smile. "What university?"

"Kamii." Hide told him, holding up a victory sign. "The professors work us like slaves but I've learned a lot. I major in- is something wrong?" Hide asked him when he saw the look Amon was wearing; like the investigator had been punched in the stomach.

"No, it's nothing." Amon assured him and was saved from having to say anymore as the waitress came to take their order.

Kamii. The word echoed through Amon's head. Hide went to Kamii University, the same school Kaneki Ken had attended. Did they know each other? No, Amon decided. It was probably just a coincidence; tons of kids went to that university. Just because he knew both of them didn't mean they knew each other. The two probably never even had a class together.

"I don't really look like Kamii material, do I?" Hide asked and beamed at Amon as the man began to sputter. "It's ok! I get why people would think that; Kamii draws in the studious, quiet types and I'm a loud mouth. I really only went because my best friend was going."

"That's not a good reason to go to a school, Hide." Amon told him, trying to ignore the nagging feeling in the back of his head. The more he said Hide's name, the feeling that he had heard it before grew. The question is, where had he heard it?

"Well, maybe not, but I don't regret it. My friend is a giant nerd and I knew that if I let him go alone, he'd do two things: go to class and lock himself in his apartment." Hide huffed. "He's the biggest introvert I've ever met. If he had his way, he'd live in his room and read all day. That's a literature student for you, I guess."

"He sounds like your exact opposite." Amon said right as their food arrived.

"He is, but that's what's so great about him! We complement each other really well; I force him to interact with others and have _fun_. In return, he reins me in and keeps me focused. I know I talk a little too much for some people and he was really good at telling me when to stop - subtly of course. He's a really shy guy." Hide gave a sad sigh. "I wish he would come back. I'm really worried about him."

"What?" Amon asked around his mouthful of food.

"He stopped coming to class a few months ago. At first I thought it was because of an injury he got from an accident." Hide said as he poked at his own food. "I knew something was up when he wasn't answering his phone. I checked his apartment every night but he wasn't there. I went by his work but no one had seen him; he hadn't shown up for any of his shifts. I went to his teachers but they hadn't heard anything. No one knew where he was. Then or now. That's partly why I started working for the CCG." Hide confessed. "I was hoping you guys might know something since you deal with a lot of missing persons stuff. I'm 3 months in and still nothing. Well, I can't give up yet, can I?" Hide asked Amon.

"What's your friend's name?" Amon asked, setting down a trembling hand. An anxious feeling rose in his chest. It couldn't be, he told himself. It couldn't be, it couldn't be, _itcouldn'tbe_ -

"Kaneki Ken." Hide told him.

The memory crashed into Amon.

 _ **"My family was gone**. **I don't know what would have happened to me if it weren't for Hide."**_

Oh God.

 _ **"He really saved me."**_

He doesn't know. Hide doesn't know-

 _ **"I don't think I'll ever be able to repay him."**_

-what happened to Kaneki. He doesn't know-

 _ **"** **Well, maybe by staying away from him- it'll probably save his life."**_

-that Kaneki was suffering. He doesn't know-

 _ **"He would have followed me- would have offered himself up as sacrifice** **."**_

-that through all the hurt, Kaneki was thinking of him.

 _" **I would never wish him here- in my place, in my position- but I wish he was here to tell me it would be ok."**_

"Amon, are you alright? You've gone all pale and you're shaking." Hide whispered in a worried tone.

Should he tell him? Should he tell Hide what happened to his best friend? How he was experimented on against his will? How he was turned into a ghoul? Should he tell him how Kaneki was kidnapped and tortured? How, right now, his friend is out there killing ghouls? Does Hide deserve to know?

Yes, Amon decided, looking into brown eyes. Hide deserved to know what happened to his friend; he spent all this time trying to find Kaneki, going so far as to join the CCG. More than anyone, Hide deserved to know.

Amon just wished he had better news to give.

"I'm fine." Amon says hoarsely, coming to a decision. "Come with me." He tells Hide as he stood up abruptly, tossed some money onto the table and headed for the door.

"Whoa! What's the rush?" Hide asks as he hurried to catch up. Amon doesn't respond; his mouth is dry and his jaw is locked. The best he can do is keep his eyes focused ahead and his pace brisk. Hide pestered him a little more before going quiet.

Soon, they're back at the CCG and Amon leads Hide to one of the upper floors. Walking down the hall, he stops at the last door. Forcing down a gulp, Amon fished out his clearance card, scanned it, and opened the door when it beeped. He walked in and gestures for Hide to follow.

"I don't think I'm allowed in here." Amon vaguely hears Hide mutter. Amon ignores him and the blood pounding in his ears as he opens one of the cabinets, wondering if he's doing the right thing.

8 black tapes stare back at him.

They had mostly been forgotten about over the months thanks to the Cochlea break out among other things. Amon had never forgotten them and he's sure that neither had anyone who had viewed them. Time makes the memory fade but he would never forget what was on those tapes. He never wanted to see them again- he didn't want anyone to see them.

"VHS tapes?" Hide questioned as he peered into the cabinet. "Haven't seen those in a long time."

"He wouldn't want you to see these." Amon tells him.

"What?" Hide asked with a confused frown. "What are you talking about, Amon?"

"I met Kaneki Ken once." Amon admitted, staring at the floor. "I can't say I know him well but I know he wouldn't want you to see what's on these tapes- he would do anything to spare you from seeing what's on them. But I think you deserve to know."

"Know what?" Hide asked, eyes sharp and Amon knows the other has caught on.

"These tapes show what happened to Kaneki Ken. They are classified evidence and you don't have clearance but," Amon took a deep breath and closed his eyes, "But if you want to see, I won't stop you from borrowing them for a few days."

The room is silent except for Amon's labored breathing.

Prying his eyes open, Amon looks at Hide. The boy doesn't look scared or worried. He looks calm; deadly calm.

"Kaneki is on these tapes?" Hide asks and Amon nods.

"Yes but I must warn you, what happens to him - what he goes through, it's not pretty. Can you handle that?" Amon asks and Hide's expression goes from calm to angry.

"Why can't he ever catch a break?" Hide muttered under his breath before turning to look at him. "Can I have a moment alone to think it over?"

"Of course." Amon tells him and moves to wait outside.

10 minutes later, Hide comes out and closes the door behind him.

"Well Amon, it looks like Akira's idea for us to get to know each other was a good one!" Hide tells him with a smile, leaving Amon flabbergasted at the sudden change in demeanor. "I have class in an hour so I need to get going. I'll see you later, it was nice meeting you!" Hide ended, still smiling.

"You too." Amon said quietly.

Hide walked away, his bag looking a little heavier than before.

* * *

 **A/N: Some text was taken directly from the manga (chapters 80-84)**

 **Harima was an investigator that Amon loved. She died on a mission (whack-a-mole, I think).**


	7. Hide's Interlude: Text Message Overload

**Hide's Interlude: A Smattering of Text Messages**

 **x**

* * *

November 8th 12:17 PM

Messages **Kaneki (Bestie)** Details

x

Hide }. . . .Neekkkiiiiii. . . .let me borrow your Asian History notes? Plz, I can't fail another test!

.

 _ **Kaneki** _ } _Hide, you've never failed a test._

 _._

Hide } Ha-hah! True, true but I don't want to start y'know?

C'mon, don't hoard all that historical knowledge to yourself.

Share with me! You owe me anyway! Leaving me all alone in that class a few weeks ago.

I had to talk to people! ( ≧Д≦)

.

 **Kaneki** } _YOU LIKE TALKING TO PEOPLE!_

 _._

Hide } NOT ABOUT ASIAN HISTORY I DON'T! (｀^´)

.

 **Kaneki** } _Ugh, fine. I do owe you. I don't work tonight so you can come over whenever._

 _._

Hide } (*•̀ᴗ•́*)و ̑̑ ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و YASSS ٩(｡•ω•｡)و (ง ͠ ͠° ل͜ °)ง

.

 **Kaneki** } _Hide. Stop with the emoticons. I get it._

 _._

Hide } (ง ͡ʘ͜ʖ͡ʘ)ง never. Fight me 'Neki. (و˃̵ᴗ˂̵)و

* * *

December 20th 9:00 AM

Messages **Kaneki (Bestie)** Details

x

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KANEKKIII! I know you haven't been going to class for like, the last week, but don't worry! I told the teachers you were sick. I've got all your make-up work. I know you hate falling behind so stop by my place and we can work on it together. Also, I got you a super awesome gift! You're gonna love it!

* * *

December 28th 5:10 PM

Messages **Kaneki (Bestie)** Details

x

Kaneki are you ok dude? I haven't seen you in a while. I stopped by your work and Touka-chan says you've been a no call no show and that the manager let you go. I'm not calling Touka-chan a liar but that's not like you. What's going on? You haven't been home. I used your spare so I know you haven't been there. Call me, man.

* * *

February 9th 12:50 PM

Messages **Kaneki (Bestie)** Details

x

School is so boring without you Kaneki! Come back! Rabbits die of loneliness! (/(°∞°)\\)

* * *

March 15th 7:06 PM

Messages **Kaneki (Bestie)** Details

x

Neh, neh, I did the thing you said I'd never do! I GOT A NEW JOB. Can you believe that? My old one was bleh. XD Wanna know where? Too bad! It's a secret~ I'll only tell you when you text me back! I won't budge, Kaneki!

.

 **8:19 PM**

Ok, I'll cave. I'm a paper pusher at some big company. Not really all that exciting but I get free food from the cafeteria!

* * *

June 10th 1:32 PM

Messages **Kaneki (Bestie)** Details

x

I think I gotta a promo today! Not really sure tbh. The people I'm working with seemed equally confused, lol. I'm going to lunch with one of them now! His name is, uh Amon? I think. Idk. We're going to Chi-Chi's cuz their kung pao's- well, y'know. I thought about Big Girl but I couldn't. That's our place!

 **.**

 **1:57 PM**

His name is Amon. Super serious looking dude and soooooo tall! He's glaring at the menu like it took his family hostage! I hope he's not mean.

ヾ( •́д•̀ ;)ﾉ

 **.**

 **2:03 PM**

He's nice! Yay! （＾ｖ＾）

 **.**

 **2:24 PM**

I take that back. Something weird just happened. I mentioned your name and he just. . .froze. Then he freaked out and ran out of the store telling me to follow. Wth? Do you know him? At least he remembered to pay.

 **.**

 **2:35 PM**

Ok. . . I have no idea what's going on. I'm scared. If you see on the news that my body was found in a dumpster or something, the killer was a guy named AMON KOUTARO. You got that 'Neki? Avenge me.

 **.**

 **2:42 PM**

He's brought me to a deserted hallway. I've seen enough movies to know where this is going. You always did say I'd be the first to die in a movie. Did he not like the food?

 **.**

 **3:00 PM**

Kaneki. What have you been doing? Amon told me some things and it doesn't sound good. He gave me some VHS tapes to watch. He said you're on them. No titles or anything. Do you think they're cursed? Jk, jk, sorry. I'm just really nervous. He said I don't have to watch them but I need to know. I need to know you're ok.

 **.**

 **3:10 PM**

I have snuck the tapes out through my messenger bag. So glad they didn't have trackers on them or I wouldn't have been able to get out the door. Hurray for outdated technology!

 **.**

 **3:36 PM**

I don't have a VCR. Where do I get a VCR. Kaneki, who sells VCRs?

 **.**

 **4:50 PM**

I have never been so happy that some of our professors are old and have clung to their generation's tech. I owe my Criminal Justice Prof a favor now but whatever. I can live with that.

 **.**

 **5:04 PM**

I have it all set up. I'm going to pop in the first tape. I'm nervous and a kinda worried. If you're reading this and don't want me to see, CALL ME. I'll give you 10 mins.

 **.**

 **5:14 PM**

I'm pressing play.

 **.**

 **6:29 PM**

Answer your phone.

 **.**

 **6:32 PM**

ANSWER YOUR PHONE

.

 **6:33 PM**

Please answer your phone Kaneki. I need to hear your voice.

.

 **6:43 PM**

I'm watching all of these tonight. I need to make sure you made it out ok.

* * *

June 11th 8:52 AM

Messages **Kaneki (Bestie)** Details

x

I know. I've known since Nishiki attacked us. I was awake that night and heard your manager. I know you were trying to protect me and I was trying to do the same for you. I knew you couldn't eat anymore. This job I have? It's at the CCG. I was trying to find you and I thought this would be the perfect place to start. Kinda regretting that. Not finding you! Just . . .didn't want to see you being hurt like that.

.

 **9:05 AM**

That guy . . . the one who as hurting you. I was tracking him. I knew he was a ghoul and he looked evil so I played tag-along. I know you hate it when I do that but something in my gut said this guy was dangerous. I wish I had reported him to the CCG earlier. I'm so sorry.

.

 **9:14 AM**

Hey have you seen the wanted poster they have for you? It's the only poster I've seen that says 'do not kill.' I have a hunch they know you're not a full ghoul. I think they want to help you Kaneki. I know Amon does. I'll look into it but I don't think it's a trap.

.

 **9:20 AM**

You know you're not a monster, right? I know how you think. I'll say it for you. You, Kaneki Ken, are not a monster. Please don't avoid me in some effort to 'protect' me. Don't do that to yourself. Don't do that to me.

.

 **9:34 AM**

I'm not going to class today. I don't feel well.

.

 **9:40 AM**

Hey Kaneki? I would have done it. I would have taken your place. Please call me.

* * *

.

.

.

In the 6th ward, a shaking, pale hand hovers over the call button on his phone.

* * *

 **A/N: Urg. Not particularly happy with how this formatted (it looks much better on A03) but this is the best I can do. Let me put more than one space between lines ff!**

 **Text abbreviations (I know most people know these, but a lot of people whose 2nd language is English use fanfics to practice reading.)**

 **jk- just kidding**

 **tbh- to be honest**

 **lol- laugh out loud**

 **plz- please**


	8. Chapter 8

If there was one thing Amon learned about Hide over the next few weeks, it was that the boy was a lot sharper than he looked. His bright personality put people at ease and he was so loud that many assumed he was a, 'look at the big picture' sort of guy. Amon knew better. Going over the Rabbit case, Hide picked up every little detail- even if he didn't mention them. He saw things that others missed. It was a little disturbing how good he was at finding subtle clues and Amon realized this was why Marude made him their assistant. Not only that, but his ability to absorb information was amazing.

". . . I dont't think the Rabbit attacking in the 7th ward the same Rabbit as before." Amon tuned back into the conversation. "Actually. . ."

"Nagachika," Akira called out and there was a chill in her voice. Rabbit had been causing a lot of trouble lately. They had killed two investigators in the 7th ward a few days ago and it put Akira on edge.

"For some time now, I've noticed you're very interested in ghouls." Her accusation made Amon tense but Hide just smiled.

"Well, this case has been in the news a lot lately. I can't help but be curious." Hide told her.

"Is that so. . ." She trailed off, her eyes narrowed in suspicion. Before she could question him further, Shinohara and Juuzou stepped into the office.

"Sorry to interrupt," Shinohara said as he sat down at the table. "But I think I found something connected to the Binge Eater case."

"Really?" Amon asked, excited at the news. The Binge Eater case had been a pain since it was dropped into their lap. "What did you find?"

"I'll tell you when everyone gets here." Right as Shinohara finished speaking, a nervous Seidou came through the door followed by Marude and – Amon raised an eyebrow in surprise- Arima.

"Who's the guy with the white hair?" Hide whispered to Amon.

"That's Special Class Investigator Arima Kishou." Amon muttered back, surprised Hide didn't know. "He's well respected, so be polite. I'm not sure why he's here though; he's not on the Rabbit or Binge Eater case."

"Thank you all for coming." Shinohara said and Amon grew quiet. "I have something I'd like you all to hear regarding the Binge Eater case. I found a lead. I searched for any clues the Binge Eater might have left after the incident last October. However, I ran into something unsettling." Shinohara told them and Amon was surprised to see that the older investigator looked sad.

"That same October, in the same area that the Binge Eater used as their hunting grounds, there was an incident with falling I-beams. I'm sure you all remember who was involved in that."

Amon sucked in a breath as everything clicked into place.

"It's her, isn't it?" He heard himself saying. "The Binge Eater is the ghoul that Kaneki Ken went on a date with."

"I can't say for certain but I believe so." Shinohara replied.

"It fits." Akira said. "The Binge Eater's attacks stopped after that accident and Kaneki Ken had a kagune transplanted into him."

"Do you think she's the same ghoul that was helping Kanou?" Seidou asked. "Rize, I think it was."

"The ghoul who attacked Kaneki Ken was crushed by I-beams. How is that 'helping' Kanou? That ghoul died. Rize is a different ghoul. Has to be." Marude muttered.

"Unless we're misconstruing Yamori's words." Amon said, causing everyone to look at him.

"Explain." Marude demanded, expression grim.

"In the videos, we assumed Rize was willingly helping Kanou but what if she wasn't? What if he was forcing her to help him? Kanou knew a lot of ghouls; it wouldn't be out of the realm of possibility that some ambushed her for him."

"But Yamori mentioned she was still helping him. It wouldn't make sense for him to say that if Rize was dead." Seidou pointed out. "Marude's right, Rize has to be a different ghoul. I don't think even a ghoul could survive being crushed by steal beams."

"No, Amon is correct." Arima's cool voice floated above the rest. "The Binge Eater and Rize are one in the same. Under normal circumstances, a ghoul would have died being crushed like that. However, the videos mentioned that Rize had advanced regenerative abilities; abilities we saw Kaneki Ken demonstrate in his fight against Yamori. It should also be noted that there is no hospital record showing what happened to the girl's body." The statement had everyone muttering. If Rize's ability was on par or better than Kaneki's, then she might have survived.

"Fine, unless proven otherwise, we'll say the Binge Eater and Rize are one in the same." Marude declared.

"So let's go pay Kanou a visit. We can find her whereabouts from him." Amon said already moving out of his chair. "He might not tell us right away but maybe sitting in a cell for over 6 months has loosened his tongue."

"Sit down, Amon." Marude groaned from his chair. "There's no point in going to the police."

"What are you talking about, Marude?" Amon asked, not really paying attention. Getting answers from Kanou was in the forefront of his mind. "I'm not going to torture the man if that's what you're worried about."

"No, the problem is he won't be there." Marude said, making Amon freeze.

"What?!" Amon exploded, whirling around to look at the older man. A quick glance at the others told him this was news to them as well.

"I figured out why it was taking so damn long on that search warrant. The hospital paid for Kanou's bail while his lawyer sweet talked the police into thinking it was all a big misunderstanding." Marude explained.

"Kanou wasn't given bail." Amon snapped.

"At the beginning he wasn't, but so many people kicked up a fuss that he was granted one. And before you say that's impossible, let me ask you something; can you say, 'bribery'?" Marude asked sardonically. "So you might as well sit back down because Kanou hasn't been in that cell for months."

"Months?" Amon barely – _barely_ \- stopped himself from bellowing the word out. "How long have you been aware of this, Marude?"

"About two weeks. I was wondering why it felt like I was pulling teeth every time I tried to get an update on Kanou. That particular police department was reported to their main branch and is now being gutted; everyone's getting replaced."

"Good." Amon muttered and saw Seidou nod in agreement. "So where's Kanou now?"

"He did a disappearing act." Marude admitted. "The hospital says he's taken leave for stress but we all know that's not true. But something good did come out of this mess."

"What?" Seidou asked and Marude gave a shark-like grin while waving a manila folder in the air.

"I finally got that damn search warrant. Planning starts this week and next week we raid every property listed under Kanou's name."

Several whoops of joy were let out at the news. Amon felt his mood lift a little; they'd finally have physical evidence of Kanou's crimes.

"Um. . ." A hesitant voice was heard and everyone looked at Hide.

"I'm a little lost here." He admitted with a sheepish grin. Nervous glances were shot around the room as people remembered that Hide shouldn't know about this classified information. Amon took action before anyone could say anything.

"Marude, after working with Nagachika, I feel he's a trustworthy individual. With your permission, I'd like to fill him in." Amon asked with a respectful bow.

"Che, fine. He's already heard too much anyway." Marude granted but Amon saw the silent warning to explain only what was needed to Hide. "Well, that was my news. Anything else that needs to be put on the table?"

A few more things were discussed before they were dismissed. Amon grabbed Hide by the arm before the kid became engrossed in talking with Seidou.

"Come on, Nagachika. We're going to lunch." Amon said, ignoring Hide's surprised yelp as he dragged him away.

"Ack! Ok! Ok! No need to pull, Amon-san! And it's Hide, not Nagachika!" Hide complained. They continued down the hall, playfully bickering and only dropped the act when they were outside the front gate.

"Chi-Chi's?" Amon asked.

"Sure." Hide nodded.

They walked in silence for a while before Amon spoke up again.

"You didn't mention you knew him."

"I didn't." Hide agreed.

"Why?"

"Hmm, it would have just made a bigger mess if I had." Hide answered after a moment of thinking. "Besides, it's irrelevant. I would have been grilled for answers and you guys wouldn't have learned anything new. I don't know anymore than you guys." Hide ended right as they reached the restaurant's doors. The same waitress as last time greeted them and led them to a table.

"So, are you going to explain what's going on?" Hide asked after the waitress took their orders. Amon blinked at the question.

"You already know."

"I don't." Hide responded and Amon was surprised to hear anger in his voice. "The only thing I know is that the CCG has my best friend being tortured on tape."

Ah, Amon winced when he realized Hide was right. He had given Hide the tapes at the beginning of the month but he hadn't really explained, had he? He had spent the next few days wondering if he had made the right decision in giving Hide the tapes. The boy would be haunted by what was on them; seasoned investigators had a hard time looking at them. But Hide had surprised him. He had come into work three days after being given the tapes and had cheerfully handed Amon a brown paper bag, all the while exclaiming how happy he was to let Amon borrow some of his detective novels. There were 8 books in the bag; all hollowed out and snugly holding a tape. Amon had thanked him and discretely put the tapes back in their proper place.

They hadn't talked about it; there had been no time with the Rabbit case in full swing. Amon had wondered if Hide had watched the tapes at all because it didn't look like he had lost any sleep. He looked as he always did. Hearing Hide say he watched his best friend be tortured made it clear he was angry - he was just very good about hiding that fact.

"A few months ago, there was a raid on the 11th ward. . ." Amon started out and explained everything. He talked about finding the tapes and viewing them. He talked about Kanou and his arrest. He talked about how Kaneki's suffering affected everyone and the idea for wanted poster. He told Hide how they were afraid Kaneki would become a kakuja and what that entailed.

"Right now he's been attacking ghoul restaurants but both Akira and I are keeping his name out of the reports." Amon ended. Hide stayed silent, poking at his food. Amon focused on his own meal but a thought occurred to him and he couldn't stop himself from saying it.

"Do you still consider Kaneki your friend?" He blurted out.

"What?" Hide asked, dropping his chopsticks.

"I mean, he's a half-ghoul now and-"

"I don't care about that." Hide cut in. "Human, ghoul, half-ghoul, giant chicken – it doesn't matter what he turns into, Kaneki will always be my friend." Amon sighed in relief at the answer and choked on his food a little when Hide asked a shocking question of his own.

"Do you guys really want to help him or is it a trick?"

"Of course we want to help him." Amon sputtered, reaching for his water. "Why would you think otherwise?"

"Let me ask you something. Amon, what's in your suitcase?" Hide questioned, pointing at the suitcase that held Amon's quinque.

"My weapon. You know that." Amon answered and wrinkled his eyebrows in confusion when Hide shook his head.

"That's not a weapon; it's a body part. Or what's left of one at least. Tell me, if Kaneki gives himself up- if he comes to the CCG like you guys want, is he going to end up like that? Is my friend going to be locked in a case and taken out when it's convenient?" Hide asked, never breaking eye contact with Amon.

"What?! No, of course not! He's different-"

"Why?" Hide cut in. "Why is he different from other ghouls? Because he's still considered somewhat human? Is it because you feel bad for him? Or is it because he's so powerful, the CCG wants to study him and recreate him in others?"

"I. . ." For this, Amon had no answer but he had to give the other _something_. "I'm not sure why you think that but I promise you, Hide, we want to help him."

"No," Hide corrected him. " _You_ want to help him. Shinohara wants to help him. Takizawa wants to help him. Akira and Marude think he's an ally. I know that. What I don't know is why the CCG wants him."

"I don't understand." Amon admitted. "We want to help him. I thought you wanted to help him too."

"Oh, I do!" Hide exclaimed. "After seeing those tapes, I was scared out of my mind for him. I still am," He admitted with a sigh. "In the beginning, I was all for getting Kaneki to the CCG as quick as possible but I've had some time to think it over and the more I thought about it, the more it didn't make sense." Hide said as he fiddled with a bottle of soy sauce.

"I mean, the CCG was created for the sole purpose of exterminating ghouls. Why would they make an exception for one ghoul, regardless of if he used to be human? Kaneki has a kagune and he can't eat food anymore, so why should he be treated differently? Because he understands humans? Unlikely." Hide snorted, pushing the soy sauce away. "The CCG is a business at the core. They make their money killing ghouls - helping one goes against their business model. They only keep ghouls alive if they're useful. So I asked myself, 'Why would Kaneki be useful to the CCG?'

And the answer's obvious, isn't it, Amon? Anyone who viewed those tapes could see it; Kaneki's a great fighter and he's not afraid to go against Aogiri. After being tortured like that, he's malleable and easy to mold. He could become the perfect little weapon if given to the right person; all they'd have to do is remind him enough times how bad ghouls are; how he had to save himself from Yamori. They'd have to make him recall what happened just enough to win him over without breaking him."

Hide looked at Amon.

"Don't you find that absolutely disgusting?"

"You're speculating." Amon replied, taking in a deep breath to try and keep calm. To imply that the organization that took him would do that to another person - well, it made him angry. "You have no proof that the higher ups intend to do that to Kaneki Ken."

"You're right," Hide chuckled bitterly. "I don't, I really don't, but I can't think of any other reason why they'd want him."

Sadly, Amon couldn't either. The CCG never looked kindly upon ghouls for any reason but he had been assured Kaneki would be treated humanely. He was about to mention that to Hide when the other spoke up again.

"Do you ever look at it from their point of view?" Amon was about to answer but Hide kept talking. "Do you ever stop and wonder what it would be like if the food you're eating tasted awful? If everything tasted awful? Not just awful but it made you puke. I remember Kaneki trying eat and barfing at Big Girl after his surgery. I didn't understand why he looked so horrified; I thought he was just embarrassed about barfing in public. I've been thinking about it a lot lately; about what I would do if the only thing I could eat was people. I'd like to think I wouldn't kill anyone. Maybe I'd break into morgues or something. Maybe I'd work for a ghoul who could pay me in food." Hide shrugged. "I'm really not sure what I'd do. What about you?"

"I've never thought about it." Amon admitted.

"And that's the problem, isn't it? If we never try and look at it from the other side, we'll always be fighting one another. How can we change anything if both sides think the other is filled with monsters?"

"Ghouls are monsters." Amon snapped as flashes of dead bodies flickered through his mind. "I've seen what they're capable of, what they revel in! Kaneki is different from any other ghoul I've encountered; he is the exception."

Hide looked at him calmly.

"Is he?" Is all he asked in return.

Amon wanted to say yes but the images of two mothers stopped him. Two mothers who didn't fight; two mothers who did everything they could to save their children. Two mothers: one who died at the hands of another ghoul and one who died by his mentor's weapon.

"No," Amon admitted hoarsely. "He's not."

Hide grinned at the answer.

"Ok, I get it now." He said happily. "I was confused about what he meant but I see it. You're a good guy, Amon." Hide told him as he dug around in his pocket.

"What are you talking about?" Amon asked, completely lost and perturbed by Hide's sudden attitude change.

"Hmm?" Hide said as he brought out his phone. "Kaneki said I could trust you but I wasn't sure. I think he's right, though."

"What?" Amon asked breathlessly as excitement gripped him. "You've talked to him? You know where he is?"

"Pff! I wish! You think I'd be here if I knew?" Hide asked. "I don't know where he's at but I have his number. He had renewed his service plan before he was attacked so his phone is still on. I've been texting him daily since he disappeared. After I watched the first tape, I spammed him like crazy. He didn't respond so I watched them all in one sitting. It was just my luck he called after I passed out from staying up all night. I wonder if he planned it that way. I'm glad he took pity on me and left a message." Hide said, holding the phone out to Amon. Amon stared at it as if he had never seen such a thing in his life.

"Well?" Hide asked, "Aren't you going to listen to what he has to say?"

Reverently, Amon took the phone from Hide's hand. Pressing play, he held it to his ear, letting Kaneki's gentle voice filter into the air.

 _Hey, Hide. I'm sorry I haven't spoken to you lately. I've. . .I've been a coward. Again. Sorry. I'm actually relieved this went to voicemail. If I had talked to you, I know you'd get everything out of me and tell me all the stuff I'm doing right now is reckless. Enough about me. I want to talk about you._

Kaneki let out a happy laugh and Amon's heart jumped at the sound.

 _Congratulations on the new job! I hope the CCG is treating you well. I know the man you told me about in your text messages. I met Amon once and I thought he was very kind. I'm not sure why I thought that but I did. He was very passionate about his job! If he's anything like when I met him, you'll be in good hands; he listens when people talk to him. He understands change._

Kaneki's tone changed, becoming fragile and uncertain.

 _So, um, you saw the tapes. I wish you hadn't. I know you gave me a chance to stop you and I was going to. I was going to call you but I froze. I didn't know what to say and I was afraid I'd start crying the moment I heard your voice. I should have called but I was ashamed of what happened. I still am. I'm sorry I made you miss class the next day because of the tapes. I wasn't thinking when I left that room. If I had thought there was any chance of you seeing them, I would have destroyed them. I'm not sure why I didn't - there's nothing good on them. What was I thinking? Sorry, Hide. Just forget what you saw as best as you can, ok?'_

His voice then changed to a teasing tone Amon didn't know he was capable of.

 _You mentioned my wanted poster. Heh, can you believe that? A wanted poster of me! If someone had told us a year and a half ago that I'd become a wanted ghoul, we both would've have laughed! You would have snorted that the only thing a bookworm like me would be wanted for is for stealing books._

The playfulness in his voice left and he became serious again.

 _You said the CCG wants to help me. If I had heard that before my time with Yamori, I would have accepted it and gone in right away. But things are different now. I'm different now. Before, I trusted people and ghouls even when I shouldn't have. I trusted them when I should have been questioning them and that's a mistake I've made too many times. I'm learning everyone has motives, Hide. Wise is the man who is cautious among his acquaintances. I trust you, Hide, but I don't trust the CCG. I've seen what they do to ghouls; I even understand why. I know how terrible ghouls can be but I cannot agree with the CCG's actions._

Another change in tone. This time it sounded almost physically painful for Kaneki to talk.

 _I've seen an investigator decapitate a ghoul who wasn't a threat. She didn't hunt people; she got her food from suicide victims. Did the CCG let her explain? No, and even if they had, they still would have killed her. Judging an entire race based on the actions of the heartless few . . . will I also be executed if I walk through the CCG's doors with my hands up?_

No, Amon wanted to say. You won't be executed, Kaneki. I would never let them do that.

 _How is killing a defenseless ghoul in broad daylight any better than what Yamori did to me?_

There was a shuddering breath and then, resolve.

 _I won't be joining the CCG anytime soon. I'm not hurt and I don't need protection. I have something I need to do. I need to find the truth, Hide. I need to find out why this happened to me. I won't lie to you, it's going to be dangerous so, please, don't come after me. I'm making enemies and if they got their hands on you . . .the less said the better. You're my best friend, Hide. The CCG is the safest place for you. I'm really glad you got a job there._

 _This world is wrong. I want to fix it. I want to fix it so badly, Hide. I want ghouls and humans to co-exist peacefully. How, I'm not sure. But I need to fix myself first before worrying about the world. This is probably the last you'll hear from me for a while. I'll look at any texts you send but I won't answer back. Please understand and don't worry about me anymore._

 _I'm strong now, Hide._

 _Oh, before I forget, I sent you some money. Don't try and send it back because there's no return address. It's not a lot but there's enough for two to eat at Big Girl. Will you take Amon there for me? It's our place, Hide, I know, but I can't eat those lovely burgers anymore. I don't mind sharing our paradise with someone else. Amon will understand._

 _Be safe, ok Hide?_

The voicemail ended.

"Do you understand now?" Hide asked after Amon put the phone down. "He won't come to you and, after what he told me, why would he? He has no reason to trust the CCG, Amon." But Amon wasn't paying attention to that.

". . .he, he wants you to take me to Big Girl?" Amon asked dumbly, still looking at the phone.

"Yeah. The idiot even sent money." Hide reminded him with a sad laugh. "I get what he's going for. He's trying to win you over while, at the same time, making sure I have a new friend in case he dies on this mission of his. I'm sorry, Amon, but I won't go to Big Girl with you. That place is ours- mine and Kaneki's. Maybe when this is all over, the three of us can go together and Kaneki can drink coffee but I won't go without him."

"He doesn't have to win me over. I've been on his side since the first tape." Amon whispered as Hide stood up and pocketed his phone.

"Kaneki doesn't know that." Hide said with a shrug. "Come on, we should head back."

The rest of the day was spent silently working on paperwork with Akira. Amon tried his best to answer any questions the two had but his head was in the clouds. He wanted to ask for Kaneki's number but knew Hide wouldn't give it to him. Kaneki wouldn't answer any calls or messages so it was a moot point. Finally, he couldn't take it anymore and said they could leave early if they wanted. Hide let out a whoop, while Akira gave a quiet goodbye and left Amon with a chattering Hide.

"Man, classes suck without Kaneki there to keep me company but I'll survive." Hide groaned as he popped his back before continuing on in a softer voice. "Think about what he said, ok? I'll see you tomorrow."

"What was his favorite?" Amon blurted out before Hide could leave and flushed when Hide looked back at him.

"What?" Hide asked, scratching his head.

"His favorite meal at Big Girl," Amon elaborated. "What was it?"

Hide grinned at him. "His favorite was the Big Burger combo with a coke."

Big Girl, Amon discovered later that night, was just like any other fast food joint in Tokyo. There wasn't anything in its appearance that made it special. It was clean, the staff was friendly and the food smelled good. As he ordered his Big Burger combo to go, he took a better look around as he waited. When Kaneki and Hide came here, did they have a special spot? Did they always sit in the two chairs by the window? Or did they not care? Did they come every week or just to celebrate special occasions? Did they have a favorite waitress? Did the staff know them on sight?

"Here you are, sir!" The cheerful cashier called, jerking Amon out of his thoughts. Grabbing the bag and drink, he gave a short, 'thanks', and headed home.

Sitting in his kitchen, he looked at the burger on his plate. Such a simple thing that thousands of people ordered every day. It wasn't special, it was just a burger. It was Kaneki Ken's favorite burger. Amon took a bite and closed his eyes to enjoy the flavor.

It tasted like paradise.

* * *

 **A/N: Just a few small things to clear up in regards to pairings. Officially, there are none. This story isn't going to end with Amon and Kaneki (or anyone else for that matter) kissing. HOWEVER, if you're reading this thinking, 'Dang Amon, in love much?' then by all means, ship away. Ship until your little hearts burst from the pure fluffy love the pairing! This goes for any pairing! Hidekane, Arima x Kaneki, whoever x whoever- you have a thumbs up from me!**

 **This whole fic started with the speculation of how the story would go if the CCG saw Kaneki being tortured, so I'm trying to keep it as canonical as possible. But I'll be the first to admit that if the creator, Ishida Sui, had chosen this route, he'd probably gone in the complete opposite direction that I went and, through his mysterious mangka powers, have it make perfect sense.**

 **Soul Reaper: I'm not mad about your review at all! Actually, I went on youtube to watch the scene you mentioned. Admittedly, I've only scene a few episodes of the anime. Amon mentioning Kaneki's kagune being beautiful was more a homage to Kimi seeing Touka's kagune during the Church arc.**

 **Lol, that probably is how Amon would flirt though; through pure bluntness.**

 ***In the middle of fighting each other***

 **Amon: Eyepatch! I have just one thing to say to you!**

 **Kaneki: Yes?**

 **Amon (while blushing): Your kagune. . .I THINK IT'S BEAUTIFUL. Can I buy you some coffee after this?**

 **Kaneki: *dies from pure embarrassment***


	9. Chapter 9

They had finally been given permission to investigate one of Kanou's houses. Though once they entered the house, it was clear it had been remodeled into a lab facility. Simply walking down the hallway and seeing RC-walls bulging out of dark corners like poisonous mold was enough evidence to put Kanou behind bars for life. Amon looked at the RC-walls with disgust and pity. The pulsing, pink flesh was unnerving to say the least. He did his best not to look at it.

"Special Class Shinohara," Akira said, breaking the silence. "Suzuya's wandered off." A glance around showed that the white haired investigator was no longer with the group. Amon cursed under his breath. Juuzou was strong but leaving the group to go solo in a place like this was just pure stupidity. The boy had no idea what Kanou had left here.

"Typical." Shinohara sighed but seemed unconcerned as they walked into a room. Shinohara studied their surroundings for a moment before firing off orders. "I'll take this side path. Half of the supporting squad comes with me. The rest of you follow Amon."

"Be careful, Shinohara." Amon said as the other began to walk away. Shinohara turned around and smiled.

"You guys stay safe too. Remember to keep your communicators on." Shinohara reminded them and then set off down the dark hallway.

"Let's go. Don't let your guard down. I've got a bad feeling about this place." Amon told his group as they began to move.

"You don't say." Akira muttered under her breath and Amon resisted rolling his eyes. He may have sounded like he was stating the obvious but considering their group was just cut in half with Shinohara's departure and with Juuzou off doing God knows what, it never hurt to err in the side of caution.

They walked for some time. Nobody spoke and the tension in the air was thick. Slowly, Amon heard something that didn't sound like footsteps echoing off the walls. He held out his arm, signaling for the others to stop.

"Do you hear that?" He asked Akira. It wasn't very loud but Amon thought he heard clanging and muffled yelling.

"Yes." Akira said after a moment. "It sounds like there's a battle going on."

"My thoughts exactly." Amon said, clutching his silver suitcase. "Everyone, be prepared to engage in combat. We don't know what we're about to walk into."

When they surged into the room, Amon was glad they had their weapons ready. It was a surprise to see two ghoul groups fighting each other in such a place but he put that thought in the back of his mind. He recognized Naki, a ghoul who had escaped from the Cochlea, fighting a purple haired ghoul with a moon mask. A purple koukaku spiraled around one of his arms. Was this the infamous Gourmet?

Amon did not have a chance to verify his suspicions. The ghouls teamed up and the fight was on. Amon may have been feeling more . . . charitable towards ghouls lately but that didn't mean he was going to let them attack him or his comrades without fighting back.

In the middle of the fight, Shinohara's voice came through the communicator.

 _"Amon, Akira, is backup possible? I've found Eyepatch and, well, I'm afraid engaging in combat may be my only option."_

"What?" Amon muttered into his microphone as he dodged another attack. "Ka-Eyepatch has always done his best to avoid confrontation with humans. Why is combat your only option, Shinohara?"

 _'"He's not himself. Please send backup as soon as possible."_ Shinohara replied. Amon furled his eyebrows at the response. Not himself? That didn't sound good.

"We're also in combat, but we'll come as soon as possible."

There was no response. Amon didn't have time to worry about it because Naki had come at him full force. Naki, Amon soon discovered, had a ditzy, childish demeanor. He also confused his words every time he opened his mouth. It made him come off as stupid but he was S rank for a reason. He was certainly putting up a fight against Amon. Thankfully, Akira managed to get Naki with her quinque. She was quite vicious with it and Amon was glad he wasn't fighting her.

(In his mind though, Amon couldn't help but shiver at the cold, sadistic glee in her eyes as her quinque tore into Naki. In that moment, she reminded him of Yamori.)

The ghouls were slowly overpowering them and Amon was about to have his men retreat when Akira brought out a weapon he didn't know she had.

CRC gas.

"It begins affecting the repository system and mucous membranes. Due to the Rc-cells activating, it stops the kagune from working." She said as Naki's kagune crumbled into dust. "It's still a prototype but a direct hit should produce some results."

Amon wanted to stop her; to tell her that this wasn't right. Killing ghouls was necessary but this was borderline torture. He bit his tongue. Akira wasn't doing anything wrong. Ordering her to stop would be a strange order, one he didn't have reason for. At least, not a reason that the CCG would accept.

Amon heard her taunting the two giant ghouls she had chosen to take out and he braced himself for the blood and screaming.

And there was blood and screaming. But not from the ghouls Akira had targeted.

It was from Naki who had jumped in and took the attack head-on.

 _'Why?'_ Amon wanted to scream at the ghoul. ' _Why did you do that? You're not like Kaneki –you've never been human. You're not like those mothers; you didn't have the same bond as they did with their children, so why did you take the hit? Even with your kagune destroyed, you still shielded the other two. Why?'_

Naki was kind enough to monologue his answer.

"Ow . . . that really hurt. I feel like crying." Naki said, sitting on the floor. "When you're twins, it means you get two chances but you also get double the trouble. Which means the chance of dying is also doubled."

He began to sniffle.

"Just when I thought I could meet big bro Yamori when I got to the 'outside world', he wasn't there. Of course I cried every night. Even thinking about it now, I get teary."

( _'So, even a monster like Yamori had friends. How strange.'_ Amon thought.

 _'Why is it so strange?'_ A voice that sounded similar to Kaneki's whispered back.

 _'After all, you were friends with Mado, weren't you?'_ )

Naki shot up from the floor and glared at the investigators.

"Which is why I won't let them die! Compared to crying alone, crying in while in pain is multiple times better!" He screamed at them, tears, blood, and snot flying everywhere.

It was here that Amon was blessed with understanding. True understanding. He was shown that all the things he thought were right weren't and that the monsters he fought so often weren't as monstrous as he wanted them to be. Kaneki had been given a pass since it was discovered he had been human and did not eat people. The two mothers who did their best to protect their children were also given a reluctant pass in Amon's mind after some serious thinking. They were mothers. And most mothers had an instinct to protect their young – even ghouls. Naki, though, he didn't have a reason. He could have let those ghouls die; could have laughed at their demise and continued on with his life. But he didn't.

Why?

For the same reason Amon wouldn't leave his comrades; they were his friends. Which is why Amon didn't hold back and smashed Naki into a wall after the ghoul had taken a bite out of Akira's leg. The purple haired ghoul saw how much damage the gas had caused and called out for them to retreat. Amon was thankful he did.

He didn't want to fight anymore. He didn't want to kill these ghouls.

He didn't want to take away someone's friend.

After taking a small break and gathering his bearings, Amon told his group they were going to meet up with Shinohara. They had been banged up but they could still fight. Akira was the worst off and Amon wasn't about to send her back to the car alone. Not that she would go even if he ordered her too. For a person who knew the rules down to the last punctuation mark, Akira was rather negligent of them when she felt like it. As they moved down the hall, Amon discreetly watched her to make sure she wasn't hiding any injuries.

"Are you ok, Akira?" Amon asked when she began having a coughing fit.

"It's because of Naki's kick. I think my womb's ruptured." She told him, voice soft.

"What?!" That wasn't good. That was horrible news. Why did he let her come with him? That was a serious injury. She'll never be able to have kids, which, sure, maybe that might not be a concern for her now, but in the future she might want them. And it's his fault; he didn't protect her well enough. Mado would skewer him if he was still alive.

"The medic team. They should be here soon. If we get you to them in time maybe-" Akira cut off his babbling.

"It was a joke. Please laugh."

"I can't understand jokes!" Amon snapped as he turned back around to stop himself from yelling at her. It wasn't a funny joke. He thought she had been permanently injured.

"It was a shameful mistake. It's easier on the mind if you make fun of it." Akira said. Amon was silent at the surprising confession. Akira didn't admit to making mistakes often. Even if someone thought she had, she would argue her point until the other person had no choice but to accept it.

"Being unprepared is one's greatest enemy. It can happen to anyone at any time. You're an exceptional investigator but you're still young. You're still new to the game. What you did back there was risky. Please don't be so rash in the future and, please, trust your comrades. I'm not going to let you die." Amon said. Not just because she was Mado's daughter. Not because she truly was exceptional. No, it was because she was his friend. Even if she never counted him as one; even if she always hated him for not saving her father, she would be his friend.

"I'm not going to die. I've got a cat that's waiting for me at home."

Amon was about to say something sarcastic but a flash of movement caught his eye. In between the big machines and tanks that surrounded the hallway, there was a dark figure. A little girl? It was hard to tell. He must have done something to gain its attention because he soon found himself looking into terrified, mismatched eyes.

"Yasuhisa? Is that you?" Amon asked. The girl – as he could tell now that he saw her face – looked like a rabbit that had caught the gaze of a wolf. She was there and then she wasn't; darting off into the dark, clutching a white bundle close to her chest.

"Wait!" Amon called out but she was gone. The Yasuhisa twins. He remembered talking to them once after he had finished a lecture at the academy. Both of them had been sharp and everyone knew they were going to be excellent investigators. Then, one day, they stopped showing up to class. After a week of absence, their dorm was checked and all their stuff was gone. The teachers reported them as runaways and that was the end of it. It wouldn't have been the first case. Now, after seeing who Amon was positive was one of the Yasuhisa twins, he had a feeling they hadn't ran away so much as they had been tempted away.

What lies did Kanou fill their heads with? Amon felt sick as it dawned on him where Kanou had been getting some of his victims. He thought of all the runaway reports he had seen in the CCG's database. How many of those kids had actually ran away? How many were here, stuck in tanks, marked as failed experiments? How many were like Kaneki?

"Investigator Amon!" One of the other investigators yelled. They were ahead of him and waving frantically.

"I'm coming!" Amon said and picked up the pace while making sure Akira didn't fall behind.

"What's this room?" Amon asked as he walked in. All along the walls there were tanks. Tanks big enough to fit a human inside. "It looks like experiments were conducted in here."

"Oh, thank God you're here, Investigator Amon!" A panicked voice called out and the two men that had gone with Shinohara were suddenly by Amon's side. Both of them were pale and crying. "We're saved!"

"Where's Special Investigator Shinohara?" Amon asked when he realized the man was nowhere in sight. The two subordinates bowed their heads and Amon felt his heart stop.

"Sorry. With only our quinques, it's impossible. That thing is too strong." One of them said right as Amon caught sight of the gruesome scene.

This was not how it was supposed to go.

Amon had imagined it happening many different ways. He imagined them meeting in a bookstore; he imagined them bumping into each other on the street; he dreamt of Hide calling them together at Big Girl's or Chi-Chi's. He had even, on occasion, explored the idea of Kaneki simply walking into the CCG's lobby and asking for Amon.

Amon had imagined them meeting again but never like this. Life never imitated dreams, he had learned that when he was child, but he had thought that – for this at least, for this one meeting that meant so much to him, things would go smoothly.

Seeing Kaneki bent over, eating Shinohara's fallen form was unthinkable to Amon. Yet the proof was before his eyes. He stood there, unable to comprehend what he was seeing until he heard it. The desperate sounds of someone who had not eaten in a long time. The gasping breath, the gurgling of saliva and the grunts of a starved man biting into flesh. The noise filled the room, it was so loud It was almost tangible. At one particularly loud _crunch_ , Amon snapped out of his daze.

His body reacted faster than his mind. He was running, weapon unleashed, screaming at the top of his lungs. For one brief moment in his head, this wasn't Kaneki he was attacking. This wasn't the boy who had captured his attention; who had turned his world upside down. No, this was monster that was eating Shinohara and Amon wouldn't stand for it.

His screaming must have caught Kaneki's attention because the other turned away from his meal and faced Amon head on, catching Amon's quinque with four of his extra limbs and threw Amon back several feet. Amon stood back up and took a deep breath. He had to calm down. Think. He had to think. This wasn't a monster. This was Kaneki. A boy that liked to read; a boy that was kind. A boy that had been fucked over for the amusement of others. A boy who –

– shit.

Amon barely dodged the next attack. This was bad. Akira was injured, Shinohara was out for the count and the subordinates that had been brought along? They were useless. Kaneki could kill them without moving from his spot. Worse, he probably wouldn't even notice in his current state of mind.

Screaming. There was so much screaming. Jumbled words fell and tripped out of Kaneki's mouth. He sounded angry, hurt and hungry.

And, really, how could Amon had been so stupid to not think this would happen, that Kaneki would become a kakuja? He knew from the tapes that Kaneki hated eating people. He knew Kaneki had been hunting and slaughtering ghouls for months now – of course he was eating some of them! And why wouldn't he? Kaneki wouldn't have known that eating other ghouls would be bad for his mental health - all he knew was that it would make him stronger and that it was an alternative to eating people.

A tortured shriek arose from Kaneki and Amon blocked another attack with his quinque. The others were probably wondering why he wasn't going on the offense but, now that Shinohara was safe, he couldn't bring himself to hurt Kaneki – not even in this state. No, he had to get the other to snap out of it. He had to make him see that he was safe.

"I wanted to talk to you." Amon said as they clashed again. The boy's kakuja covered his face in a strange manner. It came right down the middle, forming a mask with a needle nosed beak. It covered his eyes but at this moment, the mask had broken a little, showing Amon a deranged smile and a hungry red iris. There was no recognition in that eye.

"Do you remember, Kaneki?" He asked just loud enough for Kaneki to hear. "The night we met, you cried, didn't you? Do you remember that?"

The other twitched.

"I have no idea about what you're talking about." A raspy voice replied and Amon felt hope spark in his chest. It wasn't Kaneki – not yet – but it was a coherent response and that was loads better than the ear-piercing, cacophonic noise that Kaneki had been spewing. He would have to push him, Amon decided. He didn't like the thought, but if it snapped the other out of his episode then he would do it.

"The thing that's wrong with this world is ghouls. I told you that once." Amon started, dodging another blow. "I believed it too. It was my religion and I was devoted to that belief. But now I only know one thing; everything I believed was wrong. The world is not black and white. You understand, don't you?"

"Don't remember. Can't remember. Don't know. E-enough." Kaneki stuttered and rushed forward. "I don't want to hear anymore. I am a ghoul!"

The attack almost knocked Amon off his feet again. He had to give it to Kaneki, the other was strong. Amon's weapon was cracking under the pressure of Kaneki's kagune. He had to think of something - something that would bring Kaneki back but as the boy moved forward, Amon realized he wouldn't have time to speak or dodge.

The daggers that sunk into Kaneki were a godsend.

"Are you in a pinch?" A childish voice called out, and Amon risked a glance to the side to see Juuzou walking towards them. The younger investigator stared straight ahead, ignoring the others. "There are so many of you here, why are you just standing around? Useless."

He then sprinted forward towards Kaneki.

"Hello! Thank you for the quinque! I would've never gotten it without your help! Let's play, ok?" Juuzou said with a happy smile, releasing his quinque. It was a nice weapon. A beautiful metallic scythe that Juuzou had named Jason. Had Kaneki been in a coherent state, if they had negotiating instead of fighting, Amon might have tried to comfort him. He would have said, _"Look at what we did to that bastard, Kaneki. Look at what we made him into. He'll never hurt you again."_

And Kaneki would look at him and say, _"Will I also be turned into a weapon if I surrender to the CCG?"_

So perhaps not so comforting. Amon stepped back for a moment, allowing Juuzou to keep Kaneki occupied. He trusted Juuzou not to go too far. Of course, right as Amon thought this, Juuzou decided it would be a good idea to show off Jason's special attack, hitting Kaneki in the stomach.

"Wow! Cutting with this is so fun! Ah, how do I release again?" Amon heard Juuzou ask over Kaneki's screaming and rushed forward just in time to stop Kaneki from turning the other into a blood stain on the floor. Amon didn't like attacking Kankei - felt terribly guilty about it, actually - but right now he was out of control. He had promised himself that he would never hurt the other but in these current circumstances, he felt Kaneki would prefer that someone stop him.

Amon's attack cut off four of Kaneki's extra limbs and knocked him to the floor. Unlike before, Kaneki did not get up right away. Amon waited as Kaneki got to his knees. Then, he stepped closer, holding his quinque in front of Kaneki's face.

"You're not just, 'a ghoul.' You are. . .beyond that, better than that. I know it, you know it, now remember it. Please." Amon pleaded, as Kaneki tensed. He wished Hide was here. He would know what to say to snap Kaneki back to reality. Hell, all Hide would have to do is say, 'Yo, Kaneki!' and the other would have stopped in his tracks. Amon, on the other hand, had no idea what to say to bring Kaneki out of his berserker mode. There were many things he wanted to say to Kaneki, things that were important to Amon but probably not all that important to Kaneki. He wanted to talk, wanted to compare their experiences. He wanted to talk about their lives and hobbies. He wanted to tell Kaneki about the books he's been reading –

A though came to him. Not quite an epiphany but as close he could get to one under the circumstances and time constraint.

"But the people I want to believe in were born for love and revolution." He said and withheld a smile as Kaneki's head jerked. "You said that once - well, quoted it, I guess. Don't you still believe that?" Amon asked.

There was a shaky intake of breath and Amon saw two hands clutch at the ground.

"I. . ." The strange voice was slowly turning back into Kaneki's as tear drops splattered to the floor. "I. . .don't want to eat anymore. . ." There was muffled sob as Kaneki bent down, almost as if he was bowing; as if he was apologizing.

Amon closed his eyes and withdrew his quinque.

"I know." He said and turned around, leaving Kaneki on the floor. It hurt. He wanted nothing more than to reassure Kaneki – to tell him that everything would be ok. He wanted to take Kaneki home and put him in bed; let the kid sleep until he felt more like himself but Amon couldn't do that. Not here, not with so many investigators around.

"Leave him." He said when he saw Juuzou move closer to Kaneki. "Shinohara's injuries are top priority." Juuzou studied him for a moment before a sly smile lit up his young face.

"Ok." Juuzou said before skipping over to Shinohara. Amon followed and did his best to ignore the questioning looks the others were giving him.

"Sir, we need to exterminate that ghoul." One brave subordinate spoke up.

"No, we don't. Leave him alone." Amon said as he took in Shinohara's injuries. Even with Arata equipped, Kaneki had done a number on the older investigator.

"But Amon-san! That ghoul - he's dangerous! He's SS rank! We need to take him out immediately. If Mukade-"

"Mukade?!" Amon roared, rounding on the subordinate. Grabbing him by the front of his shirt, Amon pointed to Kaneki's trembling form. "Is that who you are referring to? Is that _Mukade_?" Amon asked, practically spitting and the terrified man in his clutches nodded hastily. Amon had half a mind to punch him.

Mukade. Centipede.

How dare he call Kaneki that.

" _That,_ " Amon stressed, "is Eyepatch and he is to be left alive. The wanted poster hasn't changed. And if I find out you been giving ghouls aliases without permission you'll wish I'd had left you with him!"

The subordinate let out a terrified squeak and nodded his head frantically until Amon released him. A heavy silence fell over the group; as if they were afraid Amon would rip off the head of the next person to speak.

"As I said, Investigator Shinohara's wounds are our first concern." Amon said before glancing at Kaneki. The other was still on the ground, shivering from head to toe. "Besides, Eyepatch is . . . not in best frame of mind at the moment. You all saw how powerful he is. We may not be able to control or subdue him if we did take him with us. Tell me, do you really want to take that risk while we're driving?"

There was a mumble of agreement and Shinohara groaned.

"Sorry," Shinohara gasped out as soon as his eyes found on Amon's. "I didn't recognize him at first when we walked in here. I think I startled him. That kid has a lot of power in that little body of his." He said as Amon helped him sit up.

"Investigator Shinohara!" One of the subordinates exclaimed before becoming a traitor. "Should we exterminate that ghoul, sir? He's been injured enough, we can probably overpower him."

"No." Shinohara said. "Investigator Amon is right; we should leave him alone. Like I said, I surprised him when I entered the room, so I'm partly to blame for his behavior."

"But sir!" The subordinate continued on stubbornly. "He was eating you! He's clearly dangerous."

"Yes, and it's also clear he isn't all there in the head!" Shinohara said with a glare. "Besides, while I'm sure it looked like he was munching on me to his heart's content, he was trying his best to resist eating me. He got in a few good bites but mostly he was eating Arata. And, even if I did give you the ok to kill him, it's a moot point now. He's gone."

Indeed he was. The spot Kaneki had been at was empty.

"And next time, when Investigator Amon gives an order, don't try to disobey it by asking a higher ranking investigator." Shinohara said and Amon reveled in the ashamed look on the subordinate's face.

"Thank you." Amon whispered as he helped Shinohara to his feet.

"Think nothing of it." Shinohara replied. "I understand why they think he needs to be killed. They didn't see the tapes; they don't know who he is. They probably think we're crazy to let him go after what they saw. It wasn't pretty, Amon. In any case, he's not a full kakuja yet and I'm hoping this fight will make him realize how dangerous eating ghouls can be."

"We can only hope." Amon admitted as they made their way out of the house. "I'm not sure I would have been able to get through to him if Juuzou hadn't bought me some time. But Shinohara, somebody needs to tell Juuzou he shouldn't wander away like he did. I'd give him the lecture myself but I have a feeling he'd blow me off."

"Thank you for not lecturing him." Shinohara said. His eyes were on a humming Juuzou who was a few feet ahead. "He's been through a lot, Amon. How he grew up – well, you know the rumors and I won't betray his confidence but he is doing much better than he's given credit for. Most people don't understand how he thinks. When I'm better, I'll try to impress on him how important it is to stay with the group." He let out another pained groan. "Besides, I have a feeling when we get back, we'll be the ones getting lectured."

As usual, Shinohara was right. Well, mostly. Shinohara lucked out because he was in the hospital, leaving Amon to face Marude's wrath by himself.

"He was there and YOU LET HIM GO?" The yell could probably be heard on every floor of the CCG. "What were you thinking? Kaneki Ken was right in front of you! Better yet, he was injured and you let him go! Why? Explain yourself, Investigator Amon!" Marude said with a snarl and a glare.

"While it is true that Kaneki Ken was injured, he was also in a half-kakuja state. I felt it would be too dangerous to bring him back with us. We didn't go there with him in mind and we had no means to subdue him. Akira had some CRC gas but that had been used in another battle, as you'll see in the report." Amon said. After a moment of hesitation, he continued. "Also, I was thinking of his well-being. Waking up in Cochlea probably would have scared him and don't try and tell me you would have put him somewhere else. It would have been the safest place for everyone if we had brought him in when he was acting like that."

"I can't believe this." Marude muttered. A stiff, awkward silence filled the room as Amon waited for judgement. "I should punish you; demote you or something, I really should. The higher ups aren't going to be pleased when they hear this. Make no mistake, Amon," Marude growled, "The only reason you're escaping punishment is because Shinohara, Akira, and Suzaya are backing up your decision."

Amon withheld a blink of surprise at this revelation. Shinohara was a given but Akira _and_ Juuzou?

"Whatever, the investigation was still a success. There's more than enough evidence, that, the next time Kanou shows his face, we'll have him for good. No type of bribery can help him out now." Marude ended with a mad cackle. "Now get out of my office! Go train or eat or whatever it is you do to relax."

"Thank you, Marude." Amon said with a bow and left before the other changed his mind.

The moment he was out of the building, he had his phone out and dialing a number. It rang a few times before a tired voice answered.

 _"Hello?"_ Hide said with a yawn.

"Hide." Amon greeted back.

 _"What is it? Why are you calling me so late? I wasn't supposed to work today, was I? Crap! If I was, I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you!"_

"Hide, calm down." Amon ordered. "You're fine. I'm calling about a different matter."

 _"Oh thank God! Warn a guy that he's not in trouble! Jeez!"_

Amon chuckled a little more before getting down to the matter at hand.

"I'm calling about Kaneki." Even though he couldn't see Hide, he felt the boy's demeanor change.

 _"Ok? What happened? You went on a mission today, right? Did you run into him? Is he ok?"_

"No, he's not." Amon admitted. "At least, not when I saw him. Some of the investigators wanted to kill him but I convinced them it was best to leave him. Listen, I have a favor to ask you. Can you pass a message along to him?"

 _"Sure. No promises he'll get back with you. How was he? You said he wasn't ok, but that doesn't really tell me much. Was he injured?"_

"Er," Amon tried to find a way to say it that wouldn't send Hide into panic mode. "He was having a mental breakdown, I think. I managed to snap him out of it. Anyway, could you tell him that I'd like to meet? Just me. No one else and I won't bring any weapons. I promise I won't take him to CCG. He can pick the date, time and place. You can send him my personal cell, so he can respond directly to me, if he'd like."

 _"I, mean, yeah, I can do that. But I don't think he'll agree to meet with you, Amon."_ Hide said. _"From the voicemail, he sounded pretty dedicated to avoiding the CCG and everyone in it."_

"Yeah, I know." Amon said as he entered his apartment. "If it makes any difference, you can tell him that I have information about Dr. Kanou that I think he should know about."

 _"Ok, I'll let him know but don't get your hopes up. Once he decides something, it takes a lot to change his mind."_

"I'll keep that in mind. Thank you, Hide." Amon said. After ending the phone call, he plopped down on his bed with a graceless grunt. He just made an offer to release sensitive information to ghoul. A year ago, he would have been appalled at his own behavior. Now days, he was beginning to care less and less as more truths were revealed to him.

8 days later, he receives a text from an unknown number.

 _'Gold Leaf Café. 6th ward. Tomorrow at 2 pm. Please come alone.'_

* * *

 **A/N: Urg. Hi. So, I spent the past few days re-reading the some of the chapters from Tokyo Ghoul and, boy oh boy, there was a lot of stuff I forgot about! Also, if you're up to date on RE: I'm just . . . Arima, what am I going to do with you? And then Ishida wrote something that was the exact opposite of something I had wrote (I won't say what cuz spoilers). So, yeah. I'm no longer super concerned about staying in canon because I can't trust this man.**

 **Unbeta'd. I always edit before posting, but if you see something that I missed, please let me know!**


	10. Chapter 10

The Gold Leaf Café was a little bookstore coffee shop that Amon would have missed if he hadn't been looking for it. Walking in, Amon stopped for a moment to breath in the scent of old books and coffee. He glanced around, looking to see if Kaneki had already arrived. He didn't see anyone with white hair. Well, that's to be expected, he reasoned to himself. He was half an hour early. He took a seat in the corner of the store, setting his bag on the floor. It was secluded but still in public view; perfect, considering Amon had no idea how this meeting was going to go.

He was hoping it wouldn't end in disaster. After the initial excitement of seeing that Kaneki had responded had worn off, Amon couldn't help but worry. What if Kaneki thought this was a trap? What if he thought Amon was trying to trick him; that Amon would go back on his word and have a squad ready to subdue Kaneki? More than once, he had to stop himself from texting the boy to assure him it wasn't a trap.

Deciding he didn't want to spend his time twiddling his thumbs and staring out the window, Amon browsed the books stacked along the walls. Each bookshelf held a different category and he soon came upon the horror shelf. The horror genre wasn't really his cup of tea but _Dear Kafka_ caught his eyes. That one had been a best seller when it had first come out, right? He couldn't really remember but more than one of his classmates had raved about it when he had been in the academy. Shrugging, he picked it up. If nothing else, it would kill time.

Amon found himself engrossed. He was no longer in the café; he was in a world of fascinating horror. It was a world of twisted secrets, murder and quiet insanity. There was a bitterness in the main character that Amon could relate to. They held strong resentment towards their father but hid it under the wraps of a carefree smile and mocking obedience. There was love there, too, but it was wrong; out of place and plastic, as if the main character did not truly understand the feeling.

"If you like _Dear Kafka_ , you should check out the _Black Goat's Egg_. It's Takatsuki Sen's best work in my opinion, but _The Hanged Man's MacGuffin_ is excellent as well." A soft voice suggested, bringing Amon out of the story.

Kaneki stood before him, a bag slung around his arm and two coffees in his hands. He was wearing casual clothes (all black, Amon noted) and an eyepatch. If Amon hadn't known how old Kaneki was, he would have thought he was looking at a rebellious high schooler. Kaneki's round face and short stature made him look young, but the heavy bags under his eyes showed how tired he was. His skin almost looked whiter than his hair, Amon noted with worry.

"I hope you don't mind but I ordered for you." Kaneki told him. His words reminded Amon of an old nightmare ( _checkered tables, burgers, a crawling centipede)_ and he forces it to the back of his mind again. This isn't a nightmare; this is real- it won't end the same way.

"I was told by a reliable source that you liked sweet things. I hope this is good enough; it was the sweetest thing on their menu." Kaneki said, holding out one of the coffees. Amon took it and briefly felt the other's hand shake. So he was nervous too. It made Amon feel better, knowing he wasn't the only one fretting behind a mask but it also made him want to reassure Kaneki.

"Thank you, but you didn't have to buy me anything. I'm just glad you agreed to meet with me." Amon said, closing the book and taking a sip. It was the sweetest mocha latte he'd ever had. He'd have to thank Hide for passing on his preferences. "I just picked it up to pass time. It's well written and it definitely sucks you in, but I think it's a little too extreme for me."

"Extreme?" Kaneki echoed as he set his coffee on the table and took a seat. "What do you mean by that?"

"I've only read two chapters and I can already tell this book is going to end in tragedy." Amon said. "I like realistic endings and happy ones. I don't think anyone in this story is happy or will end up happy. Most horror stories don't end that way." He ended with a dry chuckle.

"That's true," Kaneki agreed. "Takatsuki Sen's never written about happiness unless it's to mock it. Still, I like her work. It's very morbid and twisted but it's also very poetic and the way she writes appeals to me. She actually had a book signing today. I was going to go but this was more important."

"Is it still going on?" Amon asked. "We could go real quick or-! You can go and we can reschedule." Amon finished quickly and mentally kicked himself. Just because Kaneki agreed to meet him didn't mean the other felt comfortable around him. Offering to go- acting like they were old friends; Kaneki probably thought he was a creeper.

"No, it's fine. You took time off work to meet with me, right? I won't waste your time by being selfish. There will be other book signings. Thank you for the offer though." Kaneki didn't seem flustered or annoyed by Amon's suggestion. Amon was surprised the other knew he had taken the day off to meet with him. Then again, the CCG had standard schedules for its employees- he wouldn't be surprised if some ghouls had learned that. As he looked at the other, he saw Kaneki fidget in his seat. He seemed side tracked; as if there was something weighing on his mind.

"Oh, um, here." Kaneki stuttered as he sat his plastic bag on the table. In it was a small pot with several colorful flowers peeking out. "I didn't put my name on it, but i-it's for the man I hurt. I-" Kaneki stopped talking, glanced around, and asked in a softer voice, "I didn't kill him, did I?"

"No. Shinohara's fine. A little banged up but he's had worse." Amon said and was relieved to see Kaneki gain some color back in his face. He felt like kicking himself for not telling Kaneki that when he first sat down.

"Thank God." Kaneki let out a sigh of relief. "I don't . . . I don't remember much of that fight. It's all a blur with black spots when I think about it. I knew I had bitten someone but that was it. I barely remember you talking to me."

"If it's any consolation, he doesn't blame you." Amon said and Kaneki let out a small, bitter laugh.

"Amon, I appreciate how kind you're being to me, but there's no reason to lie. Nobody would forgive someone for doing that to them. There's a reason I didn't put my name with the flowers; I don't think he'd appreciate his attacker showing concern. That and I don't want to get you in trouble. I'm sure you'd face some interesting questions if you gave Shinohara-san flowers with my name on them."

"You're wrong." Amon blurted out before he could stop himself, "I'm not lying. Shinohara's not angry with you. He knew you weren't in your right mind; he knows you're not like that."

"Oh, really? And how could he know that?" Kaneki asked. "We've never met before."

"No, but he's watched the tapes." Amon said and Kaneki winced.

"Oh. Yes, of course. The tapes." Kaneki pinched the bridge of his nose. "It seems like I can't get away from them. Should've destroyed them when I had the chance." He had muttered the last part under his breath and Amon almost missed it.

"I'm glad you didn't." Amon told him and continued on when he saw Kaneki was about to protest. "They opened up my eyes. Forgive me for saying this, but they're the reason I'm here now. If I hadn't watched them, you would still be a mystery to me. I would still be angrily stewing over the ghoul that let me live." He took a short breath and took the plunge. "I would still think you were a monster."

"You don't think I'm a monster now?" Kaneki asked, tilting his head.

"No."

"You're wrong. I am one. I don't want to be but I had to-" Kaneki stopped and switched topics. "So, have the tapes been passed around to everyone at the CCG yet? I imagine all the investigators have watched them. Hide's seen them so I can only assume everyone has at this point."

"No, Kaneki. They're highly classified. Only a small group of people have seen them, Shinohara being one of them. I promise. Hide," Amon hesitated. "Hide doesn't have clearance. I made the decision to break protocol to let him watch them."

"Why, Amon?" Kaneki asked and Amon saw he was trembling. "You knew he was my friend- my _best_ friend. Why would you show him those tapes? Hide already has enough on his plate with classes and work. Watching those tapes gave him unnecessary stress."

Amon couldn't believe what he was hearing. Unnecessary stress? What? Didn't Kaneki realize how worried Hide was? He knew Hide had joined the CCG to find him- he had to know that! So why did he think like this? Why did he think he was on the same level as classes and a part-time job? Sure, those things were important but they come and go. Kaneki was a person; he couldn't be replaced. Didn't he know that?

 _'Why are you like this?'_ Amon wanted to ask. It had been there from the beginning; as far back as the checkered room. He had only been in that torture chamber to spare others the same fate. _'Why do you think you're less important than others?'_

 _'What made you feel so worthless, Kaneki?'_

"Hide deserved to know. You've been missing for months, Kaneki, and he didn't have a clue as to where you were. He hides it behind his cheerful attitude but he was worried about you- he's _still_ worried about you. How could I keep him in the dark like that? If it had been the opposite- if you two had switched places- wouldn't you have wanted any information you could get?" He would save his unspoken questions for a different time.

Kaneki smiled at him and he felt his breath catch. It was such a beautiful smile but it was strained; as if Kaneki hadn't smiled in a long time and was trying to remember how.

"I told Hide you were a good man, Amon," Kaneki hummed as he took a sip of coffee. "I'm glad I was right for once."

Good man? No, Amon wasn't a good man. If he was a good man, he would have realized his prejudice sooner. If he was a good man, Harima would still be alive, Akira would still have a father, and he would have spared some of the ghouls ( _'Harmless ghouls you killed for fun.'_ Mado's voice cackled in his head) he had run into. He wasn't a good man – not yet – but he was getting there.

"He's my subordinate. I do my best to watch out for him. As for the tapes, they're not being passed around; no one who's seen them thought you deserved to go through that."

"When did they change their minds? When they found out I used to be human?"

"When the first tape ended." Amon told him and smiled at Kaneki's surprised look. "Also, if you're a monster then so am I." Amon finished. He set his own bag on the table and pushed to towards Kaneki. It had been a last minute thought; one he hoped that would be seen as a gift and an apology. By the time he considered how his gesture might be taken, he had already gathered the items. Besides, even if Kaneki did become angry, Amon knew the other wouldn't reject the gift. After all, he was more the messenger than the receiver.

"What's this?" Kaneki asked as he looked in and saw several beat up books, a necklace, a fountain pen, and a set of matching rings.

"They're for the little girl." Amon found his mouth had gone dry. "The daughter, I mean. The books, pen and necklace were picked up when we raided their house here in the 6th ward. They had already fled by then. The rings . . . were lifted off the bodies." Amon swallowed, feeling sick, but continued on. "All these items were bagged as evidence but the case isn't priority at the moment. No one will notice them missing." _Considering the only other person who's seen them is dead._ "I thought she might like to have something that belonged to her parents. I'd also like to extend my deepest apologies for my own actions at the time. They were cruel." He finished and steeled himself for Kaneki's response.

He expected anger. He expected to be yelled at; to be called out on his hypocrisy. What else was there to expect besides resentment? He had stood there, after all. He had stood there as Mado had tortured and taunted that poor ghoul. He had watched without an ounce of guilt as Mado ended her life in such a brutal manner. He hopes the little girl hadn't seen that. He hopes that she had been far away or that someone had covered her eyes and comforted her in her time of need. He can't do anything about the past but perhaps after the anger has simmered, Kaneki will see that Amon had changed. And maybe, just, maybe, the little girl will too.

Seeing white strands of hair caress the table as Kaneki bowed to him was shocking.

"What are you doing? Why are you bowing-"

"Thank you, Amon." Kaneki interrupted, his voice thick and shaky. "That girl is very dear to me. She'll be very happy to have these back."

"It's the least I can do." Amon said and waited for Kaneki to regain his composure. Carefully, as if he was afraid he would break the items, Kaneki set them on the floor. He turned to Amon.

"I suppose we should get down to the matter at hand." Kaneki said and then, right before Amon's eyes, shifted into a different person. Grey eyes became blank, his body was tense, and there was no sign of emotion on his face. It was as if all his feelings had bled out of him, leaving behind a hollow shell. The change was unnerving and Amon didn't like it; didn't like how he couldn't read the other.

He launched into a detailed explanation about the CCG's findings on Kanou. He told Kaneki everything he knew. He told him how they had caught wind of Kanou's wrong doings thanks to the tapes. How disconcerting the discovery was and the follow up investigation. He told him about arresting Kanou and the interrogation. He recited, as close to verbatim as he could, everything Kanou had said.

"Ultimately, he wants to create-"

"- a new evolution for mankind." Kaneki finished for him with a tired sigh. "At least the story's the same."

"You already knew?" Amon asked, trying to hide his surprise. Kaneki nodded.

"Yes, that was why I was at his house. Everything you just said he had already told me. He also had the nerve to ask me to join him." Kaneki glared at his cup. "As if I'd let that psycho touch me again."

"He was there?" Amon wanted to the flip the table. "That night we investigated his house, he was there and _we missed him_?"

"He's aligned himself with Aogiri Tree." Kaneki told him. "They took him and he released his failed experiments to keep me busy. I had already fought another ghoul who had, as much as I hate to admit it, overpowered me. The experiments weren't strong but there were so many." Kaneki stopped, and Amon noticed his knuckles were white. "At that time – all the information and the fast pace of events, it was overload. I was angry and I lashed out and tried to destroy everything."

"Why?"

"Because I had to prove it." Kaneki's voice was becoming fainter and Amon realized the other was no longer talking to him. "I had to prove I wasn't weak anymore. I spent so much time training, hunting and _eating_. So much time getting strong only to learn what? That I was being played like a puppet? That every move I made had been predicted beforehand?" He shivered and his eyes refocused as he continued on, "I . . . I knew turning to cannibalism would have some side effects. I knew that from the beginning - since fighting Yamori. But I needed to get stronger, so I took the risk. I couldn't stay weak, Amon. Not after everything Yamori told me." He kept his eyes trained on the table. "I shouldn't have taken the risk."

"Did you notice?" Amon asked. "Did you notice you were becoming unstable?"

Kaneki shook his head. "Not really, no. I was focused on my goal. Finding information and Kanou was top priority. My habits during that time weren't healthy even by ghoul standards. More than once a person in my group had to remind me to rest. It's not like I was hearing voices or blacking out."

"So you did have a group. That's good to know." Immediately after he said that, Kaneki tensed.

"Yes, I do, but if that's your true reason for meeting with me, then we're done. I won't tell you anything. We'll end this right now and go our separate ways, Investigator Amon."

"No!" Amon hurried to explain. "That came out wrong. I don't want the names of your comrades. I-" He coughed and tried to give a proper explanation. "I was worried you were out there all alone. We –Shinohara, I and a few others – were worried for you. After the tapes, we had no idea what happened to you. No one had rescued you, so we thought you were alone. Shinohara, especially, was worried about your mental state and that you might turn to cannibalism." Kaneki flinched at the revelation.

"Why?" He asked, fiddling with his cup. "Why would he be worried about me? I'm no one. I'm just another ghoul."

"No, you're a kid." Amon said. "And you didn't deserve any of this. I know ghouls hate us. I know they think we're heartless, but even us "damn doves" have emotions.

I know you don't trust us. And, as much as I'd hate to admit it, I think you're right." Amon said and smiled at the shocked look on Kaneki's face. "After we had finished the tapes, there were plans of making an S rank poster of you. I – along with a few others – protested that decision. Thankfully, Arima agreed with us and talked to the higher ups. I don't know what he said but it's the only reason you're not be hunted. In lieu, that other poster was put up." He took another breath, "I kept an eye out for you but it wasn't until the ghoul restaurant massacres popped up in our cases that I found you. You've hidden yourself very well."

"Who's Arima? I'll have to thank him."

"No." Amon said. "He's feared by ghouls everywhere. He's been called the CCG Reaper. I don't think he would kill you, but he would subdue you and bring you back to the CCG. He's very hard to read and I don't know what his motives towards you are. My faith in the CCG is . . . wavering at the moment and Arima, well, when he's given an order, it gets done. I don't know what would happen to you if you met him or if you came to the CCG. They say they want to help but . . ." he trailed off, unsure of what else to say.

"What gave me away?" Kaneki asked, returning back to the ghoul restaurants. He seemed unconcerned about what Amon had told him. "Did I leave something behind at one of the scenes?"

"It was the kagune marks on the walls and floors. I knew they were yours; they matched the ones you've left in other battles. The only other person who knows your involvement in the massacres is my partner."

"Why?" Kaneki was looking at him; trying to figure out his motives. "If you had included my name, I doubt the CCG would still want me. It would have been a perfect way to show how 'ghoulish' I've become."

"Because I know you." Amon spoke without thinking. He felt his cheeks burning. "I mean, I know enough about you to know you weren't attacking because you found enjoyment in killing others. As for why my partner kept silent, I couldn't tell you. She does view you as an ally and she hates ghouls, so that's probably why she hasn't mentioned it."

"You're wrong, I did it enjoy it." Kaneki said, voice low. "When I was first introduced to the ghoul world, I made the mistake of trusting the wrong person." He let out a harsh chuckle. "He had connections and could get into any restaurant he wanted. Even among ghouls, they're hard to find. I needed more information about them at the time and thought I had found my way in." Another laugh as hollow as the first. "I found my way in - just didn't expect to find myself being served for dinner."

"What?" Amon felt a myriad of emotions at the confession: shock, concern, pity, but mostly, he felt an anger burning for the ghoul that had tricked Kaneki.

"It was my own fault." Kaneki told him with a careless shrug. "I trusted the wrong person. I won't spoil your appetite with the gory details; I made it out. I don't like to think about it."

"Then why go back?" Amon asked. "Was it for revenge?"

"No, that was an extra perk. I was hitting the restaurants because there was a ghoul that was rumored to have connections with Kanou. We were trying to get her so we could question her. Unfortunately for the other guests, she was quick on her feet. If we had captured her the first time, that would have been the only restaurant. It feels like it took forever to finally catch her. She's the reason we knew about the house."

"I see."

There was a lull of silence as they both drank and collected their thoughts. He was so young, Amon thought as he took Kaneki in. Not even 22 and he had been through so much. So much pain and confusion; so much madness and torture. How many times in this past year had he fought for his life? How many times did he wander in the dark, searching for answers? Searching for food? Amon hopes – for Kaneki's sake and sanity – that the worst was over.

"I don't hate the CCG." Kaneki said, bringing Amon back to reality. "I know I sound like I oppose you – and in some ways, I do – but I've never once thought that the CCG was unnecessary or worthless. Ghouls do need regulation of some sort. Quite a few have murdered; they'll admit to it and they know it's wrong. They're not stupid and they do feel guilty, but what are they supposed to do? Starve? Some ghouls find ways around it-"

"How?" Amon asked and Kaneki eyed him carefully, as if unsure if he should answer or not. It was risky; he would be giving Amon insight and information that Amon could use against ghouls. Amon felt his heart jump as Kaneki took a leap of faith and answered.

"Some go to other ghouls to get their food. Others search for popular suicide spots or break into morgues. Some take a vigilante point of view and go after known murderers and rapists."

"Morgues in all the wards will be getting upgraded security soon. 24-7 surveillance cameras will be installed as will Rc-scanners within the next year. The CCG and the government have been planning this for awhile. It was approved last month." Amon responded without a second thought. Kaneki looked at him, his one grey eye showing shock that Amon had responded in kind.

"I'll pass it on." He said. "As I was saying, I don't hate the CCG; I hate their methods. I understand that there are some ghouls that are evil. I understand that some ghouls need to die. What I don't understand is why the CCG hasn't tried to test a peaceful method for subduing ghouls."

"What would you suggest?" Amon asked. The question had been brought up within the CCG walls before, but it was always an unpopular opinion and nothing ever came of it. Those who had advocated it quickly found themselves demoted and reassigned.

"Hit at the heart of the problem: hunger." Kaneki responded immediately. So he had been thinking about this. "Ghouls can only eat humans but there have been advancements in human cloning and synthetic meat. One for medical reasons and the other for vegetarians and to solve a hunger crisis among the poor. Why can't we combine them and apply it towards ghouls? Synthetic human meat would be a miracle." He gave Amon a sad smile. "Not everyone is cut out to be hunter or a killer."

"The CCG already has synthetic human meat." Amon said, feeling a bit stupid for not mentioning it earlier. "It's for the ghouls in Cochlea. Sometimes we get a few bodies from the morgue that couldn't be identified but the prisoners are mostly fed the synthetic stuff."

For the first time, Amon saw Kaneki become excited.

"Really?! That's great! If we could set up a way to distribute it to the community and then-" He cut himself off and his smile wilted off his face as reality caught up to him. "Ah, I'm getting ahead of myself, aren't I? They wouldn't go for that idea, would they?"

"No." Amon said, feeling bad for saying it but it was the truth.

"Yeah," Kaneki agreed. "They're not like you. They're not trying to see our side- they just want us gone."

"What are you planning to do now?" Amon asked, switching subjects. "You got your answers from Kanou, what now?" Kaneki would probably dodge the question. It wasn't any of Amon's business but he was curious.

"I'm not sure." Kaneki admitted. "I can't keep on as I have been. I still want to change the world but I'm not sure how. I want humans and ghouls to live in harmony. I'm still trying to figure out how to do that. I might ask for my old job back- if they'll take me back. Maybe a normal setting will give me a better perspective." Amon nodded in agreement. It made sense; go back and try to restart a normal life. It wouldn't be easy, Kaneki probably wouldn't go back to the university but at least he wouldn't be putting himself into dangerous situations. Amon was about to encourage Kaneki to try when a thought occurred to him and his eyes widened in realization.

"No." He said rather abruptly. "Whatever you do, don't go back to your old job. We were able to pull from your files that you worked at a little coffee shop in the 20th ward. Anteiku, if I'm remembering right." If Kaneki's dumbfounded nod was any indication, he was. "The CCG has had undercover agents periodically check the Anteiku for you. The visits have decreased overtime, and if it's a human establishment there shouldn't be any problems." He looked at Kaneki. "But if it's not- if there's something more there, I'd suggest treading very carefully. For your sake and the others working there."

He hated himself for having to tell Kaneki that; hated himself for taking away the other's attempt to gain some normality back into his life. But he would have hated himself even more if Kaneki had been spotted there and was forced to surrender. Or worse, forced to watch his friends die. Watching those thin shoulders crush under the weight of his words was heart wrenching and – for the first time- he felt _rage_ at the CCG.

"Thank you, Amon." The quiet voice poured over his anger, dousing it out. "Really, thank you. You've done so much for me without wanting anything in return." Kaneki's breath caught. "I really don't deserve such kindness."

 _'Yes you do!'_ Amon wanted to scream.

"I have to leave now, but I really enjoyed our talk!" Kaneki said as he stood up and grabbed his bag. "Let's meet again. We could talk about a brighter subject; books, maybe."

"I'd like that." Amon stood up as well. "You know, you're the reason I read as much as I do."

"I am?"

"Yes. Arima recognized the quote you used from _The Setting Sun_." Amon admitted as they walked towards the door. "I checked it out at the library and I couldn't put it down. I bought my own copy. Since then, I've taken to browsing the bookshops, trying to guess which books you've read."

"Really?" Kaneki laughed. A true laugh that rang out like a happy little bell. "You've probably guessed better than you think; I was a literature student for a reason. I've read a lot of books." He hummed a little and looked at Amon; amusement clear in his uncovered eye. "Did you have a favorite character in _The Setting Sun_?"

"The protagonist, actually." Amon said as they exited the shop, both of them stopping to lean against the brick wall to continue their conversation. "Well, favorite is not the right word; I related to her. She worked hard but always felt underappreciated. Anytime something went wrong, she felt it was her fault. She admitted to often feeling like a child. I've felt like that. She was very emotional and a little obsessive, but she tried her hardest. I liked that about her."

"I liked Kazuco too." Kaneki said, still smiling. "But lately, I relate more to Naoji."

"What? But he was a selfish jerk!" Amon exclaimed before he could stop himself. "You're nothing like him!"

"I know at least one person who would disagree with you." Kaneki said. "He was rather unpleasant, wasn't he? But it was a part in his suicide note that resonated within me. He talked about how he came from nobility but he wanted to be a 'friend of the people.' So he learned to speak like them, talk like them, and act like them, but it wasn't enough. They still saw a snobbish noble. He could not return to his world of the upper class. He had changed too much, become too crude for their tastes. He felt out of place in the world and, in end, thought suicide was best way to end his pain." Kaneki finished, smile fading. "I can relate to that; not having a place to fit in."

"But you wouldn't kill yourself, would you?" Amon asked, almost afraid of the answer. "Naoji didn't have good friends to support him. You do." _If you let them._

"Kill myself? No!" Kaneki gave a startled laugh, ignoring that last part of Amon's sentence. "No, I wouldn't do that." He said, touching his chin.

"That's good to hear." Amon said though he still felt unease in his heart.

"I really do need to be going. Thanks again for meeting with me." Kaneki said, giving a short bow and turned to leave.

"Anytime, Kaneki."

He watched as Kaneki disappeared into the crowd. He headed back home, brooding the whole way. Something had to be done. Kaneki shouldn't have to hide; shouldn't have any chance of going back to his old life be taken from him because the CCG was still sniffing around. Something had to be done; had to be set in motion. Not just for Kaneki but for ghouls as well. Kaneki was right; why hadn't the CCG tried a peaceful solution? They had all the tools and resources for it.

The world needed to change. Kaneki was trying to change it.

Amon would meet him halfway.

But they would need a little help.

And he knew just the person to ask.

"Hello, Hide? It's Amon. Listen, I have a proposition for you . . ."

* * *

 **A/N: I own a copy of The Setting Sun. I figured if I was going to reference it so much, I might as well read it so I actually know what I'm talking about. Funny enough, I can see the subtle parts were Ishida took influence from. I'm going to write a small excerpt of Naoji's suicide note (it's about 10 pages long) so you guys can have a better understanding of what Kaneki was referencing:**

 _ **"I wanted to become coarse, to be strong – no, brutal. I thought that was the only way I could qualify myself as a "friend of the people" . . . I became coarse. I learned to use coarse language. But it was half- no, sixty per cent- a wretched imposture, an odd form of petty trickery. As far as the "people" were concerned, I was a stuck-up prig who put them all on edge with my affected airs. They would never really unbend and relax with me. On the other hand, it is now impossible to return to those salons I gave up. Even supposing my coarseness is sixty per cent artifice, the remaining forty per cent is genuine now. The intolerable gentility of the upper-class salon turns my stomach, and I could not endure it for an instant. And those distinguished gentlemen, those eminent citizens, as they are called, would be revolted by my atrocious manners and soon ostracize me. I can't return to the world I abandoned, and all the "people" give me (with a fulsome politeness that is filled with malice) is a seat in the visitor's gallery."**_


	11. Hinami's Interlude: Clover Hearts

**Hinami's Interlude: Clover Hearts**

 **x**

* * *

"Big brother! You're back!" Hinami exclaimed, smiling in delight when she caught sight of the white haired boy. "How was it? Did it go. . . ok?" She asked, trailing off at the end, uncertain if she should have said anything.

No one in the group knew who Kaneki had gone to meet. He had told them someone had wanted to exchange information with him. They had all protested when he refused to say who he was meeting. Tsukiyama had been the most vocal, but Kaneki had shut him down with a glare.

"Hey, Hinami. It went well. Much better than how I thought it would go." He said with a smile as she hugged him. "Where're Banjou and the others?"

"Banjou's upstairs studying his letters. Jirou and the others are still out getting food. I think Flower Man went back home." Hinami said but her voice was muffled by Kaneki's shirt. Her sense of smell was very good and she loved how Kaneki smelled. She didn't know how to explain it. She could always smell the difference between male and female ghouls. Males had a hearty smell; some smelled like the forest, some like the damp earth and others like smoke. All of them, though, always had a tinge of blood in their scent.

Females had a lighter scent. Not flowery, but more open; clear. If men smelled like the woods, earth and smoke, then the women smelled like sweet grass, warm air and fire. Like the men, blood was in their scent.

Kaneki's scent was completely different. His ran on the feminine side. He smelled like winter; crisp and cold but refreshing. He didn't have an under scent of blood. His was sweet and faint; like a flower ready to bloom under the snow. Hinami had never told him this, but she found his scent comforting. She squeezed him a little tighter before letting go.

"Good to know. I'll call a meeting later tonight. There're some things I need to discuss with them." Kaneki said as he walked into the living room. "I'll have to brew a lot of coffee to appease them." He muttered himself but Hinami ears perked up.

"Why?" She asked, honey eyes zoning in on the bag around his wrist. "What's in the bag, Big Brother?"

He tensed at her question and he gave a look she had never seen before. He looked happy but also apprehensive.

"The bag's for you."

"Really? Is it books?!" She asked, unable to contain her eagerness. She had been upset with Kaneki when he had told her about the meeting. They had planned on going to that book signing. It had been the one thing Hinami had been looking forward to all week; not only would it have gotten her out of the house, she had hoped it would cheer Kaneki up. They had all been worried about him. He had been so broken up about what he had done to Banjou (no one would tell her specifics, but she wasn't stupid; she figured out what had happened). Flower Man had said something to Kaneki that got him moving and leaving his room but it was the meeting that had brought him out of his depression.

"Some of it is," Kaneki said, voice faint. "Let's go to your room to look at all of it."

"Ok?" Hinami wasn't sure why it mattered where she opened the gift but she followed Kaneki up to her room. He let her through first and shut the door behind them. She sat on her bed, nervous and curious. Why was he acting so strange if it was just a gift?

"Before I give this to you, I'm going to tell you who I met with today." Kaneki said, walking over and sitting on the bed with her. "I went to see a Dove."

Fear devoured her curiosity.

"What?" Hinami asked, "I don't understand, Big Brother. You went to see a . . .?" She trailed off and paled at his nod. Before she knew it, she was on top of him, hitting him and screaming.

"Stupid Kaneki!" She yelled, tears streaming down her face. Doves. Investigators. Blood everywhere. In the streets. In the rain. On mom's dress. Mom on the ground. Mom smiling. Mom-

-gone.

"What were you thinking?!" She asked, as arms surround her in a tight hug. "You could've- they could've attacked you and taken you away! Or killed you! Stop being so reckless, brother!"

Her tears were soaking his shirt but he didn't let her go. She missed how he used to be. She missed the quiet boy that had walked in on her eating; the one that had gotten excited when he saw her reading _Monochrome Rainbow_. The boy that had taught her kanji and how beautiful words could be.

But he's not that boy anymore; not completely, and she had to accept that. He came out of that building alive but cold. She hears him at night when he's trying to sleep, muttering about centipedes and counting backwards. He begs sometimes, but what he's begging for, even she can't decipher.

"Sorry." He tells her, voice soothing as he runs a hand through her hair. "That's why I didn't tell anyone. I didn't want you guys following me. If it had been a trap, I would have escaped. It wasn't. I'm. . .familiar with the man I met with."

"Familiar?" She asked, sitting up and rubbing away her tears. "What do you mean by that?"

"I fought him before. He was the one I held off when Touka was fighting his partner." Kaneki said and Hinami tensed at the revelation. She remembers the cackling old mad with the strange eyes and sunken cheeks. After he had killed her mom, she had spent her nights dreaming he would kill _her_. She doesn't dream anymore but she still remembers them; her running in the dark as his laughter follows her from behind. He sounds so far away but when she trips, he's upon her in seconds, still grinning – always grinning – holding that awful weapon ( _Dad_ ) above his head.

 _"Poor Fueguchi,"_ He coos, swinging his weapon down. _"No last words for you."_

She always woke up gasping after that part. She had never screamed and she was glad for that; everyone had already been so worried about her, she didn't want to add to that. She had known she was safe at Anteiku.

The other investigator she didn't remember well. She wrinkled her brow in concentration. He had been tall, she remembers that. Tall with dark hair? She shook her head. It was no good. She had only met him once and he hadn't been a memorable presence.

"He understands," Kaneki said. "He understands that not every ghoul wants to kill for fun. He didn't used to believe that. When we fought, he was very angry with ghouls. He asked me how we could kill innocent people so calmly; how we could orphan children without a care."

Hinami jolted at the words. Her dad had been the one who had brought home the food. _'Remember, Hinami, if you have to kill someone, try to pick a person who's childless. No one deserves to have their parent taken away like that.'_ He had lectured her more than once and she had always nodded solemnly in reply. In truth, she hadn't really understood why he told her that. He was the one who did the hunting, not her.

Then the CCG caught wind and killed him. She saw his words in a new light and understood.

"I tried to show him he was wrong; that not every ghoul thought that way." Kaneki said. "It sorta worked. There was something else that swayed his opinion but that first encounter planted the seed."

"What was the other thing, Big Brother?" Hinami asked and immediately regretted it. Her question made his expression go blank and he gripped the bed. He took a calming breath before answering.

"It's not something I want you to see. It's not good; it would only make you unhappy." He told her with a small smile.

He always tries to smile for her, even when he's sad. She wishes he wouldn't. She wishes she had the courage to say, _'It's ok, Big Brother. You don't have to smile if you're not happy. You can cry, brother. I won't tell a soul.'_

Somehow, she knows if she tried saying those words, he would deflect her with that same smile and the reassurance that he was fine.

"The man I met today was different from the one I fought." Kaneki said, setting the bag on her lap. "He wanted you to have this. He also wanted me to pass on how deeply sorry he is."

She's afraid to look in the bag. A part of her mind is screaming, _'TRAP, TRAP, IT'S A TRAP!'_

What if it was pictures of her parents being turned into weapons? What if there was a tracking device attached somewhere and the CCG were on their way right now to exterminate them?

No, she trusted Kaneki. He would never let that happen. He probably checked whatever was in the bag very carefully to make sure it was genuine. Her fingers trembled as she undid the bag's knot. She's scared, so scared of what a Dove would want to give her. It can't be good. It can't be. But Kaneki says it is and he's her Big Brother, so she has to believe that whatever's in this bag is good.

The knot's undone. She peaks in.

Vision blurs as she picks up two well-loved books in her trembling hands.

They were the first work books her parents had bought her so she could learn to read and write. She thumbs through them, looking back at how childish her handwriting had been. But she had been proud when she had written that first word and understood what it meant. She had loved every minute those strange symbols gained meaning. It had been a slow process in the beginning but her mom and dad kept encouraging her. Now, it's Kaneki who encourages her when the kanji doesn't make sense.

She sets the books down gently, looks back in the bag and picks up a necklace. The silver chain's cool against her fingers as she holds it up. The four-leaf clover charm hanging in the middle glinted in the light. The kanji for luck was engraved in the middle. She hadn't known that before. This had been one of her mother's favorite necklaces. Dad had bought it for her when they'd begun dating. Mom had joked about it a million times. _'He thought if I could see how lucky he was, I'd fall in love with him.'_ She would tell Hinami with a giggle and her father would respond, _'No, it was to show your mother how lucky I felt that she gave me a chance.'_

The chain is long and she loops it over her neck. The clover rests over her heart.

The pen was next. It was blue like the ocean and she remembers her father using it with a flourish to sign thousands of letters. It was the pen that had started the spark; it was the reason she had wanted to learn to write. She had wanted to make that pen dance across papers, leaving a smooth maze of ink in its wake. Every time she had tried, she had only left ink blots. Her father had laughed and told her it took practice. One day, when she had a steadier hand, he would teach her.

She sets it on her books.

There are two things left in the bag. They're small and heavy. She grabs them and as she opens her palm, the tears spill over.

She had always thought her mom's wedding ring was the prettiest ring in the world. It was a brilliant gold that had a tiny little pearl perched on top. She had tried to wear it before but it had always slipped off her fingers; her father's even more so. His ring was the same color as her mom's but it had slightly rougher texture that made her rub her thumb over it.

She had never thought she'd see these rings again.

She clutches the rings in her hand and clings to Kaneki, crying in the same spot she had made damp earlier.

"Thank you," She hiccups. "Thank you for bringing these back. I- I forgot what the rings had looked like. How c-could I f. . .forget?" She stutters out, ashamed of her faulty memory.

Kaneki hums softly and waits for her to calm down.

"It's ok that you forgot what they look like, it doesn't mean that you were forgetting your parents." He tells her, striking down her secret fear. "You still remember your mom and dad. You still remember how they acted, what they loved and what they didn't, right?" She nodded silently. "Want to know a secret?"

"What?"

"I don't remember what my mom's burgers tasted like. I just know they were my favorite meal. But I still remember her."

Hinami blinks at the confession. Kaneki never talked about his parents. This is the first time he's mentioned his mom but she's wondered about it before. Were they alive? Dead? Did they know he was half-ghoul and not care? Or did he not tell them?

"What are your parents like?" She asks before she could stop herself.

"I don't remember my dad. He died when I was 4." Kaneki said after a moment and Hinami felt her eyes water again. She, at least, had good memories of her dad. Kaneki never had a chance to remember his. "But, he left behind a lot of books. He's the reason I started reading. When I read his books, it felt like I was having a conversation with him. It took some time; the stuff he read wasn't for kids."

Hinami smiled as she imagined Kaneki as a small child trying to read a bunch of books beyond his reading level.

"Now my mom, she was a hard worker." He said. "She was always working 2 or 3 different jobs so we could live well. Then, she would sit with me and teach me all the kanji I didn't understand."

"She sounds nice." Hinami said.

"She was." Kaneki told her and Hinami's heart breaks for him.

She didn't ask how she died.

They sit in the quiet of her room and slowly, sleep drags her eyelids down.

She woke up hours later to the sound of muffled voices arguing. Kaneki is gone; he had tucked her in. She sits up, still dazed, listening to the voices downstairs.

 _"- can't be trusted-"_

 _". . .from a Dove!"_

 _"Be reasonable, Kaneki. . ."_

 _"Why is your coffee so damn good?"_

She giggles at the last statement and gets up. Before she leaves, she makes a small change to her mom's necklace.

She heads downstairs, ready to defend her Big Brother, two rings clicking against the lucky clover that rests over her heart.

* * *

 **A/N: Hope you guys liked it. If you spot any mistakes, please let me know!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Important: There is talk (talk only) of suicide in this chapter.**

* * *

They had planned for it to be gradual. Both Amon and Hide knew Kaneki wouldn't come to another meeting if he knew Hide would be there, so the plan had been for Amon to wear him down. The next meeting would be about how Amon wanted to help Kaneki change the world and what that would entail. The meeting after that would be about the same topic, but Amon would mention finding humans that would support Kaneki. If Kaneki was in favor of it, Amon would drop Hide's name into the conversation. If Kaneki was averse to bringing in more help, Amon would stay quiet and continue to subtly nudge Kaneki in the right direction until he was ready to meet Hide again. It would be a slow process but they had time.

Until they didn't.

Amon slammed his front door open with astonishing force. He stormed into his kitchen, ignoring the sound of his television that he forgot to turn off before he left for work this morning. There was a far bigger problem on his mind than what his electricity bill might look like this month. Flinging the papers down on his table, he looked at words he had read a hundred times over, ignoring the soft click of his door shutting and Hide walking into his kitchen.

It was a new assignment. Same format as every other one he had ever received. Same font, same black ink, same white paper. It was the same but it changed everything; all their planning had just been blown away in one fell swoop.

The Owl Execution Plan.

It was all there, detailing the upcoming raid on Anteiku. New information had been found, indicating that Owl was using the coffee shop as its hideout. The raid was set for the end of July. That gave the investigators time to put their affairs in order. Amon looked at the small white slip of paper that was to become his last testament and resisted the urge to rip it up. This was all wrong. He didn't care about any of this anymore.

(A small part of him, the part that saw his friend dismembered by Father, still despises ghouls. That part insists that this new information about Owl is a good thing. It whispers in his ear that Kaneki was probably in cahoots with the vicious creature. Anteiku is a monster's den that needs to be eradicated. For justice.

Amon strangles that part of him until it's silenced. It didn't know a damn thing about justice.)

This new mission was worrying in more ways than one. It was large scale so even part-timers like Hide were being assigned to it. There would be a lot of prep work which got in the way of Amon and Hide's plans to team up with Kaneki. Worse, Amon had no idea how to break the news to Kaneki. He would- there was no way he would keep this from him- he just wasn't sure how he'd put it into words.

"What are we going to do?" Amon asked. He was thinking out loud but Hide answered him.

"We're going to stick with our original plan and team up with Kaneki. We'll just have to make some minor adjustments."

"Minor adjustments? Such as?"

Hide shrugged and gave a sheepish smile. "Well, really, the only thing we need to change is letting him know I'm directly involved now. Slowly introducing the idea was ideal, but the CCG cut our time short. I was hoping you could meet with him a few more times to talk him around but that's impossible now. We're going to have to speed things up and tell him. I have an idea on how to go about that."

"I don't think he's going to like that. He's not going to like many things we're going to tell him." Amon said after a moment of mulling it over. "I remember the voicemail. Kaneki was happy you were safe. I don't claim to know him well, but is telling him without any forewarning a good idea?"

"Amon, if you give him any forewarning that I'm involved, he'll cut ties so fast we'll never see him again."

"Why? I know he wants you to stay safe but I don't understand why he doesn't want to see you. You're his best friend, right? Shouldn't he be happy you're trying to help him?" Amon asked, running a hand through his hair. He was trying to keep his frustration with the situation from becoming anger. "Aren't you upset?"

Hide smiled at him.

"No, not really." He said and Amon did not bother to hide his shock at the easy response. "In the beginning, when this whole ghoul thing started and he began to drift away from me, I was hurt. It felt like he had gone somewhere I couldn't follow- somewhere he wouldn't let me follow. But I've never been one to stew over perceived slights. Did it feel like I was losing my best friend? Yes. Did that hurt? Hell yes it did but, Amon, Kaneki's not a shallow person. He's a dork, he's shy, he's a bookworm, and he cherishes the people he loves more than anything else- even books." Hide chuckled but it was a low, sad sound. "That guy. . . the way he was raised, he always puts the people he loves before himself. I could hit his mom for teaching him that. On the surface, it sounds like a good trait – maybe even a romantic one – but in reality, it causes an unbalance in his relationship with others."

"Unbalance?"

"Yeah, relationships are all about giving and taking, y'know?" Hide clicked his tongue. "Regardless of what type of relationship it is, there should always be a balance between the two. Nobody wants to be around a person who just takes without offering anything in return. It's damaging and unfair. It's the same for the other side. People see a person who always gives without asking for anything in return and they take advantage of that." Hide scowled. "The first year of high school really sucked for both of us. The other kids saw how nice Kaneki was and tried to take advantage of him. Kaneki's not stupid; a lot of times he stood up for himself, but that was only to the kids who were blunt and blatantly ordered him around. Kids that took a more sly approach by trying to become his friend got a lot further but not for long."

"Why?"

"Because then they dealt with _me_." Hide smiled and Amon shivered. Hide noticed and let out a startled laugh. "Oh man, that sounds bad doesn't it? I'm not a psycho, Amon, honest. Sorry, I got a little dramatic, huh? All I meant was that I spoke with those kids and told 'em to back off. Sometimes that wasn't enough and I got into a few fights for Kaneki. Man, he hated that but I wasn't going to let people take advantage of him. Not then and not now if I can help it."

"He's changed, Hide." Amon said. "He won't let people control him." At least, it didn't seem like Kaneki would. He certainly put his guard up the moment he thought Amon had been trying get information about other ghouls from him. That checkered room had forced him to become strong; in his fight to survive, Kaneki had forged himself into something formidable. Amon highly doubted anyone could make Kaneki do something he didn't want to do.

"Yeah, he probably won't cave anymore but he's still Kaneki." Hide said. "I know why he's staying away from me; he's afraid that if I get involved in his problems, I'll get eaten or tortured. If he thinks there's any possibility that someone he loves is in danger, he'll do everything he can to save them. Even if it means never seeing them again. He's a bit stupid when it comes to that sort of stuff."

Amon wanted to protest and say that it wasn't stupid. Ghouls were dangerous creatures- his stance on that had never changed even if his heart had. Amon had seen what a vengeful ghoul could do. There was a reason why many investigators were single or only dated other investigators. He could understand why Kaneki wanted Hide to stay away from the ghoul world but, at this point, it was too late. Hide knew too much- had probably known too much before he had even joined the CCG.

"Hey, wanna know a secret?" Hide said. There was a devious smile on his face that made Amon wary. "I think it'll help if you know."

"What is it?"

"If Kaneki touches his chin like this while he's talking," Hide made a gesture eerily similar to the one Kaneki had made when they had spoken about suicide. "It means he's hiding something."

"Hiding something?"

"He does it when he doesn't want people to worry about him." Hide confessed. "Sometimes he's straight up lying. Other times, he's just agreeing to appease whoever he's talking to. You wouldn't expect it from a guy like him. He's sneaky like that."

Amon went pale.

"Amon? Is something wrong?" Hide asked when Amon failed to respond.

Amon didn't want to tell him. He didn't want to tell Hide that Kaneki had made that gesture. He didn't want to admit out loud that the person he thought was so strong might be teetering on the edge of a breaking point. Suicide wasn't a subject Amon liked to think about. He had known too many people who had fallen to its siren call. Most of them were investigators who had become haunted by what they witnessed on the job. He had read more than one suicide note apologizing for not being able to save someone. When he was still a student at the academy, some kids in his class had killed themselves. The instructors had covered it up, but Amon was told the truth when he had become an investigator. One of his first jobs was sorting through academy files. The ones from his class hadn't been the first nor were they the last. All those kids that had 'moved to another ward' were six feet under, rotting in a small cemetery not far from the academy grounds; nameless and quiet, forgotten by the world.

He doesn't want that for Kaneki.

"I don't understand." He said at last. "I- he's so strong! Why would he want to do that?"

"Do what? You're not making sense."

"Suicide!" Amon yelled and began to pace. "Last time we spoke, we were talking about a book. One of the characters in it killed himself and Kaneki said he felt he was a lot like that character. I asked him, I said, 'You wouldn't kill yourself, would you?' and he said no. He said no but he touched his chin! God, if I had known – I wouldn't have let him leave. I don't understand; he's overcome so much. He crawled out of hell, Hide. He fought for his freedom and he fought to get the answers he was looking for. Why would he even consider suicide? Look at what he's done! He should be, he should be happy, right?" Amon asked, whirling around to look at Hide.

Hide was quiet. The only sound in Amon's apartment was the soft sound of his television in the next room and the sound of muffled traffic below. Finally, Hide spoke.

"I understand where you're coming from and why you might think that, but Kaneki – remember what I told you? He gives and he gives and he _gives_. He'd even sacrifice his own life if he thought it would protect what he loves. Some would call that brave; some would call it suicidal.

"I think people get the wrong idea when they talk about suicide. Everyone has this stereotypical image in their head of what it looks like. They think it's a depressed person who cuts themselves or overdoses on pills. They're not wrong; lots of people kill themselves because of depression and most of them use methods like that. Cutting, pills, drowning, hanging, guns, cars, jumping. . .there's a lot of ways for a person to take themselves out of this world.

"But suicide, I think, isn't that simple. Not everyone kills themselves because they're depressed. It can happen for multiple reasons. And I think there's a stage before suicide that people forget about or aren't aware of. I'm not sure what you would call it. All I know is there are people out there that are tired, that are unhappy. People that wake up wishing they were dead but don't have the energy to do it. People that, if you held a gun to their head they'd tell you to pull the trigger. It's apathy in its purest form.

"And then there're people like Kaneki. People who smile and laugh and care about other people to an exhausting extent. People who try their best but still feel worthless; who put others before them to the point that it's almost selfish. Kaneki's not going to kill himself- not in the way you're thinking, Amon. He's not going to fling himself off a building ledge or overdose on sleeping pills. Would he kill himself? Yes, I think he would, but only because he was trying to protect someone he loved."

"Suicide by cop." Amon whispered.

"By investigator, yes." Hide sighed. "If this was a game of chess, Kaneki would be the Queen; the most important piece. For us, at least. He wouldn't think so. He would think he's a pawn and he's not afraid to sacrifice himself, which is why we need to talk to him before he hears about the Anteiku raid. He cares about that place and the people in it. If he finds out on his own what's coming, he'll be there during the raid doing everything in his power protect Anteiku."

"He'll probably be there even after we tell him." Amon pointed out.

"No he won't." Hide said with conviction.

"He's going to want to protect Anteiku regardless of where he gets the information." Amon said, brow furrowed in confusion. Why was Hide so confident they could stop Kaneki from going?

"True, but he won't go. Not if my idea works." Hide said.

"What idea?"

"Ah, now that would be telling!" Hide said with a laugh. Amon resisted smacking the back of his head. This wasn't a game. Lives were going to be on the line. "I still need to do a little more research; I'll explain at the next meeting. Don't worry about it right now, Amon. Contact Kaneki. Tell him you want to meet him at your apartment the next time he's free. He trusts you enough to meet you in a private. Say you have info he needs to hear as soon as possible. Text me the time and I'll show up a little after you guys start talking but don't tell him I'm coming."

"You're planning on ambushing him." Amon said, trying his best not sound accusing. He wasn't going to stop Hide so he didn't have room to judge.

"Yup!"

"Fine, but if this blows up in our face, I'm blaming you, Nagachika." Amon told him, clearly annoyed. Hide, being Hide, just laughed as he made his way toward the entrance.

"Will do! I have class soon, so I'll see you later. Text me what I need to know!" Hide told him as he opened the front door and left before Amon could get another word in.

"This isn't going to end well. This isn't going to end well." Amon repeated under his breath as he took out his phone and shot off a quick text to Kaneki.

 _'Kaneki, I've received important information that you need to hear as soon as possible. It'll be easier to explain in person. Would you be willing to meet me at my apartment? I don't want anyone overhearing this. Please let me know when you're available to meet.'_

Amon stared at his phone, waiting for Kaneki to respond. After 5 minutes, he gave up. He wandered around his apartment like a lost soul, uncertain of how to get rid of his pent up energy. He was too distracted to watch television or read. He tried straightening up his living room but couldn't keep focus. In the end, he went into his default mode and began doing push-ups. The more he did, the more focused he became. So engrossed in the rhythm and counting, he didn't hear his phone go off. An hour and 200 push-ups later, he walked back into his kitchen to grab a bottle of water. Glancing at his phone, all his worries came back to him. Opening it up he saw Kaneki had responded. After firing off his address in a quick text to Kaneki, Amon sent a message to Hide.

 _'Two days from now, 7pm. My place. This better work.'_

Hide responded almost instantaneously.

 _'It will. Have a little faith, Amon.'_

* * *

Two stressful days later, Amon's serving coffee to the half- ghoul sitting on his couch. It was surreal and he still can't believe Kaneki trusted him enough to meet him in his apartment. Kaneki had shown up right at 7. He was dressed in all black but he looked better than the last time Amon had seen him. He seemed less tired but still more serious than anyone his age should be.

"Thank you for the coffee," Kaneki said before taking a sip. By the look on his face, it wasn't the best tasting brew he'd ever had but he was graceful enough not to mention it. "You have information for me?"

"Yes," Amon said, sitting down across from him. "Before we get to that, I wanted to talk to you about something you mentioned last time we spoke." He took a deep breath. "About changing the world. You still want that, right?"

"Yes, I still want that."

"So do I." Amon smiled at the way Kaneki's eyebrows rose at his statement. It was the only part of him that showed his shock. "I want to help you. I want to bridge the gap."

Kaneki blinked at him.

"Why?" Kaneki asked after a moment of silence.

"I've been thinking since our last meeting and just passing information back and forth won't be enough. All that will do is make both sides realize that someone's leaking things they shouldn't. I don't know what ghouls do to them, but the CCG executes traitors." Amon tried to smile. "Which I am."

"It's the same with ghouls. With the exception of Aogiri, ghouls don't really have structured organizations, but word of mouth reaches pretty far." Kaneki sighed. "But I don't see how we can go beyond trading information. My group still thinks I'm crazy for trusting you. It'd be one thing if we could find a way to get that synthetic meat to the community but the CCG would never do that. Even if the other people who have seen the tapes feel sympathy for me, I doubt their overall views have changed. I guess it's just you and me."

"Actually," Right then there was a knock on the door. Amon looked at Kaneki and mentally prayed he wouldn't bolt. "There is one more person."

As he went to open the door, he saw Kaneki's eyes go from confused to horrified. He had already connected the dots and figured out who was on the other side of that door.

"Yo, Kaneki! Been awhile, huh?" Hide said as he walked into the room.

The reaction was instantaneous. Kaneki stood up and turned around so Amon and Hide could only see his trembling back.

"Y-You shouldn't be here Hide." Kaneki whispered.

"Probably." Hide said as he sat his backpack on the floor and walked towards Kaneki. Amon shut the door and stayed silent. "But I'd be a pretty shitty best friend if I didn't try to help you out, don't cha think?" He clapped Kaneki on the back in a friendly manner and the other physically jerked away.

"No. No, it's not safe! I'm dangerous. You need to leave. Please, you need to- hey! Stop that! Hide!" Kaneki yelped as Hide caught him in a chokehold and proceeded to give him a noogie.

"Nope. Not going anywhere; I've already learned this club's secret handshake. Sorry, you'll just have to deal. By the way, what's with all the black? Want to borrow my yellow jacket to bring some color back into your life? It looks like you need it."

Amon watched on in amusement as an SS ranked ghoul was overpowered by a scrawny human. Kaneki could have broken Hide's hold on him at any time, but in doing so he would end up hurting Hide and Amon had a feeling Kaneki would never forgive himself if that happened. The two tussled for a little longer before Kaneki finally caved.

"Fine! I'll listen to what you have to say. Just let me go." Kaneki grumbled and Hide released him.

"See? Isn't so much easier when you just agree with me?" Hide asked, snickering.

"I said I'd listen, I didn't say I agreed with you." Kaneki countered, glaring at both Hide and Amon as he sat back down. "That was low, ambushing me like that."

"Would you be here if Amon had told you beforehand that I was going to come?"

"No."

"See? The ambush was unavoidable."

"I still don't like it." Kaneki said, dropping his glare and sighing in exhaustion. "I wish you hadn't involved yourself in this, Hide. You're putting yourself in danger."

"Ha! Well, funny thing, actually," Hide said with a nervous laugh. "Did you know that when you're promoted to Investigation Assistant, all the perks of being safe go out the window? So you see, even if I wasn't meeting with you, I'm still in danger."

"What?" Kaneki asked, gaze sharp.

"Yeah, better pay but more chances of dying. That's why Amon and I needed to meet with you." Hide said, digging through his backpack and handing Kaneki a folder. "Read this."

Kaneki flipped open the folder and scanned through the papers with astonishing speed. Amon noted that the more he read, the paler he became. Kaneki dropped the papers onto the table and looked up. He was tense and he had a panicked expression on his face.

"At the end of this month?" He croaked out and both Amon and Hide nodded. "I have to warn them. They need to know." Kaneki muttered and was about to get up but Hide stopped him.

"I agree, the Anteiku staff should be made aware of the upcoming raid, but it can wait 'til we're done talking." Kaneki looked torn and ready to argue but seemed to have thought better of it.

"Ok, yeah, you're right." Kaneki said after a moment. He took a deep breath and calmed himself. "Go ahead, I'm listening."

"Amon told me you want everyone to live peacefully. You're still up for that, right?"

"Of course, but it's not going to happen anytime soon." Kaneki said and Hide clicked his tongue and shook his head.

"Dude, look at who's sitting across from you. You got me, a regular human. Before I joined the CCG, I had the same public perception of ghouls as everyone else. You got Amon here, a guy that probably hated ghouls longer than either of us have been alive."

"Not quite that long, but close enough." Amon interjected. He did his best not to roll his eyes at Hide's dramatics.

"Kaneki, you already have two people on your side ready and willing to help you out. I think we can increase that number."

"How? Unless we can figure out a way to feed ghouls without killing humans, we're not going to gain many supporters." Kaneki pointed out.

"So let's not start with ghouls." Hide said. "We'll start something the public can sympathize with: you."

Amon looked at Hide in shock and Kaneki froze.

"Are you suggesting we show the tapes to the public? Absolutely not. That's a breach of Kaneki's privacy and it shouldn't be spread across the evening news." Amon snarled and Hide put his hands up in a placating gesture.

"What?! No, not those! I'm talking about Kanou and his experiments." Hide said. "I would never release those tapes."

"I don't see how telling the public about Kanou is going to help." Kaneki put in quietly.

"For one, the sensationalism will grab everyone's attention. He was in the news a few months ago for being arrested but the hospital played it off as a case of mistaken identity. Imagine how people will react when news breaks out that the good doctor was performing human experimentation. The CCG currently estimates that Kanou has over 300 victims. That's 300 people who probably have loved ones wondering what happened to them. This kind of story will snowball. Getting people to sympathize with half-ghouls is the first step to getting them to sympathize with ghouls."

Amon bit the inside of his cheek as he mulled the idea over in his head. It was certainly an interesting approach but it was also a gamble. There was a chance the public would turn against ghouls and half-ghouls. As he thought over Hide's suggestion, something struck him as odd and he looked at the blond.

"Kanou's case was classified. I know for a fact you don't have access to its files." He glared at Hide. "You shouldn't know any of the specifics you just mentioned."

"I don't have access but Marude does." Hide said with a wicked grin.

"Hide!" Amon fought back the urge to strangle the other. If it was found out he had been using Marude's clearance card to read classified information, jail would be the least of Hide's problems.

"Don't worry about it, Amon. Marude should keep a better eye on his card. Shame on him for being so careless."

"I doubt that's what others will think when you get caught!"

Hide sighed.

"Every day, Marude goes for an afternoon motorcycle ride. From 1-2:30 PM, he's out of his office but keeps all his personal items on his desk. His office is left open in case people need to leave him notes or grab files off his desk. He trusts that no one is going to use his card and that's his fault."

Amon was about to argue when Kaneki spoke up.

"Sympathy won't be enough, Hide. It's a start and releasing Kanou's crimes might help but sympathy's not the same as understanding."

"True, but it will get them thinking and that's what we want. We want them interested and curious- we want them to go out and learn about ghouls on their own." Here, Hide frowned. "That's where we'll run into a problem because a lot of stuff that's written about ghouls is blatantly biased."

Kaneki gasped. "Stories!"

"What?"

"We need stories from ghouls. Stories about the hardships they've faced; about living as hunted beings. People have only heard one side of the story. Let's give them the other side and then they can make their judgments." Kaneki said with an excited smile. Amon was stuck by the sight- he had never seen Kaneki so animated. The other was practically buzzing with energy.

"Can you do that?" Amon asked. Suddenly, he saw why these two were such good friends. Both were surprisingly optimistic about the strangest things. "I can't see many ghouls willing to come forward to tell the world what they've been through. Too much exposure."

"But they won't need to come forward or give their names. That's the beauty of the internet and blogs." Kaneki said, still smiling.

"Ooohhhh, that's a good idea!" Hide said, giving Kaneki a high-five. "Starting a blog detailing the lives of ghouls. . .that'll definitely gain attention. You'll get a lot of people calling you a fake but people will read it regardless."

"The CCG would track you down." Amon cautioned them. "That sort of blog would be seen as aiding ghouls. It would also hurt the CCG's image if a ghoul talked about any run-ins with investigators."

"Ah, but they can only track you down if they have your IP address or server. If Kaneki posts at internet cafes or libraries, he should be good. Even then, I know how to get around that sort of stuff, so he could use my laptop if he needs to." Hide said with a grin. "C'mon, we can do this! We can change the world and we can do it without resorting to violence."

"Anteiku." Kaneki remembered, losing all his excitement. "If this raid happens, it doesn't matter what we release to the public."

"Unless we do it before the raid happens." Hide replied. "Releasing classified info like that will blindside the CCG. They're gonna wanna know how it got out and who leaked it. Not only that, they'll have to deal with the backlash."

"Why would there be a backlash against the CCG?" Amon asked. "We're the ones who arrested Kanou."

"And he still got away. Doesn't matter that you guys put him in jail- the only thing people will care about is that you failed to keep him there. There's also the fact that people will find out he used to work for the CCG. Once they find that out, you better believe accusations will fly. 'How could you not know he was monster? Why didn't you stop him? There's no way you didn't know!' Mob mentality will take care of the CCG and keep 'em busy. So busy, they might not have time to execute a raid while repairing their image."

"I think you're over exaggerating how far the consequences of releasing Kanou's crimes will go." Amon said dryly. "The CCG has been trying to take Owl down for years. They won't let this chance slip by, reputation with the public be damned."

"Ok, so we'll have to do a little sabotaging. Lose important formation plans, cut the electricity to the research lab so they can't work on the weapons, slash tires the night before the raid; small stuff like that."

"I'd say that's more than a little sabotage. It's extremely risky- if we're caught, we're dead." Amon said and groaned when Hide gave him a smile and a peace-sign.

"If they find out what we're doing now, we're also dead. Might as well go big."

"Um," Kaneki cut in, "I may know someone who could hack into the CCGs system. A friend of a friend." He blushed when they both looked at him in surprise. "No promises they'll do it but they might."

"Sweet! And hey, if we release all that stuff to the news as soon as possible, we may not need to sabatoge anything." Hide stood up. "I'll just edit out your name and make copies. Wham, bam, social reform, here we come!"

"I doubt it will be that simple, Hide." Kaneki laughed. "But it's a start."

Amon could feel the happy grin forming on his face. This was completely insane. The chances of this working were slim but these two had infected him with their optimism. There was still a part of him screaming that they were all going to get caught and die a painful death, but it was slowly being suffocated by the hope he felt.

Kaneki was right. It wouldn't be simple and it wouldn't be easy, but it was a start.

* * *

The next day, Amon found himself wondering what the hell he was thinking. All his enthusiasm had left him, leaving him with a grim reality.

It's nerve racking, what he's doing now. He's a traitor to the organization that had taken him in. He had given away vital information and he was about to do a lot more damage to stop this raid from happening. He takes in all the people he works with and realizes he loves them. He respects them and wants the best for them but this place and its teachings are toxic. The tapes had ripped away all the sweet lies and sometimes he wonders if any of the others regret watching them. Even so many months after, he'll see something and it will take him back to them. Checkered floors make him sick; when he sees a bug, a scream echoes in his ear. It doesn't happen often but it's still jarring.

Sometime, he thinks he can see the effects of the tapes on some of his coworkers.

Shinohara's been seen reading psychology books. Something to do while his injuries heal, he said with smile, rearranging a small pot of flowers on his desk. Nasty rumors spread around the office that he was trying to 'fix' Juuzou. Admittedly, the boy wasn't the most stable person out there, and Shinohara probably had studied quite a few books before taking the boy under his wing, but he would never be so callous. Amon's seen his notes; seen that he's bookmarked pages about post-traumatic stress. Shinohara's desk has slowly become home to books about psychology, mental disorders and ghouls.

(Amon knows who he's thinking of. It's hard to hold back; to not tell the other man that Kaneki is doing better.)

Seidou always seems pale these days but Amon knows that's because of the raid. He is a good investigator but this is a death sentence. Amon had considered asking Marude to re-assign Seidou but he didn't have a good reason and Seidou would never forgive him. The other had his pride.

(He also had his fears, Amon found out one late night as he took a drunk Seidou back home.

"Heeey, Amon. Did I ever tells yah? Why I became a – a, that thing that I am?" Seidou had slurred out.

"No. You haven't told me."

"Hah ha! I-It's stupid. My mom. She's scared of ghouls. I don't want her to be afraid." Seidou sniffled. "I's tolds her I'd p-protect her and here I am!" He ended with a hiccup and a laugh.

"That's admirable of you." Amon said softly as they came to Seidou's front entrance. He managed to wrangle the keys out of Seidou's pocket and opened the door.

"Nooooo. It's not. I, uh, I never tolds her I was scared too. E-Even before applying. I wanted to be b-brave."

"You are brave."

Seidou shook his head.

"Nots like you. Or Akira. Or Arima. You guys are beyond me. I c-can't keep up. Maybe this raid will get me promoted. Mom would be so proud. I-I don't talk to her much, but she'd be proud." Seidou said as Amon led him to his bedroom. Seidou fell onto his bed with a giggle before going silent.

Amon took off Seidou's shoes and situated him so he wasn't hanging off the bed. Being familiar with hangovers himself, Amon made sure the blinds were shut and that there was a glass of water and aspirin on Seidou's nightstand. As he turned to leave, Seidou grabbed his sleeve.

"'M not gonna get a p-promotion am I?" He whispered, voice hoarse.

"Of course you will."

"N-no. I'm gonna die. J-just cannon fodder. A-Another sack of meat so people like A-A-Akira can succeed. I d-don't wanna die." Seidou confessed and Amon saw tears streaming down his face. "D-Don't tells anyone. It's a secret. I'm not supposed to be afraid."

"I won't tell a soul." Amon promised and Seidou let him go.

"I wonder if Kaneki felt this sad in that room." Was the last thing Amon heard as he shut the door.)

Amon kept Shinohara and Seidou in the back of his mind. He doubts they would betray the CCG but, then again, Amon hadn't thought he would either. So he keeps track of them and reminds himself to mention their names to Hide and Kaneki next time they meet for their opinions on the matter.

Akira and Juuzou were a different story. Both still killed ghouls with vigor. Still, there was a softening around them. Juuzou didn't laugh as loud when he tortured ghouls that crossed his path. Akira was still ruthless but she began to kill ghouls quickly instead of the long painful deaths she once preferred to give. Amon wouldn't try to recruit Akira or Juuzou but he saw their small changes and that made him smile.

Marude and Arima he didn't even bother to think about. Both were high above him and Amon wasn't stupid. Marude would kill him and Arima- Arima was an enigma; he scared him. Amon couldn't read him.

A few days after their meeting, Amon got ahold of the tape with Kanou's confession on it. Hide claimed he could do it but Amon didn't want to risk Hide getting caught. He didn't care what the other said about using Marude's clearance card, it was safer for Amon to try. He waited until most the employees left before getting it. He quickly handed it off to Hide and the boy returned it to him the next day.

"It's not done yet." Hide told him, slurping around his noodles as they ate at Chi-Chi's. "I used a VCR converter to convert it to DVD format. I'll edit it on my laptop tonight and burn several copies. I think I'll release bits and pieces of it on the internet first; just to get the interest going. Getting pictures of the documents would be great but let's not push it."

"Ok, but tell Kaneki. I don't want him to be browsing and stumble upon the clips without knowing."

"Already cleared it with him."

One week before the Owl Execution Plan was scheduled, the CCG's phones were ringing off the hook. Call after call of people wanting to know about Kanou. Marude could be seen fuming and storming the halls. Amon and Shinohara had to hold him back from picking up phones to yell at people. The confession had been leaked onto the internet and the news had picked it up. Everyone was asking them the same question: Where was Kanou?

The fervor died down after two days but came back with a vengeance when the full confession was provided to the media.

"A god dammed traitor." Amon heard Marude mutter under his breath more than once. "We've got a god dammed traitor among us and when I find them, I'm gonna. . ." The rest was lost in an angry grumble and Amon was glad for it.

Hide had been right, the confession took more of the CCG's attention than Amon thought it would. Still, there was no notice that the raid would be postponed, so they upped the ante.

Copies of classified documents were finding their way to the media. Someone hacked into the CCG's database, scrambling information and the research facility found its power line cut. Suffice to say, it was not a good week for anyone at the CCG.

This included Amon and Hide. Both were being run ragged. Amon had been assigned to help weed out the traitor and Hide had been rushing papers back on forth between departments. Security had been heightened, making it harder for them to make any moves without looking suspicious.

(Amon already had a close call with Arima. He had just finished shredding some papers when Arima had walked into the room. For one brief moment, Amon saw death as Arima looked at him. He was certain the other would demand to know what he was shredding.

"Have you seen the battle schematics for Owl? Marude told me he had sent them to me but I can't find them. I thought my secretary might have left them in here by accident."

"No, I haven't seen them. Sorry, Special Class Investigator Arima." Amon said, body stiff. He had snagged the schematics off the secretary's desk this morning. If Arima looked in the shred bin, he'd find them and it'd be all over for Amon.

He stood there, feeling death breathing down his neck.

Arima nodded, said good day, went on his way and Amon could breathe again.

He stuffed the shreds in his suitcase and burned them at home.)

Kaneki, when they could contact him, was having an equally hard time on his end. Aogiri was causing problems, the Anteiku staff wanted to stay and fight, and his own group still thought he was crazy.

'Do not, under any circumstances, ask a ghoul about their past. They WILL attack you.' The text made Amon a little worried for Kaneki but he couldn't help but laugh.

Maybe they were insane for doing this; maybe it would blow up in their face and they'd all get caught, but Amon didn't care. For the first time in a long time, he felt alright.

If their efforts bore fruit, maybe the world would also feel alright someday.

The day before the raid, they received the postpone notice.

And then another one.

And another one and another one until the notices stopped coming altogether.

* * *

 **A/N: I know suicide is a sensitive topic for people and I hope the way I wrote it was respectful to those who have had to face it in life. Please, if there was any part of that scene that seemed insensitive, PLEASE let me know so I can correct it.**

 **Thank you all for staying with me. This is the last chapter but there's an epilogue to come. 3**

 **This chapter, man, it was the hardest to write. I had to take it out chunks at a time. I hope it made sense. Also, Hide writes himself. And ARIMA, WELL, LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT HIM. (yah jerkface).**


	13. Epilogue: I think I like this Ending

**Epilogue: I think I like this Ending**

* * *

A social upheaval was felt throughout the wards. What was once considered to be impossible became a revolution that lit itself on fire overnight. What was once a dream among ghouls became a screaming reality. It was everywhere: on the streets, in the schools, in the papers, and on the news. Magazines had the topic splashed on their covers; parents gossiped about it and so did everyone else. A person could not get away from it even if they wanted to.

.

( _". . . Demands for ghoul rights have increased once again with over 70% of the population voting in favor of . . ."_

 _". . . human consumption among ghouls has decreased significantly. This is due to the mass production of synthetic meat, a ghoul alternative that was introduced last summer . . ."_

 _". . . the Tsukiyama family has shown their support for ghoul rights. They are in the process of creating a program that will help ghouls learn to read and write. This is just one more big name to add themselves to the growing support for ghouls. Author Takatsuki Sen has also . . ."_ )

It started when parts of Kanou's interrogation were leaked on the internet. People were outraged and appalled at Dr. Kanou's actions. Both the CCG and the hospital tried to keep it under wraps, but the recording of Kanou's confession soon found its way to all the major news stations in Japan. The video had been edited, censoring the victim's name. This small degree of privacy only caused more interest among the public. Even after two years, people were still asking; still wondering.

.

( _**Channel7News** **channel7_news** : We have never been given the surviving victim's name in regards to the Kanou case. If anyone has any information regarding him, please contact us._

 _ **Mori Yusuke sotonami** : If that one kid can become a half-ghoul and survive, then I can pass my midterm. Wish me luck! :P_

 _ **Hinabi Kei flowermunster** : I know it's been over a year since that doctor case happened but I'm curious? Did they ever identify the victim?_

 _ **Sasuge Amagi replied** : Nope. The hospital knows and so does the CCG but they won't say who. Privacy of the victim and whatnot._

 _ **Hinabi Kei flowermunster** : Aww, that sucks! :( I wanna give that guy a hug._ )

.

As Hide had predicted, the public felt a connection to Kaneki's plight. They didn't need to know his name- in fact, being nameless only increased the thought that what happened to Kaneki could happen to them. Parents looked at their children and shuddered at the thought of them ending up in Dr. Kanou's hands. Friends turned to one another, wondering what they would do if their best friend had ended up like the boy mentioned in the confession. Children marveled at how cool being a half-ghoul would be and played make-believe to the idea.

Kanou General Hospital did its best to save face after the news broke. They did everything they could to maintain their innocence. A PR statement was issued, claiming they knew nothing of Kanou Akihiro's sick experiments. Not long after this statement aired, several documents were mailed anonymously to the news stations, providing damning evidence of the bribery that ultimately led to Kanou's release. With patients leaving in droves, the hospital had no choice but close its doors.

.

( _". . . Kanou used to be my doctor. I can't believe he did this. He was such a nice man. I guess that just shows how little we know others, huh?"_

 _". . .Y'know, if what happened to that kid happened to you, I'd still love you. Hell, if you told me you were a ghoul, I'd still love you."_

 _". . . My sister went missing 5 years ago. I don't remember her doctor's name but she went to Kanou Hospital for her check-ups. Do you think he did something? Do you think he - ?"_ )

.

Kaneki was the introduction. He was the reason people said to each other, _"I'd love you even if you were a half-ghoul."_ There were, of course, some who did not believe this statement. Willing or not, that boy had become half a monster. Could a person really love someone who could only eat humans? Despite the small amount of doubt, most felt that, yes, they could love a half-ghoul. Many people felt optimistic about the issue. There had to be a way around eating people. Surely, being half-ghoul did not mean that human flesh was the only food option? Others with a more realistic view argued the opposite and soon people were turning to the CCG to seek answers.

The CCG tried to stay silent but mounting pressure from the public had them issuing a statement, admitting that Kanou's victim could no longer consume food. They were also quick to say that the boy had not eaten people and had been given synthetic meat from the CCG each month. The first statement was the truth; the second was a fat lie that the CCG fed the public to look better. The CCG's Public Relations office had wrote the statement, assuring the higher ups that the public would no longer look towards them in regards to the topic.

For about 3 months, they had been right. But as more information came forward, as more people began to think about the issue, the question, _'Would you love me if I was a half-ghoul?'_ became _'Would you love me if I was a ghoul?'_

The general consensus, after much debate, was yes. So the topic turned away from Kaneki's tragedy to ghouls in general. It was an interesting subject and there were many questions being asked: How do ghouls live? How do they survive? Do they have interests and hobbies? Do they live alongside humans or underground? What was their day to day life like? Could they really only eat humans?

So many questions. Questions that the CCG could not answer adequately. Suddenly, the idea of an organization being able to kill ghouls for any reason was looked upon with disgust and distaste. Books were being opened, laws were being read, and when word got out that ghouls had no rights whatsoever, a floodgate was unleashed. No matter what the CCG did, the flood would not stop.

.

( _"I get killing them if they were caught murdering someone, but for doing nothing? For just existing? That's disgusting."_

 _"WTF CCG?! You guys LITERALLY created synthetic meat! Why haven't you distributed it to ghouls? Are you fucking stupid? Do you know how many lives could have been saved if you had done that? What's wrong with you?!_

 _"Animals have more rights than ghouls. Sad, isn't it?"_ )

.

Around this time, an interesting little blog called _From the Other Side_ began gaining quite a bit of attention. It was updated regularly and was about ghouls and their life stories. It was interesting insight on ghouls that couldn't be found anywhere else. Despite claims of it being fake, the blog had a large following. Almost all the stories had graphic imagery of situations ghouls faced as well as descriptive encounters with the CCG. Descriptions that had the CCG falling fast out of the public's favor.

.

( _**Except from Story #9, New Home** : "I didn't want to kill him, but the hunger was so strong. I hadn't eaten for months and he was old and weak. He lived in a cardboard box which I thought was funny because mom told me humans didn't live in the trash like us. It was cold – even for me – and this old man only had a thin blanket. His breath smelt funny and he was snoring. I broke his neck. I made it as painless as possible. I ate all of him; I gorged myself. I only felt relief as I ate- like I said, it had been months since my last meal._

 _He was my first kill at 10 years old. After I ate, it began to rain. I took refuge under his cardboard box. I made it my new home."_

 _ **x**_

 _ **Excerpt from Story #14, Dove's Curse** : "I hate doves. I hate everything about them. I hate how white and pure they look, I hate the cooing noise they make, I hate how soft their feathers are and I hate that they represent peace. There's nothing peaceful about them. They storm into your house in flocks, screeching and fluttering about. They wreck everything. They scratch out your eyes and peck at your skin until it bleeds. They have no ears for mercy. They stay until you're dead and feast on your carcass, dragging out the only thing you had to defend yourself with and taking it for themselves._

 _Doves are evil. Doves are wrathful. Doves have feathers soaked in **red**._

 _The only thing I hate more than doves is that closet door that never shut all the way."_

 _ **x**_

 _ **Excerpt from Story #29, Food** : "I'm actually very jealous of humans. They have such a wide variety of food and it all looks so interesting! When I was little, I didn't understand the concept that it was poisonous. My parents warned me but I vowed to myself that when I was older, I'd eat all the human food I could get my hands on and I did._

 _Ham sandwiches! Tasted like a bloated corpse that had been left in the water way too long. Threw up._

 _Ramen! Slimy and it burns. By the gods, does it burn. Threw up._

 _Fruit Parfait! I was so excited about this one because it was so colorful! I thought for sure I could eat this one. Nope. It was slick as oil and I cannot even describe the taste, it was so bad. I had nightmares about it. Threw up._

 _I've slowed down and I don't eat (as much) human food anymore, but I have hope!" )_

 _ **x**_

The CCG tried to explain their side; they tried to tell people they executed ghouls for the good of the public. This answer only increased the anger and outrage. Protests began forming outside of the CCG buildings throughout the wards. There were small clashes between the protesters and the investigators; each one bloodier than the last. The CCG began arresting protesters, claiming they were aiding ghouls, despite there being no evidence. Tensions became so bad, the Japanese government had to step in and threaten to cut the CCG's funding if they didn't find a peaceful method to deal with ghouls. Grudgingly and with great hate, the CCG began mass marketing their synthetic meat and created stricter rules for investigators. Ghouls could no longer be killed on sight. Quinques could only be made if the ghoul had already passed and had signed a consent form, giving their body to science and the CCG. Random ghoul rights visits happened at Cochlea to make sure prisoners were being treated humanely. The CCG wasn't happy with these changes but they had no choice but to comply.

They had no choice but to comply because there is one simple truth no one can hide from.

Change is inevitable. It cannot be stopped. It cannot be paused; cannot be turned on and off at our leisure. It comes when it wants and it will continue to do so, dauntless of the people dying to stay stagnant. Change favors no one.

Sometimes, change is going back.

( _"Wow, Kaneki! Your hair's finally black again!"_ )

Sometimes, change is closure.

( _"H-hello Mr. Investigator, my name is Fueguchi Hinami. It's nice to meet you. I'd like to thank you for the gifts you gave me awhile back."_

 _"It's a pleasure to finally meet you. Please, just call me Amon."_ )

Sometimes, change does nothing.

( _"Kanou Akihiro is still missing and considered dangerous. If you see him, please call the police. He is dangerous, we repeat, he is dangerous."_ )

Other times, change is nothing more but a full circle.

( _"Welcome to Big Girl! Table for 3?"_ )

.

.

.

Three men sit in a popular burger joint in the 20th ward. Two eat. One drinks coffee.

.

.

.

( _There were 8 tapes in all. Black and labeled 1-8. They sit in a cabinet gathering dust. Their content forgotten by the world._

 _They had a nice ending._ )

* * *

 **A/N: Well. . .this is the end. :)**

 **Stephen King once wrote that to create intriguing stories, you needed to kill your darlings. He's probably right, but Ishida does that on a weekly basis and there is nothing wrong with a happy ending.**

 **Thank you to everyone who commented, kudos, favorited or just read the story. You guys have been great.**

 **If you'd like to create your own story, the frameworks of this story and universe (Black Tapes Universe, I guess?) are open to anyone who needs inspiration. That doesn't mean steal this story (plz don't), but if you'd like to use it as a base to create your own or would like to go further from where I left off, go for it!**


	14. A Small Excerpt About Folklore and Myth

**A Small Excerpt About Folklore and Myrh**

* * *

Society was in a transitional state and Amon wasn't sure what their lives would be like when it was over. Kanou and his experiments were still the talk of Japan and while it was unanimously agreed that he should be captured and brought to justice, people weren't quite sure what to make of his victim. Was he a monster or a man? Did he deserve life or death? Should he be locked away for the safety of others or allowed to live freely? Petitions to have his name and photo released to the public fell through and Amon could have kissed the judge who had publicly struck them down, citing Kaneki's privacy. They were one of the first to look at Kaneki's situation and view him as a person and not a wounded animal. The new stations were slow to follow suit but seemed be covering Kanou's victim less and less as debates about ghoul rights began rising.

Personally, he couldn't wait until they stopped mentioning Kaneki all together. Forgetting Kaneki meant the first phase of their plan was complete; the second phase was already beginning with the talk of ghoul rights. Amon hoped it would get big enough to the point that people would become sick of hearing about it; maybe _then_ some changes would be made just to get people to shut up.

For the moment though, he was content to forget about the outside world and focus on the person reading in the kitchen. Tsukiyama – whom Amon had met once and did not want to meet again – had been kind enough to give them an apartment to use as a base. As much as Amon and Hide would have loved to offer up their apartments, it was safer this way.

The apartment was spacious and could fit a large number of people. It was almost a game now to walk in and see how many people would be gathered. Sometimes there was up to ten or so if they were planning something; othertimes there were two or three who need a place to sleep. Rarely was the apartment empty.

At the moment though, it was just Amon looking at Kaneki.

There was something soothing about seeing Kaneki read. To see him sitting in the sunlight wearing a smile as he methodically studied over every word was comforting. It gave Amon hope; hope that even after all the suffering, after all the torture and damning after effects, healing was possible. After months of being around Kaneki who was always tense, always waiting to be ambushed by violence, seeing him doing something as simple as reading made Amon want to believe there was a higher power watching over humans and ghouls alike.

"Why are you reading that?" Amon asked as he walked closer and realized Kaneki was reading a bible. Religion – Christianity, to be exact – was a sore subject for him. He didn't like to think about it because it made him think of Father Donato and he refused to give that monster his attention in any way.

"I was curious." Kaneki said, looking up and giving Amon a small nod in lieu of a greeting. Amon saw the literature student peeking out of those eyes as the other began grabbing the other books stacked on the table. "I had a thought and it made me curious. Now I'm here."

"And where is here?" Amon asked, taking a seat. He glanced at the other books. A Hebrew bible was stacked on top of a book about vampires. To the side there were others about Native American and – Amon squinted his eyes – an American History book?

"I'm trying to track something down and now I'm in the rabbit hole." Kaneki said but his smile had a mischievous tilt to it. That was a smile that, while rare, Amon had seen before. It was usually directed at Hide when he asked Kaneki questions pertaining to books. That smile was a dam opening up a flood of information.

"I'm almost afraid to ask but I will anyway; what are you looking for? And please know, I only take essays with 500 words or less."

Kaneki laughed and Amon's grin grew at the sound.

"Touka actually got me thinking about this." Kaneki said. "She's thinking about studying genetics. She was interested in finding out more about ghouls and their evolution. There's a theory that humans and ghouls were once the same species but somewhere along the way they split. She mentioned wanting to find that gap in the DNA."

"And how did ghoul evolution lead you to finding religion?" Amon asked. He wasn't sure how Touka's quest to study genetics led to Kaneki reading a bible.

"Well, I'm not reading to find faith, though I do find the texts fascinating in their own right." Kaneki's eyes returned to the page he had been reading. He must have found something of interest because he began to write in a notebook Amon had missed among the books.

"You don't have to lie, Kaneki. I've read the bible. It's a tedious read at the best of times."

"The style of writing isn't for everyone. I've been skimming it myself." Kaneki admitted, looking a little ashamed and Amon withheld a smile at the sight.

A few weeks ago, Kaneki wouldn't have been able to pull of an expression like that.

"Then why are you reading it? What are you looking for?"

"Ghouls."

Amon's eyebrows rose.

"Ghouls?" He repeated and Kaneki nodded.

"Ghouls." Kaneki said again with conviction.

"As someone who has read the bible, I can safely say you won't find any ghouls. Especially not in -" Amon peered over the table, " – in Genesis?"

"Funny you should say that. Have you ever heard of Lilith?" Kaneki asked.

Amon thought for a moment. "I don't remember anyone in the bible with that name."

"You wouldn't. She isn't mentioned until Isaiah and even then it is in passing." Kaneki said. "According to Hebrew texts, she was made from the same earth as Adam and was considered his first wife. She left Adam and fled to the heavens when he demanded her subservience. God gave her a choice: return to Eden and to Adam or have one hundred of her children die every day." Kaneki sighed. "She did not return. It is said that she became a succubus. People of Jewish faith – especially pregnant women – fear her. Miscarriages are blamed on Lilith, believing that she poisoned the womb and ate the child before they could see light."

The dots were connecting in Amon's head. "You think she was the first ghoul."

"Hmm, no, not quite." Kaneki said. "The texts say she has the ability to seep into the dreams of men – no ghoul can do that. I did, however, find some interesting theories that she may be the mother of ghouls."

"Oh?"

"When Cain killed Abel and left for the land of Nod, the name of his wife is never stated. Religious scholars believe that woman may have been Lilith. They also believe her and Cain's children were the first ghouls." Kaneki shrugged. "Of course, there's no proof of this. There isn't proof of Lilith becoming Cain's wife. It's just a theory of were ghouls began. I don't believe it but I do find it fascinating. There was a scripture about Lilith that I found ironic in a way." He said as he thumbed through the bible. Upon finding the page, he read aloud:

"There too Lilith shall repose, and find a place of rest. There shall the _owl_ nest and lay and hatch and brood in its shadow. Isaiah 34:13-14. I've found different versions of the bible change that script; most have her name taken out."

"Owls are just bad luck all around, aren't they?" Amon joked when Kaneki was finished.

"Just for us, I think. But Lilith made me wonder; where are ghouls in our history? In the world's history? There are many things that we can understand now that couldn't be explained in the past. That's how monsters are made and lore is birthed. Touka wants to know the missing link between humans and ghouls; I want to know where all the ghouls in history went. Lilith is only the beginning."

"What else have you found?" Amon asked unable to keep his curiosity hidden. Kaneki gave him a rare grin as he began to speak.

"I knew none of the historic texts would say anything about ghouls – even I thought they were a myth before the incident with Rize. So I started with the folklore of different cultures instead. The first that thing that came to mind was Dracula."

"He didn't eat people, did he? I thought vampires just sucked out the blood?" Amon asked. Everything he knew about Dracula and vampires was second-hand. He had never seen the movie or read the book.

"True. But I've heard versions of vampires eating hearts." Kaneki said. "That, their strength, and red eyes are the only things that could link them to being ghouls. I suppose ghouls back then might have only hunted at night to avoid being recognized and that's why vampires are said to perish in the sun. I'm speculating, of course."

"Vampires don't like garlic, right? That's another thing they have in common with ghouls." Amon pointed out.

Kaneki's eyes brightened. "You're right! Vampires can only consume blood. It's never explicitly stated they throw up if they eat food, but it is suggested that they can only gain nourishment from blood. I can't believe that didn't occur to me. I feel a little dumb now."

"Don't be. I've studied the bible and the thought of ghouls living back then never crossed my mind." Amon said. "What else do you have? You've made a list, right?" Kaneki nodded.

"In Filipino lore, there's a creature called an aswang. They've been compared to vampires but I think there're enough differences between to the two to keep them in separate categories. Aswangs are shapeshifters. They live as regular people during day – often being cited as shy and recluse – while transforming into a type of animal at night. They're best known for eating unborn fetuses and small children but they've also been known to steal bodies from wakes. It's said they only hunt at night and lose their strength in the day. They act like normal humans and won't eat their friends or neighbors. They pick hunting grounds far from where they live."

"Ok, that sounds like a ghoul." Amon said. "Well, maybe not the whole unborn fetus thing. I'm a little confused on that part. Does the aswang kill the mother and then eat the fetus?"

"According to what I've read, they suck the fetus out of the womb while the mother sleeps." Kaneki said with the same tone and facial expression Amon had seen him wear when he was planning a battle strategy.

"I don't want to know how that's possible."

"Are you sure, Amon?" Kaneki asked, face painted with a wicked grin. "I've found several theories that -"

"I'm sure you have." Amon interrupted. "And I'm sure each one is interesting. I'm your ally but I don't want to hear the gritty details."

"Sorry, sometimes I forget not everybody enjoys morbid things." Kaneki had the grace to look embarrassed. "In any case, I do think aswangs are Filipino ghouls. There're just so many similarities that I can't write them off as coincidences." He sighed. "Aswangs are the only creatures I found so far that sound like ghouls; the rest are speculations."

"And they are. . .?"

"Well, skinwalkers seem like they could be ghouls among the Navajo and other Native American tribes. From what I've read they're witches that practice dark arts and can mimic voices, cast curses, and change into animals – they can even change into things that don't exist." Kaneki push a paper his way. On it was the depiction of a humanoid deer with very many teeth and an expression of pure fury.

"This almost looks like a kakuja." Amon said.

Kaneki nodded. "My thoughts exactly. Unfortunately, most the information I've found is from the internet and is spotty at best. Most of the Native American tribes still practice the tradition of oral storytelling, so they don't have historic texts about skinwalkers. They also don't speak about them if they can help it."

"Why?"

"From what I found, speaking about a skinwalker can call it to you. I've searched some forums and most people are saying that to become a skinwalker, the person had to complete a ritual that involves killing a loved one. Some say skinwalkers eat their sacrifice but that's up for debate." Kaneki gave a small shrug. "I really am stretching with this one but I thought maybe a different environment could affect ghoul physiology."

"I suppose that's possible." Amon muttered. "Wasn't there some other creature like this? Wandigo? Wildingo? Something like that?" he asked as he struggled to remember the name.

"You mean a wendigo?"

"Yes! That's it!"

"That was next on my list. I'm surprised you know about them."

Amon shrugged. "I don't know much but sometimes they pop up in some of the books I read." He failed to mention that most of those were trashy romance novels that had been translated into Japanese. Not the best source material but he felt it had to count for something.

"Hmm, well, like skinwalkers, information about wendigos varies from tribe to tribe. They're mentioned mostly in Anishinaabe tribes. From what I've found, they're a spirit that looks emaciated and has the smell of decay surrounding it. I've read that when they eat a person, they grow in size and are never full. Since they grow with every meal, they never feel sated so it's a vicious cycle that never ends." Kaneki sighed. "Some cultures say humans can become wendigos if they become greedy or are in contact one for a long period of time. The information varies but the forewarning is the same: stay away or be devoured."

"Do they look human?" Amon asked.

"No. All the depictions vary like the skinwalkers. Some look like werewolves, I guess. I'd say if they were ghouls, they'd be kakujas too." Kaneki said as he grabbed the American History book and opened it. "This next one I have isn't a myth but I do think it's one of the first mentions of ghouls in history."

"What is it?" Amon asked, scooting closer to get a better look.

"In May of 1846, a group of American pioneers set out for California. The journey was long and filled with misfortune. They spent a winter trapped by the snow in Sierra Nevada. The party split and some went to find help. It took months to get back and when they did, it was discovered that the pioneers had resorted to cannibalism due to lack of food."

"I think you're stretching on that one too, Kaneki." Amon said. "It's rare but humans do resort to cannibalism from time to time."

"And on the surface of this story, that's exactly what it sounds like; humans eating each other to survive. I dug a little further into though, and found some unsettling accusations.

"It has only just been discovered that there were 89 members in the party – not 87 as historically recorded. Two men called the Hilt brothers were also in the party, according to letters written by one of the survivors, Elitha Donner. She claimed that the Hilt brothers were stronger than oxen and never ate. They kept to their wagon but were on friendly terms with everyone. When the snow trapped them and relief party left, the Hilt brothers had gone into the woods and brought back deer to eat – though they did not partake themselves. They did this often until the snow became so bad, even they couldn't leave. Elitha claimed they were the first to eat one of the dead party members, writing: _"Their eyes turned black as the pits of hell with the Devil's fire shining through. Their grunts of gluttony and hurried slurping of blood and hasty crunching of bone betrayed their hunger. Starved devils, they were. They led us down a sinful path – the only way to survive God's trial in the snow. I waited each night, crucifix held tight to my bosom, for them to turn their hunger on us who still lived. They did not and fled when the snow let up. The relief party came for us days afterwards."_

"I'm surprised they left people alive." Amon said and Kaneki frowned at him.

"It sounds like they wanted to assimilate themselves with humans as much as possible. Ghouls aren't always -" Kaneki broke off, running a hand through his hair and Amon saw the heavy weight of stress in his eyes. "I know it's unfair. It's unfair that to survive we take someone's life. Someone that was probably loved dearly. I know that. People fear us and they have a legitimate right to feel that way. I used be scared of ghouls; I understand fearing them very well. But it's also unfair to us. We don't want to eat someone's child. We don't want to eat a friend or a lover. Most of us, anyway. But to eat is to survive." Kaneki gave Amon a strained smile. "At least that's how it was. I heard synthetic meat is going to be distributed soon."

"I see Hide's been keeping you up-to-date." Amon said in the driest tone he could manage while trying to keep a straight face. He had wanted to be the one to tell Kaneki but he couldn't fault Hide's excitement. A feeling of sheepish shame came over him. "I'm sorry about what I just said – or implied, anyway. I know not all ghouls want to torture and eat people. I wouldn't be here if I did. It's just hard not to fall into old thought patterns sometimes."

"I can't really fault you for thinking that way. You've dealt numerous ghouls who have tortured for fun and have shown no remorse for their actions. The bad will always outshine the good in peoples' memories. But maybe if we change this world, we can flood it with so much good that the bad will erased." Kaneki said, collecting his books with a smile.

It was a fool's dream that would never come true. Amon might be able to understand and tolerate ghouls now but he would never forgive Father Donato for what he had done and he would never forget either. Just like Kaneki would never forget what Kanou or Jason did to him. Hinami would never forget what the investigators did to her parents. Akira would never forget her father's murder. People don't forget their terrors.

No one would forget the bad.

But maybe, just maybe, if they flooded the world with good, it would heal the wounds that had been festering. A scar would be left, but would that be so bad? Scars were beautiful in their own right; they were a symbol of what has been overcome.

And if Kaneki's little group had their way, they'd overcome everything.

Amon couldn't stop the laugh that left his mouth.

"Sorry. My thoughts took a strange turn." He said when Kaneki gave him a confused look.

Amon's smile grew and he elaborated on the news Hide had given Kaneki.

"In the next 4-6 months, the CCG will be setting up two synthetic meat factories for public distribution. It's not much, but what's a flood without a little trickle first?"

The delighted laughter that rang through the apartment was the best thing Amon had heard in a long time.

* * *

 **A/N: This is more of a standalone piece but I think it fits well enough. I kinda wonder if vampires and other creatures are feared more in the ghoul world? I did my research on the creatures but I made have fudged up somewhere. Sorry to anyone who are more familiar with those creatures if I made a mistake.**

 **Writing has become hard to do these days. I'll have to try harder to be better.**

 **Unbeta'd. Sorry for any mistakes.**


	15. A Year Closer to Halcyon

Investigator Shinohara,

Attached is a letter intercepted from a messenger ghoul. We believe it is a correspondence between Kaneki Ken and Koutarou Amon. Since you knew Koutarou best before he defected, we would like your input. Our cryptographers have not found any hidden messages in the text, but if you suspect anything, please notify us immediately.

Y. Washuu

* * *

 _Dear A,_

 _I cannot thank you enough for all that you have done for me this past year. Without you and H, I fear what I would have become. You have become a solid rock for this social revolution and I apologize for that; because of us, you risked everything you loved and it was lost to you. I will always hold myself accountable for that. If I could give you back what you have sacrificed, I would. Never doubt that. As head of this revolution, I hold so many hearts in my hands. I try my best not to break them. I cannot replace what was lost, but I'll do my best to mend what is left of yours._

 _This poem is nothing compared to what you have given me but perhaps its words can give you some reassurance._ _Never doubt the hope you have given both ghouls and humans. Without your support, we would have lost so many more than we have._

 _When ever you find yourself conflicted over if you did the right thing, remember my words._

 _I'm in the process of cutting down a tree. I think some of the fruit is still fresh and can be plucked without worry. I'm afraid the roots are poisoned, though._

 _I'll see you soon,_

 _K._

 **A Year Closer to Halcyon**

The road seems endless,

But we'll travel on, dear friend, we'll travel on,

And though the journey is brutal and foolish,

We'll soldier on my friend, we'll soldier on,

And when we reach the end neither glory nor power will greet us

But halcyon days so mild, sweet and just.

.

We're not there yet.

No, friend, not yet.

But there is a change I see every day; growing stronger.

A bloom of kindness, where hate once conquered.

A people once feared and despised,

Are no longer the reason for so many heartbroken cries.

.

Eyes still see past each other,

Enemies on both sides still scheme.

And mayhem obeys neither master nor lover,

But even chaos tires and insanity must sleep.

.

This violence will bleed into peace,

And our hearts will starve off the wounds that our hands made.

Two-faced, no face, blank faced unity comes at a slow pace.

.

Halcyon days are coming, dear friend, they are coming.

We'll be challenged, we'll be opposed,

But like waves on the rocks this hatred will erode,

And the jagged path to peace will smooth itself with time.

.

Remember, dear friend, remember:

Peace is not weak.

Harmony is not frail.

And kindness is our best weapon.

* * *

Shinohara set the letter down on his desk.

"Well?" Marude asked. "Think there're any secret messages in that crappy little poem?"

"I'm not sure but I don't think so." Shinohara replied. "I don't know why this was brought to me. Amon didn't write this. Even if he did, I still wouldn't know where he'd hide any hidden messages."

"Che, figures." Marude grunted as he shrugged on his jacket. "Still can't believe out of all the people in this place, it was Amon that ended up stabbing us in the back. And now all these stupid protesters block the damn doors every morning."

"Now, now. They've been peaceful so far."

"Yeah. _So far_. This place will become a nightmare soon enough. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Enjoy your night!" Shinohara called out as Marude left. He hummed a little tune to himself as he tidied up his desk, preparing to leave himself. He had stayed late to take care of some paperwork when Marude had given him the letter. Once everything was in order, he locked his office and dropped some papers off at a subordinate's desk. A quick visit to the copier and he was out the door.

Once he was in his car, he took out his phone and dialed a number.

It picked up on the second ring.

 _"Hello?"_

"Amon," He greeted warmly. "Kaneki has penned you a beautiful letter. . ."

* * *

 **A/N: I don't write poetry very often because my rhyming skills are weak. But I wrote this and I've debated on whether it was worth posting. Maybe it will lift someone's spirits. I dunno.**

 **This will probably be the last this posted for Black Tapes.**

 **May 2018 have halcyon days for you.**


End file.
